Puella Parodia Madoka Magica
by burakkichu
Summary: Episode 10. Madoka and Mami help rookie Homura find new, erotic uses for her golf clubs. Not likely. Though Madoka has found an erotic but not-so-new use for the school's infirmary beds...
1. Ep 01

a/n : read this as though you've only watched the first episode. because that's when i wrote it.

~~ Ep 01 ~~

Madoka woke from a strange dream.

_Guhhh...what was that all about..._ she thought.

She sat up and sleepily looked about her room, trying to get her early-morning bearings. She also scratched herself just below her still-developing chest. Did you just imagine a slight jiggle? Good.

_At least it wasn't another dream with Totoros everywhere...and all of them licking me in weird places. Brrr._ She involuntarily gave a shudder.

Getting out of bed, Madoka shuffled across her floor, not ready to greet the day. She slowly made her way to her door.

_And what was that white kitty-thing supposed to be?_ she continued in her thoughts. _It kinda looked like a Pokemon...or maybe a weird knockoff of one..._

She opened her door to see Kyuubey standing in the hallway right outside her room, smiling up at her.

"I'm not a weird knockoff," Kyuubey said brightly.

Madoka could have cried out. Madoka could have stumbled backward and cowered in fear and confusion. Madoka, however, was unaware that she was still dreaming. In her current dream state, the fact that Kyuubey had jumped from her previous dream to her present reality suddenly seemed perfectly natural to her.

Madoka casually regarded the little white critter, without the least bit of surprise. "Oh. Then...do you like to play with yarn?"

"So how 'bout that magical girl contract?" Kyuubey said. "You never gave me an answer one way or the other."

"Eh? Um...but..." Madoka looked down, uncertain. After some annoyingly girlish fidgeting and hesitation, she finally answered. "I...I don't know if it's okay for me to enter a contract with you. Because your fur is white."

Her dream-like logic at that moment also seemed perfectly natural to her. Seemed.

The white critter closed its eyes and focused. Its coat suddenly sprang into violent color. Kyuubey was now shaded six kinds of high-def rainbow.

"There. How's that?"

Madoka's head spun from the sudden assault of rainbow vomit hitting her eyes. She had to look away.

"I gotta get ready for school," she said, trying to brush her way past technicolor Kyuubey. Yet just then, the mysterious dark-haired girl from her earlier dream stepped into the hallway, seemingly from nowhere. She stopped Madoka with an outstretched palm.

"There's no school today, remember?" she said in a monotone to Madoka. "Today is Kick A Cute Familiar Day."

This holiday also seemed perfectly natural to Madoka.

"Oh yeah, that's right!" she said, brightening at the prospect of a day off from school. Meanwhile, the dark-haired girl had pulled out a soprano recorder and began playing Ode To Joy.

"Yay, no school!" Madoka continued. "What will I do today? Oh!" A thought struck her. She looked back down at Kyuubey, whose coat was now a shade of pink exactly matching Madoka's hair color.

"Happy Kick A Cute Familiar Day!" she cried happily, right before kicking Kyuubey dead in the face.

Kyuubey sprang back up immediately and thwacked her right back with a bushy-tailed bitchslap. Madoka flew spinning through her room. Her body slammed into a wall—

◕ ‿‿ ◕

—Madoka woke, having fallen out of bed and hit the floor.

"Itta-ta-taaa..." she whimpered, checking her cheekbone where her face felt like it had hit the hardest. Two weird dreams in one morning. Terrible start to a schoolday, she pouted to herself.

Suddenly, a cell phone in the room rang. Madoka recognized the ringtone as that of an actual call, not just a text.

"Eh? Who'd be calling me this early in the morning?" She painfully got to her feet, and saw that the mysterious, dark-haired girl from earlier was now lying asleep in her bed. From the look of the girl's spread-out pose and outstretched foot, Madoka noted with some irritation that perhaps she hadn't fallen out of bed after all—rather, that she'd been kicked out of it.

The cell kept ringing. Madoka fumbled for it on a nearby chest of drawers, not noticing at first that her room was rather dark for the morning hour. Finding the cell and taking it into her hand, she observed that it was the size, shape, and color of a large, red crab. She torqued one of it's legs to answer the call, wondering who could possibly be on the other line.

"M...Moshi mosh'?"

"That hurt, dammit!" Kyuubey's voice blared through the receiver. "I can't believe you'd actually kick me!"

"But you hit me back! And harder!" Madoka whined. "Wait—wasn't that just a dream?"

"So come on, already! Magical girl contract? Yes? No? Jeez! Why are the Japanese so non-committal⁉"

"D-Don't I get any time to think about it?" Madoka nervously objected, her fingers going to her mouth. "And aren't you Japanese, too?"

Madoka became aware of how exceedingly light the crab-cell felt in her hand, despite it being vastly oversized. It felt...almost weightless. As she held it to her ear, Madoka herself began to feel light and insubstantial...almost as though she were floating in the midst of her darkened room. She also felt a sudden urge to walk sideways.

"All that destruction and misery can't wait forever for you to change it, you know!" Kyuubey insisted. "Or do I need to bury you in buttloads of shiny office supplies to persuade you⁇"

Without warning, buttloads of shiny office supplies began pouring out of the cell phone, all over Madoka.

"Wah!"

Staplers, scissors, pens, pencils, protractors, compasses, push pins, straight edges, triangles, binder clips, rolls of tape, letter openers, cement tubes, sniffable markers...she fell to the floor under the deluge. Her room began rapidly filling up with the things, as fruitlessly she struggled to fight her way out from under the growing waves of salaryman desk essentials. Meanwhile, the dark-haired girl snoozed away, oblivious.

_Nooo...I'm too young to be an office lady..._ she cried miserably to herself as the last visible fragment of her room was blotted out of her field of vision. She was buried completely, hopelessly, scarcely able to move her limbs any longer as she—

◕ ‿‿ ◕

— suddenly woke up.

"Eh?"

Madoka blinked. Quickly she sat up and checked herself over, checked her cheekbone, checked for the dark-haired girl in her bed, checked her room for office supplies, checked her chest of drawers for the crab-cell, bolted up and checked outside her door for a weird Pokemon knockoff waiting outside.

Nothing. All appeared to be normal now.

Madoka sighed, relieved. Softly she closed her door and leaned against it. That had been the freakiest set of dreams she could ever remember having. She was just glad she was finally awake for real now. Despite having been jolted awake—repeatedly, in a way—she actually felt pretty good at the moment. As a matter of fact, she felt a bit...pleasantly tingly.

On an instinct, Madoka squeezed her butt and thrust her hips forward slightly, to pleasurable effect, as something hard strained against her pajama pants. It felt tight, but good, as a small erogenous wave washed over her body. She'd always been shy about that sort of thing, though...although she knew well what she was already expected to know for her age. Still, as this morning had already been weird enough, she thought she may as well chance a peek at herself 'down there', seeing as it felt rather nice at the moment.

Her attention was arrested when she looked down and saw her pajama pants peaked into a tent below her belly button. She hurriedly flipped open her pajamas and panties. Where her vagina had been, a penis now stood tall with morning wood.

This did not seem natural to her at all.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Madoka awoke with a piercing scream, scaring her father half to death. Her mother, however, claimed later that morning that she hadn't heard a thing. Madoka wondered how much trouble she'd get into if she tried waking her mother up with a bucket of cold water next time.

Later, on her way to school, Madoka met up with her friends Sayaka and Hitomi, wearing a face like dry, old seaweed. Sayaka was the first to make a snark at her.

"Jeez, Madoka, you look like rheumatism today. Get up on the wrong side of the bed?"

"I had a lotta weird dreams this morning," Madoka mumbled.

Sayaka gave her a knowing smirk. "Was it about boy parts again?"

Madoka's face went into shock. She flushed bright red and couldn't utter a word.

The smirk fell right off Sayaka's face. She had meant it as a joke, but seeing Madoka's reaction...

"No way...it really WAS about boy parts?"

"No! No it wasn't about parts!" Madoka said, covering her face and hurriedly stepping forward.

"This I gotta hear!" Sayaka cried, suddenly grinning eagerly. Swiftly she grabbed Madoka by the midsection from behind and forced her to smile by tickling her. Madoka laughed involuntarily, trying to escape.

"So how big was it⁇" Sayaka teased fiendishly.

"Nooo! Ahahahaha!"

"What didja think when you saw it⁇"

"I didn't—hahahah— dream about— ahahaha!"

"Now, now," Hitomi said calmingly. "We don't want to be late. So let's all run off giggling to school now, shall we?"

So Sayaka put Madoka down and the three girls continued on their way, running off giggling to school. Well, except for Madoka, who already felt giggled out. She just went back to seaweed.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

In class, Madoka watched as Saotome-sensei started homeroom by griping inappropriately about her own personal problems. Madoka listened as her teacher then introduced a new student: Akemi Homura. Madoka freaked in a small, hidden part of herself when she recognized the mysterious, dark-haired girl as the same girl that had kicked her out of bed in her dream.

"No way..."

Sayaka leaned over to Madoka. "Dang, she's hot," she said in a whisper. "I might dump you for her."

Madoka frowned at her. "Since when are we going out?" she hissed back.

The beautiful Homura stood coldly before the class, already winning secret admirers from both the boys and the girls just by standing still and looking evil. She shot Madoka a withering stare. Madoka did indeed wither; at that precise moment, in a moe contest of shy, mewling girls who hemorraged a lack of confidence, she would have out-Yuno'd Yuno.

No sooner had class ended for break than a flock of girls descended upon Homura like vultures, surrounding her and pecking away at her with invasive personal questions.

"Where'd you go to school before?" asked one girl.

"What are your hobbies?" asked another.

"Are you in any clubs?"

"What's your blood type?"

"What kind of shampoo do you use?"

"Have any boyfriends?"

"And do you or your family own any stock in the shampoo manufacturer's company?"

"What are your physical stats? Height, weight, measurements?"

"What's your father's social standing in his field of work?"

"What cram schools did you go to as a kid?"

"Do you like girls?"

"Are there any NEETs in your family?"

"Do you still like doing morning radio exercises?"

"You're not the kind who blows her nose in public, are you?"

"How much umeboshi do you consume on a quarterly basis? And which brands?"

Homura wasn't truly bothered by their pestering, yet they did happen to be in her way for what she needed to do this day. She stood up and made a lousy excuse to leave, all the while inflecting her voice as snarkily as possible:

"Oh, Dear. I Think I Am Go-Ing To Vomit. I Must Go To The Class Health Off-i-cer Right A-Way."

One girl who looked like she had a head full of BBs gave an honest look of concern. "Oh really? Well, our health rep is Kaname-san over— "

Homura shouldered the girl out of her way, shutting her up. Fixedly she strode over to where Madoka sat, glaring at her and her flashy pink twintails every step of the way, her shoes clacking crisply on the floor of the otherwise silent room. Tak. Tak. Tak. Tak.

"Take me to the nurse's office before I throw up all over your desk," she blathered blandly, finally reaching Madoka.

"E-Eehh?" Madoka spluttered.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Ostensibly on their way to the nurse's office, Madoka demonstrated her leadership qualities as Class Health Officer by nervously trailing several paces behind Homura.

"Um...ehehe...y-you seem to know your way around," Madoka prattled quiveringly. "I-It's almost like you've studied a map of the school already, ehehe! Um...did you? Er..." She paused before continuing. "...My mom tells me that I used to read maps when I was little. A-And, um...and I have this Uncle Souji. He works in cartography! Or, um...he used to...I think..." Pause again. "But when I was reading maps, sometimes my mom would say stuff like, 'Oh! She's just like a little Souji!'"

Homura looked glum. And annoyed.

"But then this one time, um...one time when my mom said that, I said, 'Ew! Gross! I'm not some dirty old man!'" Pause. "I said that right in front of him. He kinda got mad. And, um...now he doesn't talk much to us anymore. He used to give me the biggest otoshidama, too...now I don't get nearly so much for New Year's. Last year I only got enough to buy me a couple of CDs and a blouse."

Homura gritted her teeth.

"...A-And an onigiri, too. 'Cuz I was on my way home from shopping and I was a little hungry and, um...and I saw this onigiri brand at a convenience store...and there was a new commercial out for it so I wanted to try it...and blaugh, it had the nastiest piece of salted squid inside that I'd ever tasted in my life. I was burping up squid all night long— "

Homura stopped and rounded on Madoka.

"Would you SHUT...UP⁈" she blasted. "LISTEN to yourself once in a while! God! Your chattering is so annoying‼"

Madoka halted, cringing. "B-But...I didn't know what to talk about..."

"So you tell me your life's story⁇ Learn to filter, dammit!"

Madoka faltered. She looked down at the floor.

Homura jabbed a finger at Madoka. "Lookit— I only dragged you here for one reason, and that was to tell you that if you value your family and your friends, then don't ever change yourself! Got it? Just always be the Kaname Madoka that you are!"

"But I thought you said I was annoying..." she whimpered, sounding like she was about to cry.

"Well...you are...but— you...I...when you don't— " Homura suddenly pulled at her hair. "Nggggh! Look what you're doing to me! My image is supposed to be that of a cool, mysterious archetype, but you're driving me nuts‼"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Later, after school, glum Madoka sat eating with her friends.

"And so, that's what she said," Madoka finished.

"Hah! So you drive Miss Icy Tits nuts? I always knew you were good for something, Madoka."

"Sometimes you drive me nuts, too, but I forgive you for that, Madoka-san," Hitomi said sweetly.

Madoka felt so fortunate to have such warm, supportive friends around her.

"Thanks," she grumbled cheerlessly.

After a few downcast moments of pouty gazing into the table, Madoka mumbled again. "I thought you thought she was hot," she said to Sayaka.

"I did, but then I talked to her later and you know what she said?" Sayaka cleared her throat and enunciated in her best thickly-accented English: "You're the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings! You are nothing but unorganized grabasstic pieces of amphibian shit!"

Silence hit the group like a block of cold tofu on a winter morning. Madoka and Hitomi caught the dirty words, but otherwised were completely perplexed.

"Wha-What does that mean, exactly?" Hitomi said at last.

"I dunno, but it pissed me off."

"How did you even memorize all that?" said Madoka.

The girls finished their meal, then set out to go. As they were getting up, Sayaka leaned over the table to Madoka.

"Hey, wanna go hit the music store?" she asked.

Twenty minutes later, Sayaka and Madoka were busily punching away on the outer glass walls of the music store, while others inside were giving them strange looks.

"This is kinda embarrassing," Madoka commented.

"Yeah. Let's just go inside," Sayaka seconded.

Pa-dap kshh.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Inside the music store, Madoka made a selection that looked interesting, then put on headphones to listen. No sooner had she done so, however, when she heard a high-pitched cry.

"Help me!"

Madoka paused. She wasn't sure she had heard what she thought she heard, so she did nothing at first.

"Help me! Help meee!"

She was sure she heard it that time, but couldn't tell where it was coming from. She took off her headphones and looked around.

"Hellllp!"

With the headphones off, she found it right away: in a spiderweb, in the small crevice behind the monitor above her, a fly was trapped...a fly with a human head. A Yuno-head. Complete with wide face and black Xs. Yuno-fly cried pitiably one last time as the spiderweb's owner closed in on her...

"Help meee!"

...then she was no more.

"KYAAAAAA!"

A freaked-out Madoka ran and crashed into Sayaka's startled arms.

"M-Madoka! What's wrong?"

"Th...th-th...th-th-the f-flyyy...and the spider..." Madoka trembled, pointing shakily from whence she ran.

"Eh? Don't tell me you're scared of bugs," Sayaka said, grinning.

Madoka thought about trying to explain. Madoka realized she would only sound like a pile of moeblob retard if she tried. Madoka instead resorted to clinging to Sayaka while doing a lot of frightened jittering.

"Hey...you all right?" Sayaka wondered in earnest.

"...I wanna go home," Madoka whimpered finally.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Yet on their way home, as they walked past some more shops in the district, Madoka heard another cry for help.

"Help me!"

Madoka about freaked again, but the voice continued before she could scream, run, faint, or whatever else freaked-out teenage girls are inclined to do.

"I promise I'm...n-not a mutated housefly..." the voice said weakly. "Please...help me..."

The voice spoke deep into her mind and her heart. It felt familiar to her...like the voice of an old friend, perhaps from another life or another time...long, long ago. Or something like that. Stupid shit like that is often put in narratives to explain why the main character runs toward a strange situation instead of away from it like most people naturally would. Eh, whatever, it moves the story forward.

So, Madoka could not ignore the desperate cry for help, being a girl that way. It seemed to be coming from a shop that she and Sayaka had just passed. She stopped her friend.

"Sayaka-chan! Um...I'm sorry, but...could you please wait here for me? I have to go in there!" she said imploringly, pointing at the shop. Though Madoka hadn't stopped to look at what kind of shop it was. But Sayaka had. It was a shop for BL manga and other fujoshi merch.

Sayaka looked a bit stunned. "..._You_...wanna go in _there_⁇"

Madoka apologized again and gave a small bow. "I'm sorry! Something's calling me!" Without waiting any longer, she ran off into the shop.

She stopped dead two seconds after she rushed through the doors, going completely red in the face.

Out of curiosity, Sayaka followed her in and came up behind her. She too was a bit shocked and unsettled by all the images hitting her young eyes from the walls and shelves. "Whoa...so this is the kind of thing that calls to you, Madoka? I had no idea you were so hardcore."

Flustered, Madoka turned to her. "No! I heard someone calling for help!"

"Help me!" the voice cried again into Madoka's mind. Madoka rushed off again without offering any explanations to her friend. Passing through a back area, a shop employee called to her, "Hey! This section is 18 and over only! Oh, whatever..." he said, trailing off into a mumble as Madoka ignored him completely. "None of the kids ever pay any attention to the ratings, anyway..."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Madoka found herself face to face with Homura in a dark, closed-off floor of the building.

"You!" Madoka cried.

"Me!" Homura cried back.

"Don't forget about me..." Kyuubey rasped from somewhere on the floor, lying face down.

"Step away from the weird knockoff Pokemon," Homura said in words like ice.

"I'm not a...knock...off..." wheezed Kyuubey.

Madoka knelt down and picked up the hurt Kyuubey gently, clutching the cute familiar close to her heart. "No!" she cried. "I can't! He's hurt! He was calling to me for help! So I've gotta help him!"

Homura's glare was emotionless. "Well. Isn't that sweet. And are you gonna hug him, and pet him, and squeeze him, and call him George, too?"

Madoka looked bewildered.

"...Eh?" was all she could say.

Suddenly, a massive blast of propellant from a fire extinguisher blew through the scene. Madoka and Kyuubey instantly found themselves covered in a fire-dousing spray of chemicals. As the air cleared, Madoka coughed, and looked up to see Sayaka holding the discharged fire extinguisher, looking acutely embarrassed.

"Sayaka-chan‼ Why'd you do that⁉" she whined rather loudly.

"Um...I missed."

Instead, Sayaka flung the canister at Homura, where it klonged bluntly against her head. Homura went down, while Sayaka grabbed Madoka's hand and yanked her to her feet.

"C'mon, let's go!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

There were no words to describe the trippy visions the two young girls found themselves surrounded by shortly thereafter. So the writer skipped it. Cut to the part after Mami dispelled the witch and Homura left. Action.

"Well, now I'll never have to try LSD to know what it's like," sighed Sayaka, still a bit numb from the shock of all that she'd just witnessed.

"...Eru Esu D?" Madoka said blankly, equally numb.

She and Madoka sat and watched Kyuubey get healed by Mami in a warm little glow of happy.

"How'd you find this thing, anyway?" Sayaka wondered.

"I heard a call for help. Like, "Help me! Help me!"...kinda like...like a voice inside my head."

"Sounds like somebody here's already taken LSD..." Sayaka japed.

Droll.

Mami's glow faded. Kyuubey sprang up, now healthy and chipper. Or just plain genki.

"Thank you, Mami! You saved me!" Kyuubey said brightly.

Mami's eyes were gentle. "No, thank them," she said, indicating Madoka and Sayaka. "They're the ones that found you. If it hadn't been for them, you would never have been saved."

Madoka was deflectively modest. "N-N-No! Thank her," she said, indicating Mami. "If it hadn't been for her, we wouldn't have escaped, and, and y-you wouldn't have been healed."

"I did nothing, really," Mami said simply. "It was just routine."

"But, we didn't do anything either," Madoka shyly insisted. "We were totally helpless..."

Kyuubey sat back and regarded them all with a wisecracking grin. "Well if nobody did nothin', how is it that we're safe now and I'm all better?" Kyuubey then snorted. "Hnh. This is why the Japanese are so..."

"Eh? But aren't you Japanese, too?" Madoka asked him for the second time this episode.

Sayaka also piped up. "Yeah, what are you, anyway? Some kinda weird knockoff of a Pokemon?"

Madoka was already tired of that running gag. "Har," she said, giving Sayaka a deadpan look.

"Nevermind that," Kyuubey chirped. "Whaddya say, you two? Wanna make a contract with me and become magical girls?"

"Wah!" Madoka suddenly went flustery. Shyly she gazed downward, her curled fingers going to her lips. "B-But, but, but if I say yes, then...w-w-will-will we have to be _naked_ during our magical transformations?"

Sayaka raised her hand straight in the air. "Hai! I will gladly get naked for money!"

"Sayaka-chan...I don't think we'd be doing this for money..."

"Eehhh? You mean we'd gain tremendous powers for fighting evil and have to put our lives in danger on a daily basis...for _free_? I think he should offer us some compensation...or, _she_ should. Or..._it_..?" Sayaka trailed off, looking at Kyuubey questioningly.

"Actually, I'm neither a he or a she," Kyuubey replied. "I'm a 'they'."

"EEEEHH⁇‼" Madoka and Sayaka cried together.

"Just kiddin'. Eheehee."

Mami bopped Kyuubey on the head with a knuckle. "Quit teasing the newbies. In any case, when you saw me transform," she went on, addressing the girls now, "you didn't see any nudity, right? I suppose if you wanted to, you could flash your body, but really, the nature of your transformation reflects what's in your own heart."

"Yeah," Kyuubey seconded. "So don't worry. Besides...the viewers get to see plenty of your delicious bod in the OP sequence."

Madoka blinked. "Eh? OP sequence?"

"Yeahhh," Kyuubey said lecherously. "Check this out— "

Kyuubey's rings glowed. Moments later, a screencap from the OP sequence of Puella Magi Madoka Magica appeared floating before them all, showing a fully nude Madoka.

And once again, Madoka flushed a bright red. "EEEEEEEHHH⁇‼ Wha-wha-wha-wha-what is this⁈? H-How — where did you get a picture of me like that⁇? "

Sayaka started drooling. "Oh My Gah. I didn't know you were such a hot loli, Madoka."

"I'm not a loli!" Madoka cried. Frantically she grabbed Kyuubey and shook the critter hard.

"Turn it off! TURN IT OFF‼"

She desperately began bashing Kyuubey repeatedly into the floor. Kyuubey made some "Goof! Guh! Gbht!" noises as Madoka's naked picture fuzzed and went out.

Mami wore snark all over her face. "Nice goin', Kyuubey. This'll really encourage them to join forces with us."

Madoka finally released Kyuubey, but when she turned around, she saw that Sayaka was still dreamy-eyed, a flowery aura exuding from her personage.

"What has been seen...cannot be unseen..." she said in a voice full of raspberry heaven.

Madoka grabbed and shook her too. "Unsee it! UNSEE IT!"

"Mami..." Kyuubey mumbled dizzily. "...I got owwies again. Heal me?"

"Sorry, I can't heal wounds brought on by stupidity," she smiled sweetly.

"Uuuu..."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Meanwhile, at a futuristic version of Hidamarisou, complete with glass walls and large, spacious rooms...

"Yunocchi! Time to go to school!" Miyako called, knocking on 201. There was no response.

"Yunocchi?" Miyako tried again. When there was still no answer after some more knocks, Miyako tried the door. It opened.

"Yunocchi? Are you awak— "

Miyako halted midsentence. Yuno was indeed awake, but only her body was present. Her head was gone—in its place was the head of a very large housefly.

"OH MY GAH‼" Miyako cried.

~~ Ep 01 End ~~

a/n part 2: first posted on the internets jan 15, 2011, just after ep 02 aired. cracked myself up later when i re-read kyuubey's "I'm a 'they'" sometime after ep 08.

original post with shitty macros: green-oval dot net ›› /a/ ›› post 44794597


	2. Ep 02

a/n: lessee, first published on Sat Jan 22 15:22:25 2011 according to green-oval dot net. took me long enough to post this part on ff because i just barely finished the draft for ep 10. yeah, i'm still working on this. even though madoka's long over. pity me and my obsessiveness.

— Ep 02 —

Madoka and Sayaka walked together with Mami amidst the rays of the late afternoon sun, headed for Mami's apartment. When they arrived, Madoka and Sayaka politely bowed before entering. As they stepped into the main living area, the young guests were fittingly impressed with her digs.

"Uwaa..." said Sayaka.

"What a pretty room!" said Madoka.

"Wow, so swank!" said Kyuubey, gawking around sparkly-eyed as though it were his very first time here. Which, it wasn't.

"Shut up, Kyuubey," said Mami.

The girls took off their shoes and put down their schoolbags as Mami exposited that she lived here alone, and welcomed them to feel at home.

"You live here by yourself? Cool!" Sayaka said giddily. "You're almost like Nagato from Haruhi! Except...well...you actually have emotions and stuff, ehehe!"

Such as they were, as she gazed back at her guests steadily. Anyhow—

Sayaka carried on, sounding as though she might wet herself with excitement any minute. "But, you're powerful, you've got your own place, you've already saved our lives once...cool, cool, cool! I feel like I'm in an anime!"

Madoka always felt slightly embarrassed when her friend started geeking out like this. "Anime are just on TV, Sayaka-chan," she laughed gently. "This is real life."

To borrow a line from Slappy Squirrel — Don't tell her. She might crack.

Sayaka felt a sudden, mischievous impulse. "Hey, mind if I take a peek in your side room here?" she said to Mami, indicating a door just off the entryway.

Mami was conciliatory. "Sure, go ahead."

"Maybe Madoka and I have been sleeping in there for the past three years, eh?" Sayaka chattered, throwing open the room for her and Madoka to see.

Not that she truly expected to see anything. Rather, just pretending for a small moment that a Madoka and a Sayaka from another timeline might have been resting inside, and actually opening the door to check, would have been fun enough for her.

So when Madoka's and Sayaka's eyes indeed fell upon another Madoka and another Sayaka, fast asleep in side-by-side futons in the middle of the room, it was a tad disconcerting.

"EEEEEEEEEHHHH⁈⁇" they both cried out.

Both the futons and their sleeping bodies on the floor then softly glowed, blurred, and faded away. Madoka and Sayaka turned in time to see a similar glow on Kyuubey's ear rings also fading away. Kyuubey looked up at them with his ever-present smile.

"Keeheehee! You girls are fun to tease," Kyuubey said happily.

Moments later, Kyuubey vanished in a flash of golden light. Madoka and Sayaka looked up to see the light that had been Kyuubey being sucked into a shining golden object that Mami held in her outstretched hand. As the light dimmed, the girls plainly saw a tiny Kyuubey appear within its interior, trapped and pounding away at the insides with his tiny forepaws.

"This is a Soul Gem," Mami explained. "It's created when a girl enters a contract and becomes a Puella Magi. It also doubles as a Pokeball for Kyuubey whenever he starts being a butt. That's something you'll want to remember if such a time comes when you have your own Soul Gem."

Madoka looked impressed. She gave Mami and her Soul Gem an adequately wide-eyed _jiiii_.

Sayaka, however, playfully smacked Madoka on the midsection with the back of her hand. Hard. Madoka squeaked like a chew toy.

"Seeee⁉ And you didn't think it was a weird Pokemon knockoff."

"Itta..." winced Madoka.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

A cup of tea and a slice of cake later, Mami sat idly spinning her Soul Gem on the table, with Kyuubey still inside, while offering up explanations as the others listened.

"The Soul Gem is the source of your magical power..."

The gem spun so fast that Kyuubey was just a white blur inside. Sayaka noted that Mami was pretty good at flicking her wrist to get a good, solid spin.

"...and it's also the symbol of the Puella Magi."

Mami laid her fingers on the gem, stopping it instantly. Kyuubey rattled and bounced around inside, until he too finally came to a stop.

"If you choose to accept a contract with Kyuubey..."

Mami flicked her wrist. Kyuubey became a white blur again as the gem spun steadily in place.

Madoka tried to listen to Mami's exposition; she was sure it was very important for her to hear. However, she was increasingly distracted by Kyuubey's plight inside the gem. Mami kept spinning and stopping the gem as she talked, and Kyuubey looked all the more sick and dizzy after each cycle, once he stopped bouncing around long enough for Madoka to see him clearly. That couldn't be comfortable. Yet Mami herself looked completely unconcerned about Kyuubey. Her face held its same, placid expression as she talked about wishes, witches, and the importance of the decision regarding the contract. Spin. Stop. Spin. Stop. Spin. Stop.

Madoka was beginning to feel a little sick and dizzy herself. "U-Um...Mami-san?" she cautiously interrupted.

Spin. "Yes, Kaname-san?" Stop.

"Don't you think it's time to let Kyuubey out of the gem, now?" she grinned shakily. Mami had spun up Kyuubey again even as she spoke. Madoka's poor little heart was cringing.

Mami gazed steadily back at Madoka, wearing that mysterious smirk of hers.

Stop.

Bounce, rattle, bounce. Flump.

Spin.

Mami offered her no reply. Madoka felt the silence getting uncomfortable.

Stop.

"Have you had enough tea, yet?" Mami casually said to her at last. Spin.

Madoka started to panic. "Eh⁉ Um! But! I—!"

Stop. Madoka could not tear her eyes away from the rattling Kyuubey. She forced herself to speak, though she wasn't sure what words were going to come out of her mouth.

"Y-Yes, I've had plenty of Kyuubey!" she bowed. "Thank you very tea!" she bowed again. "It was delicious! B-But! What about—⁉" she spluttered, pointing to Mami's gem, which Mami had spun up again.

Mami's face hadn't moved a muscle. Stop. "And you, Miki-san?" she said, moving her eyes to Sayaka. Spin.

"EH?" Madoka breathed in a tiny voice, now visibly squirming where she sat. She threw panicked glances back and forth between Sayaka and the Soul Gem.

Sayaka, though collected herself, was uncertain. "Uhh...I guess?" she answered Mami.

Stop. Mami paused. "Alright then," she said finally. Taking the gem into her hand, she held it out and released Kyuubey in a flashy glow of snazz. Kyuubey materialized on the table, then promptly yanked the lid off the teapot and vomited into it.

"Bllloorrgghghh!"

"He always does that afterwards," Mami said, resting her chin in her hand.

Kyuubey popped his face off the teapot and sat back down on the table, suddenly looking relaxed and happy. "Ahhh..." he sighed.

"And then he's perfectly fine," Mami added.

Madoka may as well have been wearing a sign that said, 'Goddamn, I'm Confused'. She stared at Kyuubey like an open-mouthed, clueless teenage girl. Which was something that came rather easily to her.

Sayaka smirked. "Eh, Madoka's one of those _sensitive_ girls," she told Mami. "She can't bear to watch things sufferi — wait, wait, is the teapot actually _glowing_⁇"

Indeedy it was. Madoka's and Sayaka's eyeballs locked onto Mami's teapot, which now had a pale radiance emanating from it's open top and spout.

"Oh, that's my puke. It glows," Kyuubey said merrily. "Ain't I somethin'?"

Sayaka couldn't resist a look-see. The pale radiance illuminated her face amidst the darkening twilight of the room as she peered inside.

"Whoaaa...It's like, beautiful, yet...disgusting..." she said, morbidly entranced. She then slid the teapot over to Madoka. "Have a look?"

Madoka yelped and instantly averted her eyes.

"Well, if you want to go on a witch hunt with me, you're gonna see things plenty more disgusting than that," Mami said pleasantly.

"Where did the witches come from, anyway?" Sayaka asked.

"I don't know too much myself, but that isn't what's most important. The witches are beings of pure malice. We know they only want to spread sorrow and despair. We know we can't allow innocent people to be hurt by them. And we also know that they are witches because they weigh the same as a duck," she finished, her placid expression broadening into a true smile.

Three blank stares met her from Madoka, Sayaka, and Kyuubey. Several ticks of a clock echoed through the long, empty silence.

"...Right. Ahem," said Mami at last, putting her sempai face back on.

"A wish, huh...?" Madoka said softly, looking down pensively at her empty cake plate on the table.

Sayaka glanced at her, then at Kyuubey. "Hey! We can wish for anything we want, right?"

"Yep! Anything at all!" Kyuubey said brightly. "Just try to keep it legal, eh? You girls are still underage, you know!"

"Then can I wish for more wishes?"

Kyuubey didn't miss a beat. "Yep! But for every wish you make, another one of me will pop into existence to keep you company! Just think! There could be hundreds of me all around you, alllll the time! Eheehee! It kinda sounds like fun!"

Sayaka cringed. "Ehhh...well then what if I wished for more wishes but without another one of you appearing after every wish?"

"Then all your other wishes after the first one would be limited to ice cream, candy, or Digimon stickers."

Sayaka was getting annoyed. "Okay then, what if I wished for more wishes without more copies of you appearing after each wish AND being able to wish for more than just ice cream, candy, or Digimon stickers⁇"

"Then the universe might implode."

"What⁉ Why⁇"

"I said 'might'. Wanna try it and find out?" Kyuubey said cheerfully.

Sayaka clenched her fists. "OKAY! Then what if I wished for more wishes without more copies of you appearing and being able to wish for more than just ice cream, candy, or Digimon stickers WITHOUT the universe imploding⁈⁇"

"Then you would become likened to a god. At which point you wouldn't need any more wishes!"

Sayaka's brain went floop. "Whoaaaah..." she breathed, awestruck with the thought of possibly becoming a god. For four seconds her face remained in 'Whoaaah' mode. She then thumped Twintails on the shoulder. "Whaddya think, Madoka? Wanna worship me for all eternity?" she grinned.

Madoka's reply was instant. "Mm-mm!" she refused, shaking her head emphatically.

"But then if you became as a god," Kyuubey continued, "you'd have to deal with some heavy competition from a certain girl named Haruhi!"

Sayaka stopped. Her face turned deeply contemplative. "Oh yeah, that's right..." she said matter-of-factly.

_She took that seriously⁇_ Madoka thought to herself.

"As kindly as I think of you, Miki-san, if you wished to become a god, I'd have to count myself among the heretics," Mami said, still wearing her standard smirk.

"I wonder if there's anything I could think of to wish for," Madoka said softly.

"How about penises?" Kyuubey chimed. "Either of you girls ever wonder what it would be like to have a penis?"

Two seconds later, Kyuubey was pounding the insides of Mami's Soul Gem again, like a Miyako who'd been banished from the dinner table. Mami spun 'im up.

"You do that so well," Sayaka said, staring fixedly at the spinning gem. Her fingers were itching to have a go at it herself, thought she knew it might be a lot to ask to handle Mami's Soul Gem. "M-Might I try it?" she asked a bit shyly.

Mami stopped it. Kyuubey rattled. "A Puella Magi's Soul Gem is a personal and intimate part of herself," she explained calmly. "To allow someone else to touch it would be the same as allowing someone else to touch her on her breast." She held out the Soul Gem to Sayaka. "Would you like to touch me on my breast?"

Sayaka recoiled, blushing nervously. "Ehh, that's okay then. I'll pass."

She watched Mami spin up Kyuubey again. _So does that mean she's been fondling herself all this time, right in front of us?_ Sayaka wondered silently.

"Mmmm..." Mami sighed pleasantly, still smirking.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

The next morning, as Madoka and Kyuubey met up with Sayaka and Hitomi on their way to school...

"Wait, what?" Sayaka blurted in her thoughts. "You mean we can talk to each other just by thinking?"

"Yep!" Kyuubey thought-answered. "Courtesy of me acting as relay. Ain't magic some shit?"

Sayaka beamed. "Awesome!" She shot Madoka and Kyuubey a thumbs-up. Madoka tentatively raised a thumbs-up in return, wearing an embarrassed grin while bubbling a small "Ehehe..." in her thoughts.

Hitomi gave them both an odd look.

As Madoka caught up to them, Sayaka continued eyeing her knowingly. Sweetly. Lustfully.

Okay, maybe not lustfully. Not yet, anyway.

And maybe not sweetly, either. Still, as Sayaka and Madoka continued in their telepathic yakking, Hitomi the outsider couldn't escape the impression that they were intently making eyes at each other.

"Heh...if nobody can see him, we could get Kyuubey to do all kinds of things in the classroom," Sayaka thought devilishly.

"Like pick up trash!" Madoka piped up.

Sayaka's face fell. "Ehh?" she deadpanned.

"Well...you know," Madoka continued uncertainly, "the trash would be like...floating in midair...and when it puts itself in the trash can...everyone would like...freak out, or...something..." She finally trailed off under Sayaka's non-laughing face.

"I was thinking of something more like putting a tack on Homura-tan's chair."

"Oh," Madoka thought. In spite of her sweet heart, she couldn't help being amused by the idea. She started giggling a bit.

"Or erasing the teacher's whiteboard during the lesson. Like she'll be writing along like usual...when suddenly, erase-erase-erase!"

Now they were just being dorks. Still, they both burst into a fit of giggles at the thought.

"Madoka-san, Sayaka-san," Hitomi suddenly interrupted, "you both have been so quiet this morning. And gazing into each other's eyes...even giggling together with knowing looks! Is something going on between you two?" Hitomi's eyes then widened as she was hit with realization. "D-Don't tell me that...that you two have—!"

Sayaka thought a quick "Ne, Madoka, play along with me on this, 'kay?", to which Madoka replied with a "'Kay," before Sayaka admitted to Hitomi:

"Yeah. We fucked last night."

"EEEEHHH!⁇" screamed Madoka, flushing red and instantly deciding not to play along after all.

Hitomi, however, appeared to have no reaction. She merely stood in place and did a lot of blinking.

"Oh. Is that all," she finally said. "Sou des' ne..."

Hitomi's body hit the walkway. She'd fainted dead away.

"Hi-Hi-Hitomi-chan!" Madoka cried, rushing to kneel at her side.

"Whoa crap," said Sayaka.

"Hitomi-chan! Hitomi-chan!" Madoka called to her, but got no response. Madoka threw a glance up at Sayaka. "Why did you say that, Sayaka-chaaan⁉" she whined.

"Well I didn't think she'd react like _that_!"

"Hoo! You girls are fun! Is it like this every morning?" chirped Kyuubey.

"Shut it!" spat Sayaka.

"Can you use your magic to help her?" Madoka pleaded to Kyuubey.

"Only if you want that to be your wish!" Kyuubey replied happily.

The normally-kind Madoka punched Kyuubey off her shoulder. Kyuubey said "Boof!"

Being young-and-stupid teenage girls without much life experience, they were at a loss over what to do.

"Wh-What are we gonna do?" said Sayaka unnecessarily. Ahem. The writer already said that.

"Uhh...uhh...!" said Madoka, starting to panic.

"We're going to be late for school..." Sayaka took a couple of steps away.

"Whaat⁈ Y-You can't just walk off and leave her here!"

Sayaka stopped.

"...I can't?" she said hesitantly.

"No! Take some responsibility for fucking me!"

Actually, Madoka had meant to say, 'Take some responsibility for saying that you fucked me', but, well...

"...I didn't mean that quite the way that sounded," Madoka replied quietly to Sayaka's stupefied face.

The girls tried to revive Hitomi by gently slapping her cheeks while calling her name. They tried splashing her face with water from the stream beside the walkway. They tried tickling her. They tried flipping her skirt up while announcing loudly that her panties were showing...well, Sayaka tried it, anyway. Madoka slapped Sayaka's hand away from Hitomi's skirt.

"Let's take her to the school nurse!" Madoka said. Duh, finally, Miss Class Health Officer.

"But who's gonna carry her?"

Madoka strapped Hitomi on her back and made a valiant effort to lift her up. Madoka fell on her face.

Sayaka managed to take a few unsteady steps with Hitomi on her back before nearly dropping her.

"I never knew she was so heavy," Sayaka panted.

"I think it's just that we're not very strong," Madoka lamented.

And with that, Madoka was awarded a Digimon sticker saying 'Good Job!' from the writer.

"Well we gotta do something!" Madoka cried. She leapt to her feet. Tearing off the Digimon sticker, she picked up half of Hitomi by her deodorized armpits. "Maybe I can carry her like this, and then you can carry her feet, and then together we can—"

"Hey, waitaminnit. That gives me an idea," Sayaka said.

Moments later, standing on the edge of the shallow stream, Madoka and Sayaka lugged Hitomi's sagging body between them, about to toss her in for what they hoped would be a refreshing dunk.

"I-I-I don't think we should be doing this!" Madoka jittered.

"Got any better ideas?" Sayaka returned. "'Kay, on three! One!"

"Uuuu..."

"Two!"

"Gomen nasai gomen nasai—"

"Three!"

"GOMEN NASAI HITOMI-CHAAAAN!"

BLOOSH.

Rolling a 00 on 2d10, Hitomi managed to avoid bashing her head against a sharp jagged rock or inhaling two lungfuls of water and drowning in the shallow streambed. If the powers that be never watched over the stupid, moeshit just wouldn't be as much fun anymore.

Hitomi gasped and spluttered to life. The girls quickly helped her out of the water and stood her up on the walkway, fervently asking if she was all right. Hitomi merely dripped soggily, her mind going back to why she had passed out in the first place.

"You two...you two really have...but I don't..."

Sayaka tried to put her at ease. "Hitomi, it was only—"

"One time⁇" Hitomi cried. "Is that what you're trying to say? That it's no big deal because it was only one time? You can't make light of it that way!" She paused. "You two really are on a whole new level now, aren't you..." she trailed off mournfully.

Sayaka and Madoka were at a loss. "Uhh..." Sayaka mumbled.

"But I...I don't want to be left out..." Hitomi went on. She clasped her hands and lifted her voice in renewed whininess. "I know it may just seem selfish of me, and, and I don't want to get in your way, and, but...I don't want to be left behind, either! I mean, we're all still good friends, aren't we? And, and if you guys are willing to go so far as to...then maybe I could...maybe I think I'd also like to try...e-even though I may not be as experienced as you two are..."

Madoka and Sayaka blushed hard, fearing where this was headed.

"...a-and even if I wasn't raised to believe this way," Hitomi continued convincing herself, "still...for our friendship, and because you two already have and I love and respect you both, then maybe it'd be okay for me, too...that is, if you'll have me..."

"Hitomi..." Sayaka tried again.

Hitomi suddenly broke off and unzipped her schoolbag, reaching inside. "A-A-And I could even bring things like these along! You know, to make the experience better?" From her nondescript bag she began pulling out fistfuls of sex toys — dildoes, vibrators, butt plugs, nipple clamps, anal beads, and a number of other items that Madoka and Sayaka had no idea what they were or how they could possibly be used on the female body. "I have lots and lots of practice using them!" Hitomi beamed. "It's kinda my own little hobby...I could even teach you how to get the most mind-blowing orgasms out of them, if you like! That is, if you don't know how already..."

This was certainly a new side of Hitomi that Madoka and Sayaka had never known about before. Nor had they wanted to know.

"Wa-wa-wa-wa..." shuddered Madoka.

"So please! Please let me join in your fucking and sucking, too! At least let me try! You don't even have to love me, if both of you only have hearts for each other. You can both just use my body if you want! I just don't want to be left all alone—"

Sayaka held out both hands. "Hitomi!"

"Eh?"

"It was just a joke!"

Hitomi paused, confused. "...Huh?"

"When I said Madoka and I fucked last night...I was just kidding."

"...You mean...you're really not...?"

Hitomi looked to Madoka. Madoka shook her head.

A very long silence hung between the three girls as Hitomi glanced from Sayaka to Madoka and back again while the truth slowly sank in. No one moved. The sex toys remained in plain sight between them, resting in Hitomi's young hands. Other Mitakihara girls passing them by on their way to school were giving them lots of strange looks.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hitomi suddenly laughed far too eagerly. In the space of the next two seconds she had stuffed all her toys back into her bag, zipped it up, and slung it back over her shoulder. She then cast her gaze up into the sky. "Well! It sure is a lovely morning, isn't it⁉ The sky is so beautiful and clear, the water from the stream so refreshing, and I'm walking to school together with my two best friends!" She then spun on her heel and happily marched forward, bursting into song: "A-ru-kou! A-ru-kou! Watashi wa gen—"

She froze mid-stride.

"UWAAAAAAAAA!" she suddenly bawled, running away fast and hard. Too fast and hard. She quickly tripped and fell on her breasts.

"Hitomi!"

"Hitomi-chan!"

They both ran up to her and peeled her wet self off the stone slabs, sitting her up. Hitomi was in tears. On top of that, her uniform was now muddied. Hitomi wished she could start this day over — only next time she'd leave the trappings of her perverted self behind at home.

Sayaka looked upon Hitomi with a face full of reassurance and understanding. "It's all right, Hitomi...we're your friends. We won't tell anyone," she said bracingly. Madoka nodded in agreement alongside her.

Hitomi sniffled. "...Th..thank you," she sobbed.

Together they helped Hitomi to school and got her cleaned up as best they could at the nurse's office. D'awww. Now aren't you glad for just that small bit of moe? Or would you rather see Hitomi and Madoka fucking each other with one of those double-ended dildos? Meh, in this fic Madoka's not quite ready to be raped by other girls while lying locked in a naked, sweaty embrace. At least not yet. Besides, Hitomi x Madoka = fail.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

At school, Madoka and Sayaka continued chatting over the telepathic psywaves. They were pleasantly surprised to learn that Mami could join in with them as well. Yet it wasn't long before Sayaka thought to raise a concern.

"Waitaminnit, does this mean everybody's gonna hear my private thoughts?" she said.

"It's not like that," Kyuubey said lightly. "It's more like we're just having a conversation but without actually talking to each—"

"But even if we're just talking like this and then I suddenly think 'penis', all of you are gonna hear it, right?"

"Sure," Kyuubey yapped. "If you think it out loud."

Madoka flushed at her desk. "S-Sayaka-chan..." she thought in a nervous smile.

"And why exactly would you suddenly think, 'penis', Miki-san?" Mami asked calmly.

"Well, you never know...something random might just pop into my head like 'penis' or 'scrotum' or 'testicles'..."

"A...Anno..."

Mami twitched an eyebrow. "Okay kiddies, let's keep it—"

"Or what about mental images? Do mental images pass through this telepathy thing, too?"

This hadn't occurred to Mami before. "I've never really tried—" she started to say —

— when Sayaka imagined a picture in her head of a huge, thick, erect penis. "Like right now...can you guys see—"

Three voices spoke into Sayaka's head at once.

Madoka. "WAH!"

Mami. "Miki-san!"

Kyuubey. "Whoaaa, nelly!"

The penis faded from Sayaka's mind. "See⁇ So now it's like I won't have any privacy!"

"Well, you can always think about that some other time," Mami chided. "We _are_ at school, you know."

"Yeah but, what if some good-looking guy walks by, and then suddenly _this_ pops into my head?" Sayaka quickly glanced about, and finding the first good-looking young bishie, immediately imagined him naked and masturbating.

"AH! Awawa—!"

"Kindly quit putting penises into my mind, Miki-san."

The bishie in her head kept right on fapping furiously. Sayaka seemed to be spacing out.

"Miki-san!" Mami said again.

Sayaka's bishie came in a spectacular spurt. Milky man-juice gushed out from the head, throb after throb.

Madoka was torn. She wanted desperately to avert her mind from the eruptions...and yet...her body would not allow her to look away. She sat at her desk and did more red-faced blushing.

"Yoo-hoooo, Sayaka..." Kyuubey called.

Sayaka suddenly snapped to. "Eh? Wha?" Her bishie and all related semen vanished.

"This isn't the internet, Miki-san," Mami frowned. "Control yourself."

Sayaka felt hot. She shifted her legs. "Aw, shit. Now I'm all squishy."

"You sure are obsessed with male reproduction today, Sayaka! Are you ovulating?" Kyuubey chattered.

Madoka, however, now seemed engaged in a hormonal struggle of her own.

"N-No...I musn't think it..."

"Kaname-san?" Mami asked. "Something wr—"

But try as Madoka might, she could not stop the memory in her head from floating into the forefront of her consciousness...the memory of her dream from yesterday, where she awoke from bed to find herself suddenly a lot more masculine. A vision of her own body appeared, as though she were looking down at herself from behind her own eyes. The colors were subdued in the intimate, early morning light filtering through the curtains of her bedroom. Pink pajamas. White cotton panties. Stiff penis where her vagina used to be.

Sayaka's mind jolted. "WHOA! M-M-Madoka⁇"

"Holy Mother of Futa!" Kyuubey grinned.

Mami rested her chin in her hand. "Et tu, Kaname-san?"

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" Madoka cried. She tried to erase the image from her thoughts...only to find that it was quickly replaced by an identical image, coming from Sayaka. Having latched onto the fantasy, Sayaka then imagined a pink-sleeved arm moving into the picture. A small, delicate hand grasped the shaft and gently squeezed, then slowly began gliding up and down along its firmness.

"EEEHH⁉ S-Sayaka-chan! What are you doing!⁇" Madoka squealed.

Sayaka's thoughts sounded utterly spaced. "Sorry...I can't help it...Madoka-chan..." She began scooting about oddly in her chair.

"Ahahaha! You sure you girls don't wanna wish for penises?" Kyuubey chirped brightly.

Madoka's hand pumped faster and faster on her rod in Sayaka's fantasy, her hips now thrusting and tensing rhythmically, sending pulses of pleasure throughout her small frame. Another pink-sleeved hand moved into the scene and began fondling and squeezing her breasts. The real Madoka felt as though she were watching a video of kittens being boiled.

Mami mentally sighed. "Does Mommy need to have Kyuubey put away the telepathy toys?"

Sayaka abruptly got up from her desk. "Um, be right back. I gotta go to...the library! There's this book I wanted to check out!" She hastened to the classroom door. "But don't anybody follow me! Turn off the telepathy thing or whatever, okay⁉" Exiting the room, she then hotfooted it down the hallway. The fantasy of fapping Madoka soon became indistinct, then vanished. The reader may now cry or rage because there was no Madicka jizz, if the reader so chooses.

"She's out of range," Kyuubey informed the others.

Madoka was quivering. "...'-chan'...'-chan'...S-She never calls me '-chan'..." she thought falteringly. "But she did when she was thinking about...when she was thinking about...w-wha-what does this mean? What does this mean, Mami-san⁇"

"Don't ask me, she's _your_ friend," came Mami's annoyed response.

Sayaka returned a few minutes later, just in time before class was to begin. She looked relieved, though also embarrassed, and she settled herself back into her desk with barely a sound.

"Aaaand she comes back without a book," Kyuubey smirked mentally at her.

"Feel better, Miki-san?" Mami chimed in.

"Shut it."

Sayaka chanced a backward look at Madoka. Madoka had her bright red face buried on her desk. She hesitatingly peeked an eye out at Sayaka through her fingers.

Sayaka's thoughts felt atypically flustered and moody. "Relax, Madoka. It was just the hormones talking," she thought grumpily as she faced forward again.

"Okay. I-I-If you say so..."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

And then a lot of other shit happened, but the slow-ass writer couldn't parody it all in time before Episode 3 came out. Suffice to say that during the witch hunt, Sayaka went batshit, Homura struck out, and Mami stayed on top of things, but Madoka's usefulness in battle was sketchy. Cut to the girls walking home after the end of the episode — action.

As their shoes clacked along on the sidewalk in the early evening, no one talked much. Mami knew it was a lot for them to take in, and she gave them their space. Presently, however, the others saw that Madoka was crying softly to herself. Madoka couldn't help recalling the scene in her mind where she had witnessed the woman jumping off the building and nearly falling to her death.

"You okay, Madoka?" asked Sayaka.

"That woman..." Madoka sniffled. "If we hadn't been there, then right now she'd be...she would be..." Her voice quavered harder as she trailed off.

Sayaka clapped a manly hand on Madoka's shoulder, throwing Madoka slightly off balance. "Don't worry about it too much," Sayaka said hearteningly. "After all, thousands of people all over the world commit suicide every day."

Madoka's waterworks burst wide open. "UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

The outburst caught Sayaka off guard. "Eh? Um!" she said, scrambling to think of a corrective maneuver. "Well...l-look at it this way!" she went on, trying to sound cheerful. "If we become Puella Magi, then we can be the ones who help save people from trying to hurt themselves, too!"

"...Really?" Madoka sobbed.

"Yep, yep," Sayaka continued, standing proud and folding her arms. "And with three of us on the job, we can do a lot more rescuing, and a lot more spreading around of love and hope!"

Madoka appeared to recover a little. At Sayaka's words, a small ray of hope entered into her own heart as well.

"Of course, they'd probably have to be somewhere in our own town for us to help them," Sayaka stopped to consider, more to herself than to anyone else. "If someone were about to commit suicide in some far-off country, I guess we couldn't do anything about that. They'd be a goner."

"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Mami laid a hand on Sayaka's shoulder. "It's time for you to stop talking," she said.

— Ep 02 End —

p.s.

lol "a Madoka and a Sayaka from another timeline"  
>lol tummypunch "smacked Madoka on the midsection"<br>lol Kyuubeys "hundreds of me all around you"  
>lol wishes "becoming a god"<br>no one here's gonna believe i wrote this in january


	3. Ep 03

a/n:

anonymous reviewer asked if this fic covers the whole series — yup, it does. chaps have already been written up through ep 09, with ep 10 still in draft. originally wrote this to post on 4chan while series was still in progress. though i couldn't keep up with it every week because i got burnt out a lot. now reposting here for others to enjoy...and because i like getting attention.

* * *

><p>— Ep 03 —<p>

Night.

Playground.

Three middle school girls.

One hidden pervert fapping to them from the bushes.

Mami and her Tiro Finale popped another familiar with vintage-themed panache amidst the darkness of the late night air. The familiar died in a spazzy flash of color, which Mami's warm glow of marigold soon supplanted. Madoka and Sayaka cheered her victory from the sidelines as they lounged comfortably on a park bench, Madoka munching from a bag of popcorn and Sayaka taking a swig from a bottle of Morning Rescue.

Crunch. "Mami's just the coolest, ne?" Madoka grinned as she masticated. Crunch, crunch.

Sayaka _pwaah_-ed as her mouth came off the bottle. "Ohh yeaah. Mami is the shit." She reached over and dug a few puffs out of Madoka's bag and stuffed them in her mouth, offering the Morning Rescue to Madoka. Madoka took the bottle and had herself a small sip. Indirect kiss, people.

Mami hopped down from the streetlamp and strode up to the two of them. With a touch of annoyance, she snatched the bag from Madoka's buttery fingers. "This isn't a show, kiddies. It's dangerous business. You have to stay on top of your game during a fight." Pa-dap kshh. "A Puella Magi can't let the fact that she has magical powers go to her head." Pa-dap kshh. "Her neck is always on the line." Pa-dap kshh.

"I know, Mami-san," Sayaka chuckled guiltily. "But I still haven't decided for sure what I want to wish for, yet. Otherwise I'd have joined you in battle already."

The girls left the park and walked on through the cool of the evening as they talked more about making wishes, leaving behind the hidden pervert in the bushes. In an earlier draft of this episode, the pervert was going to get clocked over the head with Sayaka's bat when Mami magically chucked it at him like a boomerang and caught it in her hand post-whack, causing Madoka and Sayaka to drool all the more over Mami's alpha-girl awesomeness. Yet in the end, all he was guilty of was fapping to Madoka. And once the Madoka porn hits Comiket, we'll all be fapping. So let's just leave him be.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"What did you wish for, Mami-san?" Madoka asked, reaching over for popcorn.

"Loads of hot lesbian sex," Mami said, moving the bag out of Madoka's reach. "God. Best four days of my life I ever had," she sighed dreamily.

The conversation stopped dead. Madoka's outstretched hand hung motionlessly in midair right in front of Mami's ample breasts. Sayaka had snagged a popped kernel when Mami had shifted the bag over but her hand had frozen halfway to her open mouth. When Madoka finally spoke again, her voice came out in an awkward squeak.

"R-Really?"

"No," Mami deadpanned.

She then told them her story. About the accident. About how she lay dying in a smashed car, the rest of her family already dead. About how Kyuubey had appeared, seemingly like an angel of mercy. About how Kyuubey had let slip months later that her wish to live had been easy to grant because her injuries hadn't been all that severe, and that she probably would have survived even if Mami hadn't made a contract. About how something inside her had snapped, and how she had grabbed Kyuubey by the neck and thrown him out the front door of her apartment and off the building four seconds later. About how she had watched him fall into the street and get hit by a truck, and how she had crazily laughed her guts out at that. About how minutes later, Kyuubey had hopped back up onto her doorstep, his magical body unfazed by the long drop and the kiss of steel-belted radial. About how her heart suddenly went to pieces at that very moment, and how she had collapsed and wept inconsolably, and cried herself to sleep while Kyuubey scrounged around her apartment for snacks and played around with the TV remote all night long, completely oblivious to her despair.

"Oh come on, I wasn't _that_ oblivious!" Kyuubey interjected. "I kept the TV turned down low so you could sleep! Well...once I figured out how to work the volume buttons..."

"Kaname-san," Mami said, turning to her.

Madoka nodded. She then punched Kyuubey off her shoulder.

"Boof!" Kyuubey said.

It had become such a standard practice by this point that either Mami or Sayaka could request it of Madoka with only a word.

The conversation then took a more intense turn as the girls discussed motivations behind wishes. More popcorn was passed around, as well as Morning Rescue, though Mami politely refused the drink, not ready to kiss Madoka or Sayaka on the lips yet. Eventually the heavy topic wound down, and presently Sayaka announced that she had to pee, her body having relaxed after the conversation, the bottle now empty and her bladder now full.

Luckily — and in fiction, anything that happens just because the writer wanted it to happen without having to justify shit is always preceded by the flimsy word 'luckily' — they happened upon a nearby public restroom. Madoka felt a bit of a nature call as well, so she accompanied Sayaka while Mami waited outside. Kyuubey also followed them in. Madoka tried to push him out with her foot but he dodged and leaped on top of the stall partitions. He settled himself on a spot right between the stalls that Madoka and Sayaka had chosen so he could peep at them both while they took care of business.

"Pervert," grumbled Madoka, as she pulled down her skirt and panties and took a seat — the restroom happened to have western-style toilets. Sayaka couldn't have cared less about it though, she was already sitting skirt-down with a hearty flow gushing from between her legs. Incidentally, there goes another cheap-ass phrase writers often use for the sake of convenience. 'Happened to have'.

"Aw c'mon," Kyuubey said, "it's not like you have anything to hide. I've seen you completely naked in the bath. And when you change clothes in your room. And when you play with yourself in bed at night!"

Madoka blanched. "K-K-KYUUBEY!" she stammered, well aware of Sayaka's presence one stall over.

Sayaka blushed herself. Not exactly something she wanted to hear about her best friend put so bluntly. Still, she tried to be consoling. "Eh...don't take it too hard, Madoka. You've already got one on me. Remember? The other day when I said I was going to 'the library'?" Sayaka smiled to herself a little at the thought of it now.

Madoka uttered a Yuno-ish whimper in response. She buried her red face in her hands. "Just don't watch me pee, okay?" she mumbled to Kyuubey.

Sayaka sighed, her bladder just about empty now. "I really don't like public restrooms, but I couldn't hold it any longer," she said, changing the subject. "Especially with these western toilets. You never know what kind of butts were sitting on them before you."

Madoka now had her own flow of pee going. She was spacing, and didn't reply. Presently her eyes fell on her panties stretched between her legs, and the light stain in the middle. Idly she wondered why her panties never stayed crispy clean and white over time.

"Boys have it so much easier...they can just go wherever they want to," Sayaka continued as she began cleaning herself up. "I wish I could stand up and pee like they do."

"Okay!" Kyuubey chirped, perking up. "One wish, coming right up!" He began to glow brilliantly.

Sayaka jolted. "WAUGH! NO! That's not what I wish for!"

"But you said, 'I wish'!"

"That was just an expression! I didn't mean it!" she cried desperately.

"Awww..." Kyuubey pouted. His glow dimmed.

Sayaka breathed in and out a few times, her heart pounding.

"Don't DO that!" she bellowed at Kyuubey once she'd recovered.

Madoka, meanwhile, was trying to restart her stream, having involuntarily squelched it with the surprise of the sudden commotion. She hated it when this happened.

"Having trouble, Madoka?" Kyuubey said pleasantly.

"Wah! What are you — I told you not to watch me!" Madoka whined.

"I _wasn't_ watching you...I can smell that you stopped."

"Don't smell me, either!"

Sayaka, having finished now and flushed, yanked Kyuubey down by the tail and let his head hit the floor with a kronk.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Back in her room, Madoka was lying in bed in her pajamas in a deeply pensive mood. She looked long at her drawings of the cute costume she'd sketched out days ago in her notebook. She was hoping that tonight she could spend more time turning things over in her head, but at the moment that was proving rather difficult. Kyuubey was busy catching up on his Python lore on a portable DVD player, listening through headphones while nestled amongst the stuffed animals at the head of Madoka's bed. His frequent chortling, snickering, and guffawing echoed noisily through Madoka's mind. Madoka could only wonder where in heaven he got the disc.

"Ahahahahahaha! 'Weighs the same as a duck!' NOWWW I get it, Mami! Ahahahaha!"

Madoka sighed and let the notebook fall on her face. This wasn't working at all. She couldn't think. She couldn't sleep. She couldn't fap either, not after what Kyuubey had said earlier. So she decided for the time being just to lay sprawled on her bed like a passed-out drunk.

Speaking of passed-out drunks, presently she heard a knock on her door. It was Papa, asking for her help. Madoka groaned inwardly.

"Again?" she breathed.

She already knew what this was about. The awkwardness of having to see her own mother wasted on booze was settling unhappily on her child soul as she lugged herself out of bed and slowly paced toward her door.

"I wish Mama wouldn't come home drunk like this," she said softly.

"Okay! One wish, coming right up!" Kyuubey said brightly. He began to glow brilliantly.

Madoka whirled. "Wah-ah-ah-ah! N-No no no! That's not my wish!" she said fervently.

"Awww..." he pouted, dimming again.

"Eh? What's not your wish, Madoka?" Papa said from beyond the door.

"Um! Nothing! Just talking to myself, ahaha! I'm coming now!"

Madoka threw an uncharacteristically mean look at Kyuubey.

"Don't do that again," she hissed in a low voice at him. "Or..." She then punched a fist into the palm of her other hand with a smack. She turned and grumpily walked out.

Kyuubey's eyes were dancing with giddy glee. "Wowww...I was right! She's got sooo much potential to be a real kickass Puella Magi!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Elsewhere, Mami was enjoying herself as she trash-talked Homura beneath the amber streetlamps of an empty plaza, Mami's ever-present smirk answering Homura's cold, steady glare.

"I can't allow Pink Twintails to form a contract," Homura said icily. "No matter what."

"Is it because you know that she would totally kick your ass if she did? That's so beta of you. No, scratch that — that's all the way down to zeta."

A short pause hung in the air between them while somebody three blocks away farted.

"Omega," said Homura.

"What?"

"It's omega, you stupid twat. Zeta is not the last letter of the Greek alphabet like Z in English. It's the sixth."

Another short pause hung in the air. Mami's smirk fell off her face as a slight blush tinged her cheeks.

"I _meant_ zeta. Like you're waaay behind me, all the way back in sixth place."

"Just shut up," Homura said acidly, turning away and walking off. "And tell Kyuubey to do us all a favor and stuff himself in a trash compactor."

Mami watched her fade away into the darkness. Her smirk slowly recovered its rightful place on her lips.

"You first," she murmured, a twinge of competitive pride glimmering within her golden eyes. Hot damn, she's delicious.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

One newly-spawned witch's maze and one commercial break later, Sayaka stood with Kyuubey in front of the cell containing the incubating Charlotte, her hands idly behind her head. They had already been waiting for some time.

"Man, this is almost getting boring," said Sayaka. "I wish I had something to do."

"Okay! One wish, coming right—blgkth!"

Sayaka's hand had gripped Kyuubey by his puny throat. "Would you stop that!" she snarled.

Back at the maze's entrance, Madoka and Mami were tenderly holding hands as they traipsed among the oversized snacks and creepy medical instruments.

"Isn't it wonderful for us to be together?" Mami sang giddily as they skipped along through the hellish darkness, their interlocked fingers lovingly clasped together. "I almost wanna take off my clothes and have sex with you right here!"

"Okay!" returned Madoka sweetly, if not a bit ditzily.

Wait, what?

Okay, so that didn't happen. Not even in this parody. This fic may be stupid, but there's still limits as to how far OOC a writer can go. Sorry folks, let's try this again.

Back at the maze's entrance, Madoka held Mami's hand as Mami led the way through Charlotte's piles of oversized snacks and medical instruments. Suddenly a band of mariachis popped out from behind a giant churro, and began merrily singing an enka version of La Cucaracha — really badly. Madoka and Mami jumped up in surpr—

Dammit.

Let's just cut to the part where Madoka's gawking at all the spooky shit in Charlotte's maze.

"...Cookies?...Crackers?...Donuts?" Madoka breathed.

"Nothing from Lotte, though," said Mami. "Feh, this witch has no taste."

"Hmmh?"

For an instant Mami felt Madoka release, then re-grip, her hand.

"I said this bitch has no taste," Mami said, sniggering lightly at her change of word. Booh, lame. C'mon, Mami, you can do better.

"Hmmm-hh-hmm, Hmmm-hh-hmm! Hmmm-hm-hm hhm hmmm!"

Mami's eyebrow twitched. "Kaname-san, that's annoying. Are you trying to be funny?"

"She's trying to say, 'Turn around, dumbshit'."

Homura.

Mami whirled around. For a brief instant she saw that it was Homura holding her hand now, while Madoka was several paces back struggling with an enormous donut that had been shoved into her mouth. Then her vision went black as Homura slapped a massively oversized cream pie in Mami's face. Mami fell on her butt in a mound of cream.

"Fuck off, Corkscrews," Homura said, walking on past. "This one's mine."

Mami swiftly swept cream out of her eyes and leapt to her feet. She summoned her magic, and in moments Homura was enveloped in marigold mana.

"W-What are you-!" Homura stammered.

The magic glow reached a crescendo, then suddenly burst apart. And with it, so did every single article of Homura's clothing.

"Uwa-a-a-a-a-aah!" Homura cried, quickly throwing her hands over her unshowables. "You idiot! This witch isn't like any witch you've fought before!"

"If I were you, I'd be more concerned about feeling a lot more breezy right now," Mami smirked creamily.

Homura scowled. "I'm not finished here!" she spat before speeding off down a passageway to hide herself amongst cakes and candy. Madoka, meanwhile, had finally gotten the donut off and was busily spitting the rest of it out of her mouth.

"Well, that'll keep her busy for a while," Mami said pleasantly. She turned to Madoka. "It's hard to act all badass when you're naked, ne?"

Mid-spit, the thought crossed Madoka's mind that it must be equally hard to act all badass when your face and clothes were covered in cream. Yet Mami was doing quite the classy job of it.

_Mami-san is soooo cool,_ Madoka drooled to herself.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Yet only minutes later, Madoka was witnessing a completely different side of Mami. The Mami that was scared. The Mami that never had time just to be a normal girl. The Mami that always felt alone.

"You're not alone anymore, Mami-san," Madoka said gently.

Mami turned around. She took both of Madoka's hands into her own. "Then...will you really fight with me? Will you stay by my side?" Tears began beading up in her hopeful eyes.

"Yes...if you're okay with someone like me."

"And will you cook dinners for me, too? And make bentos for me?"

Madoka laughed gently. "But you're a wonderful cook, Mami-san. Every time you have me over, your food is always so delicious."

"...It's all storebought," Mami mournfully admitted, turning away in shame. "I really _can_ cook...it's just that...I never have time..."

"We can make time together," Madoka said softly.

Mami lifted her face to Madoka. "Can we make Valentine's Day chocolates together, too? I've always wanted to make Valentine's Day chocolates with somebody!"

"Ehehehe, s-sure," Madoka sweatdropped, thinking that this was indeed a different side of Mami she wasn't used to seeing.

"But then, who would we give them to?" Mami wondered aloud. "It's not like there's any boys in our lives right now...and with us being magical girls and all..."

"Maybe we can worry about that later..."

"Me! Me! Give them to me!" Kyuubey piped up.

Mami blinked. "Wha—⁈ Were you listening this whole time⁉"

"Yeah. It _is_ telepathy, you know!"

"Well, butt out! This is _my_ moment! And _no_ you're not getting any chocolates!"

"Yeah!" Sayaka said, joining in. Besides, _I'm_ the man here, so I should be the one to get the chocolates! Right, Madoka?"

"Etto..." smiled Madoka uncertainly. In truth, she would have gladly given Sayaka chocolates out of friendship. But out of manliness...Madoka wasn't sure how she felt about that.

"Wha? No choco for me?" said Sayaka.

"But you like penises, Miki-san. Does that make you gay?"

There was a pause on the other end. "Wah! The witch is hatching!" Sayaka finally cried.

Mami broadened her smirk. "Nice try, but you can't change the subject that eas—oh."

Hand in hand Mami and Madoka rushed to meet up with Sayaka and Kyuubey, Mami now feeling light and free. She had a partner. An ally. She was no longer alone. Jumping into the sugary arena, Mami flared her skirt wide open as she soared, producing an arsenal of rifles without flashing a single pantyshot. In moments she had dispatched all of Charlotte's low-level grunts with style and ease. Hot damn, she's delicious.

When suddenly, the toy prize inside of the box of snacks rustled and jostled, then burst forth — Charlotte.

"I'm onwy thwee an' a ha'f yea's old!" Charlotte squeaked in an irritating voice.

"Aw fuck, it talks," Sayaka frowned.

"Not for long," Mami smirked as she pegged Charlotte dead between the eyes with her first shot. Charlotte flew. Mami blasted her again, mid-air. Charlotte began flipping about crazily through the air as Mami kept her airborne, shot after perfect shot. Madoka and Sayaka applauded.

Meanwhile, somewhere in the afterlife, Lee Van Cleef sat watching Mami's display of marksmanship on an old black-and-white TV, wearing a knowing, old-fart smile. "Heh...I remember doing somethin' like that in a movie once," he chuckled to himself.

However...

Madoka, Sayaka, and Lee Van Cleef were soon overcome with shock and disbelief as they watched Mami's seemingly easy victory go terribly wrong. Actually, Lee Van Cleef just changed the channel to see what else was on while Madoka and Sayaka stared in horror as Charlotte Lv.32 unexpectedly sprung out and bit Mami's left arm clean off. Mami's blood spurted out from where her arm had been. Mami herself seemed more surprised than in pain.

Charlotte's now heavier voice boomed throughout her pastried lair. "Now stand aside, worth adversary!"

"'Tis but a scratch," Mami said, smirking coolly as ever.

"A scratch! Your arm's off!" Charlotte boomed.

"No it isn't."

Charlotte hocked up Mami's arm and spat its bloody remains onto the buttercream.

"Well what's that, then?"

Mami gave it a cursory once-over.

"I've had worse."

"You lie!"

"Come on, ya pansy!" Mami sneered, taking up a rifle in her remaining arm.

Stupefied, Madoka and Sayaka watched a one-armed Mami continue blasting away at Charlotte, Charlotte ducking and swerving about. Yet only seconds later — you guessed it — Mami's other arm was gone.

"Victory is mine!"

Without even waiting for Charlotte to bow her head and offer a prayer to whatever gods witches worshipped, however, Mami flew at Charlotte in a soaring magical girl leap and roundhoused her right on her red poofy nose.

"Ha! Come on, then!"

"What?"

"Have at you!" Mami cried, shoving her heel in Charlotte's face.

"Look, you stupid bitch, you've got no arms left!"

Mami took it upon herself to demonstrate her badassery by ad-libbing; planting herself on her butt on an upraised gumdrop, she peppered Charlotte with more rifle blasts using only her legs to aim. It only made Charlotte all the more pissed off.

"Right!"

Charlotte shot out a blue tongue like a tentacle straight at Mami's labia. It shoved Mami off her gumdrop and into the air as it planted its sticky self on the underside of her panties. Mami yelped. So did the two girls below. Lee Van Cleef picked his hairy nose as he settled on old reruns of Bonanza. Then Charlotte thrust her tongue violently into Mami's vagina and, gripping her uterus from the inside, ripped out her entire reproductive system.

Mami crashed down onto the buttercream in a bloody splat. Yet still, she slowly managed to get back up onto her feet, though now she was clearly in severe pain. Blood gushed from between her legs, running thick and red all over her stockings and spilling out onto the sugar-coated floor. Madoka turned to one side and vomited.

"I can't believe I'm watching this happen!" Sayaka shivered, horrified.

"I know...they're totally straying from the original," said Kyuubey regretfully.

"R-Right, I...I'll...do you for that..." Mami panted, struggling to recite her line, her legs shaking terribly.

"You'll wot?"

Charlotte immediately snapped off both of Mami's legs before uttering a badly-delivered "What're you gonna do, bleed on me?" full of giggles.

"Okayyy...I'm reeeeeally hurting nowww!" Mami the torso sobbed pitifully, abandoning all pretense and crying tears of terrible pain.

"No, no Mami!" Kyuubey called, hopping about impatiently. "You're supposed to say, 'All right, we'll call it a draw!'"

Just then, Homura flew onto the stage, alighting on an outcropping of peppermints. Clad only in enough frosting and cookies to cover what a bikini would, she looked...goofy. Summoning her magic, her steady eyes gazed calmly at the scene of the witch gloating over the dying, pitiable Mami.

"Looks like she could use a little Morning Rescue," Homura said evenly, casting forth her spell.

"MORNING RESCUE!" a chorus of orange-jumpsuited guys sang as they magically appeared, rappelling down from the frosted ceiling. Energetically they whipped out numerous bottles of their stock-in-trade and hurled them at Charlotte, who eagerly snapped them up, needing something to wash down the Mami she'd just had.

"Oh by the way, they're explosive," Homura deadpanned.

And so it was that Charlotte went _blammo_ in many explosions of orangey artificial flavors and preservatives. But amidst all the chaos, one Morning Rescue guy had tromped up to Mami and, happily unscrewing the cap, chugged boom juice down Mami's esophagus.

"NO!" Homura cried.

Too late. Grinning goofily, the Morning Rescue guy dove for cover behind a giant snickerdoodle as Mami exploded in a fountain of blood.

"MAMI-SAAAN!" Sayaka screamed. Both her and Madoka's face had been thoroughly spattered with Mami's blood. Madoka's body couldn't decide if it wanted to pass out or vomit some more, so it just did both half-assed. Madoka fell shuddering to her knees, the gurgling noises coming from her throat making her sound like a dog coughing up Alpo.

Kyuubey, however, peered out from behind a Kyuubey-sized Hello Kitty umbrella, having spared his pelt from bloodstain. "Phew...ya just never know when Sanrio shit will come in handy, eh?" he giggled to himself, trying to shake it clean.

"You dumbass‼" Homura yelled as the Morning Rescue guy came back out. "Why did you explode her⁉"

"Eh? Wasn't she a monster?" the Morning Rescue guy said, scratching his head. "She was like all gory an' stuff..."

Homura angrily flung an exploding bottle of her own straight at the guy. "Hoog!" the Morning Rescue guy said as he blew apart.

With Charlotte vanquished, the maze evaporated. Madoka and Sayaka were in utter shock. Mami was gone. Dead. Torn to pieces right before their eyes by a witch, and then finished off by an orange-jumpsuited retard straight out of a bad Japanese commercial. And five minutes ago, she had seemed so strong, so powerful. Someone worthy of their respect, whom they had looked up to. Five minutes ago they had been talking with her, sharing in the witch hunt together, thinking about how she had seemed so cool and so pretty that one day they just might have turned gay for her, and make wonderful love to her, grinding their sweet vulvas together with sheer joy and abandon, and letting their voices loose with ecstasy, just the three of them, all alone and naked in Mami's apartment. Okay, so they didn't think that last part.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Madoka and Sayaka stayed with each other for a long time after they had tearfully departed the scene. Eventually, however, they had to go their separate ways, having their own homes...their own beds...their own pillows that they would probably spend most of the night crying into.

So, Sayaka walked alone, slowly, in the midst of the late night, utterly numb. Passing by a familiar convenience store, she knew she was almost home. Blankly, she stopped, then walked inside without really knowing why. The scene of the familiar and commonplace amongst the aisles of the shop struck her as odd and distant in her current state. Her spirit felt splintered to bits. Nothing seemed normal anymore.

An orange glow then caught her eye. Glancing to it, she saw a shelf full of Morning Rescue sitting idly in a refrigerated rack behind a glass door, waiting to be bought.

Morning Rescue. The thing that had killed Mami, in the very end. The thing that she herself had been drinking just last night.

"Never again..."

Sayaka stared at the shelf as all the anger and sorrow of that last moment welled up within her eyes again, and the muscles in her arms and legs began tensing. That last moment when Mami...

"NEVER AGAIN‼"

Flying at the Morning Rescue, she ripped open the door and tore into the neat display of bottles, hurling them, bashing them, stomping them, splattering their happy contents everywhere as she raged and screamed, taking it all out on this product that could only serve to remind her of Mami's death now.

The store clerk soon hustled over and tried to stop Sayaka, but upon seeing him approach, Sayaka splashed a bottle into his face and fled the store before he could catch her. She then sped on home, sobbing uncontrollably as she ran.

One lone customer and the store clerk gazed at each other in the wake of Sayaka's outburst.

"What the shit was all that about?" the customer drawled slowly.

"Hell if I know," the dripping clerk said. "Yeah, I think that commercial's stupid too, but...damn."

— Ep 03 End —

* * *

><p>p.s.<p>

if you know who Lee van Cleef is, congratulations.

if you also know the movie reference, i'll buy you a bottle of Morning Rescue. seriously. but no cheating with google or the internets.


	4. Ep 04

a/n:

i got banned from 4chan while trying to post the "check 'em" in this ep over and over before i realized why it kept refusing my posts. it was frustrating yet amusing. here, at least, you can read the "check 'em" that was originally intended in homura's dialogue. that fun fact is probably about as exciting as eating a raisin. by the way, fuck the doubles guy.

* * *

><p>— Ep 04 —<p>

Madoka stared at her egg yolk. Golden. Round. Plump. Like the color and the breastises of a brave girl she had come to think of as a friend.

"Uwaaaaaa!" she wailed, bursting into tears at the breakfast table. "I can't eat Mami-saaaan!"

"Eh? Mami-san?" said her perplexed Papa.

"Not this shit again," grumbled her Mama. "Seriously! How old were you the last time you refused to eat because you NAMED your food⁉ Five?⁉"

That gave Tatsuya an idea. "I name dis cawwot 'Nee-chan'," he declared, taking the vegetable from his plate and holding it aloft. He then bit off one of the ends and grinned. "Om nom nom. I ate da head."

"UWAAAAAAAAA!" Madoka sobbed, sprinting from the table.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

At school that morning, however, Madoka fared no better. In the hallway, while Sayaka and Hitomi walked on ahead, Madoka stood sorrowfully before a digital picture frame, which had just shifted from a beautiful cityscape to a lovely close-up of a single golden yellow buttercup of five petals. Its color and shape sank through her eyes and into her heart. More tears ran down her face as she valiantly tried to stifle her sobs...tried to keep herself under control.

Yeah, like that's gonna happen.

"Uwaaaaaaah!"

Sayaka turned and, seeing the crying Madoka left behind, went to her and led her away by the hand to their homeroom. There — have a bit of d'awww. Hitomi was just a twinge jealous of their hand-holding, by the way.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

As Madoka sat drying her tears before class, she began hearing a buzz about some new Vocaloid wallpaper that some of the other girls in her class were passing around for their laptops. She didn't really know the girls very well, although they seemed eager to share it with as many other girls in the class as were willing. So Madoka was a bit pleasantly surprised when one of them called out to her:

"Hey, class health rep! You want a copy of this Vocaloid wallpaper too? It's reeeeeeally cute!"

Madoka figured it must be, from all the squeals of 'Kawaiiiiii!' that had reached her ears. "...Sure," she nodded quietly.

_Maybe a cute Miku pic will cheer me up a little,_ she thought childishly as she awaited to receive the email. When it arrived, she opened the attachment with a touch of hopeful anticipation.

But as the clever reader may have guessed, it wasn't Miku who stared back at her from her laptop screen. It was Kagamine Rin and Len. The wallpaper's stupefying cuteness bypassed Madoka completely as the golden yellows of its Kagamine-inspired color scheme flooded her eyes and heart.

"Uwaaaaaaah!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Later, in the girls' restroom, Madoka pulled her panties back on and zipped her skirt up, having just taken a pee. She turned about to flush the toilet. Her eyes wandered down to the bowl as she leaned over.

Golden yellow.

"Uwaaaaaaah!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Walking down a hallway to her next class, Madoka was passing by a repairman who was working on replacing a cracked panel of glass on one of the classrooms. The repairman was bent over as he busily plied his trade. Madoka's attention was caught by the repairman's toolbelt. He wore twin drills fastened on either side of his hips. Both yellow.

"Uwaaaaaaah!"

Madoka's shoes clacked rapidly down the hall as she ran away bawling. The startled repairman straightened up and adjusted his pants. "Whup! Was mah buttcrack showin'?" he wondered.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

During a break between classes, Madoka sat with her head down on her desk. Meanwhile, a girl behind her had taken the opportunity to break out her CD player and listen to some Coldplay. Already knowing the English lyrics by heart, the girl softly sang along:

_Look at the stars_  
><em>Look how they shine for you<em>  
><em>And everything you do<em>  
><em>Yeah they were all yellow<em>

Madoka wasn't the best at English but she knew enough to get the gist, and she was familiar with the song. Which meant that in the next two seconds—

"Uwaaaaaaah!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

So by lunchtime, as Madoka and Sayaka sat together in depressed silence on the rooftop, Sayaka noticed that Madoka had mysteriously acquired a pair of purple-tinted toy glasses. Oversized.

"What's with the glasses?" Sayaka finally asked softly.

"It's so my eyes won't see a certain color."

"Oh. I see."

Sayaka understood what she meant. More silence passed between the two, until Sayaka broke it again.

"I mean...I'd like to say this in the nicest possible way, 'cause you've been crying all morning and stuff...but you kinda look like a dork."

"Mm."

And that was a 'Mm' of, 'I know I look like a dork and I don't care right now' if Sayaka ever heard one. So she let it drop.

"So how 'bout those contracts, then? You girls ready to sign up?" Kyuubey said lightly, perfectly at ease and playing an eroge featuring magical girls on a PSP.

Sayaka glowered at him. "Is that all you ever think about? Don't you care that Mami-san died?"

"Who?"

Madoka squeaked with disbelief. More waterworks poured from her eyes.

Sayaka, however, took manly action. She lunged and grabbed Kyuubey by his scrawny throat, squeezing with all her strength.

"Gluhgkt! I'm kidding, I'm kidding!" Kyuubey rasped and choked. "Of course I care! Mami had — GAAASP — Mami had the biggest boobs of any magical girl I ever—gwlgkhth!"

Sayaka strained to choke him even harder if possible. Her arm shook from the effort.

"Sayaka-chan! Don't! Let him go!" Madoka pleaded, her voice quivering.

Sayaka threw him down on the rooftop's hard surface. Kyuubey actually bounced.

Madoka facepalmed. "I didn't mean like that," she sobbed.

Sayaka towered over the spinny-eyed Kyuubey, glaring angrily. "Listen, you. You've never told us anything about why all of this has to happen in the first place. Why are you trying to recruit us? Why do girls like us have to fight witches while you sit around with that stupid smile on your face? You have more power than us. You can grant wishes. I saw Aladdin, dammit. Phenomenal Cosmic Power and all that shit. So why don't you take care of the witches your own damn self? I'll bet this whole thing is somehow your fault anyway. That's the way it always is in these magical girl scenarios!"

"Wha-whatever do you mean?" dizzy Kyuubey said, trying to sound innocent.

"Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha!" Sayaka declared. "If Yuuno had never found the Jewel Seeds, Nanoha would never have been dragged into it!"

"But the ship had an accident..."

"He still took the blame!" Sayaka then moved on to Exhibit B. "Cardcaptor Sakura!"

"Hey waitaminnit," Kyuubey slurred, "Sakura released the cards in that one—"

"Only 'cause Kero was sleeping on the job!"

Sayaka put her foot on Kyuubey's stomach. Kyuubey said "Bleght!"

"Sayaka-chan—!"

"So what's your role in this, then? What do you have to gain from making girls do your dirty work? Or did I just answer my own question?"

"B-but don't forget about the wish!" Kyuubey stammered, trying to sound upbeat. "If you make a contract, I can reeeeally make it worth your while!"

"I can think of something else that'd be really worth my while," Sayaka said darkly.

Ten seconds later, Kyuubey found himself tied up in a ball, his flappy ears neatly knotted over his butthole, the PSP with a naked, transforming magical girl moaning for more stuffed into his mouth. Sayaka, meanwhile, led the teary-eyed Madoka off the rooftop and back to class.

Kyuubey sighed. "Fuck this shit, I'm outta here, then," he mumbled through a mouthful of Sony as he rolled himself away.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Madoka decided to stop by Mami's place after school. She had the notebook with her costume sketches in her bag; she thought perhaps she would symbolically leave it behind on the table where she had first heard of witches, wishes, magical girls and all the rest, and then have herself a good, dramatic cry at her own weakness.

She was surprised, therefore, to find Homura already inside, with all of Mami's teapots, teacups and saucers gathered in her arms as she was preparing to leave.

"Ho-Homura-chan...what are you—?"

Homura looked off to one side. "Well, it's not like she's going to need these anymore, and I could sure use some better tea sets at my place, so I figured, you know..."

Madoka's shocked face slowly hardened into anger. She strode toward Homura, raising her hand for a strike.

"W-wait, don't! You'll make me drop—!"

Slap. Hard right across the cheekbone. All of Mami's teapots, teacups and saucers subsequently went crash.

All was still for a few moments. Except for the salaryman upstairs who was busy raping his dakimakura after a hard day at the office.

"Thanks, Kaname Madoka!" Homura spat with bitter sarcasm. "I'm sure Tomoe Mami is real happy about all her tea sets being broken now!"

"Like she'd be happy about you STEALING them⁈" Madoka flared.

"Such is the code of the Puella Magi," Homura said coldly. "You die in battle, your property goes up for grabs if you don't have immediate family to claim it. If I were to die tomorrow, all my stuff would be gone the day after, snapped up by other magical girls. Tomoe Mami herself probably claimed those tea sets from another girl who ran this territory before her."

"Bullshit!" shouted Madoka, surprising herself with her linguistic venom. Even Homura seemed taken aback. A lengthy pause stretched between the two.

"...Okay, you're right, it's bullshit," Homura mumbled finally. "I just wanted her tea sets."

Slap. Hard left across the cheekbone.

"Would you quit that⁉" Homura chafed. "The other one still stings!"

"I can't believe you," Madoka said, her voice breaking again. "I can't believe that you'd..." She trailed off into tearful sobs.

"Really. And why did _you_ come here, then? Maybe you wanted a memento of Tomoe Mami for yourself?"

"No! I came here to—"

She broke off. No way was she going to tell Homura about the sketches in her notebook.

"Came here to what?"

"Nothing! I just wanted to come here!"

"You were going to say something. Spit it out."

Madoka mustered herself. "I don't have to tell you!"

Homura regarded Madoka coolly.

"Okay. Then take off your panties."

"What⁉"

"Take off your panties. I want to check 'em for a sec."

"No!" Madoka backed away.

Homura sighed. "You're going to make me do this the hard way, aren't you?"

Pulling out her Soul Gem, Homura called forth her magic. Madoka suddenly saw a brilliant glow erupt from within her skirt and immediately felt her panties being tugged off of her. She squealed and clamped her hands down on them, trying to keep herself from being stripped. Homura merely thrust another spell at her, brushing her hands aside and knocking her off her feet. Madoka's panties came clean off and flew into Homura's hand as Madoka landed on her butt.

"Waa-a-a-a-a-aah!" Madoka flustered, flushing red and throwing her hands down over her skirt. She felt certain that during the fall her labia had flashed themselves before Homura's eyes. She was right.

But Homura paid it no mind. Instead she touched and inspected the crotch of Madoka's panties closely, and finally...sniffed them.

Madoka shuddered in revulsion. She got to her feet and shot forward, snatching her unmentionables out of Homura's hands.

"I thought perhaps you might have been wet for Tomoe Mami," Homura said evenly, "and that you came to rub yourself on her bedpost one last time or something."

Not really. Homura was just enjoying tormenting Madoka.

"Pervert! You PERVERT!" Madoka cried, hastily rushing to Mami's bathroom to put her panties back on in privacy.

"And wash your vag once in a while," Homura called after her. "It stinks."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Having escaped from Homura and the apartment without further humiliation, Madoka soon bumped into a witch-kissed Hitomi and found herself caught up in a current of suicide zombies. Ominously they shuffled forward through the darkness, whispering murmurs of despair and death. Madoka felt awful inside at hearing their words.

"I'm worthless...I'm better off dead..." mumbled one young woman.

"I can't ever do anything right..." moaned a middle-aged man.

Reaching the door of a desolate warehouse, the man grasped the knob and pulled.

Locked.

He tried again and again, tugging, wrenching, yanking on the knob, and pounding on the door. Finally, he collapsed in sobs.

"I can't even open a door right! I'm of no use to this world!" he wailed.

Madoka felt so bad for him, listening to his heartwrenching sobs. Her girly heart instinctively wanted to do something to help.

"Um...l-let me try," she said, stepping forward amidst the zombies. "Maybe I can pick the lock."

Hitomi blinked. "...You can pick locks⁇"

Madoka blushed. "Um, well...my little brother sometimes locks himself in the bathroom on accident, and he doesn't know how to undo the lock. And when my papa is out getting groceries and my mama is wast—when my mama's unavailable, I have to pick the lock to get him out." She rummaged through her bag as she explained, digging out some handy hair accessories that doubled as lockpicking tools.

Hitomi and the zombies watched her patiently as she tried various techniques, until at last, she felt a thrill of delight as the knob turned in her hand and the door came open.

They all applauded her as she bashfully held the door open for them. Madoka felt her heart warmed that little old her was able to be of service to suicide zombies in need. Ominously they resumed shuffling forward through the darkness, whispering murmurs of despair and death. Just as Hitomi brought up the rear — and it was a nice rear — Madoka finally caught herself.

"Wah! What did I just do⁉"

Dashing inside after Hitomi, Madoka caught a glimpse of the bottles being poured together into a bucket. The words her mother had once said sprung to her mind in a spiffy flashback:

» » »

"Madoka. Always remember. If you ever want to commit suicide, just mix these two common household chemicals together. It'll make a gas that'll kill you in just a few easy minutes."

Madoka's face paled. "E-EH⁇ But that's terrible! I-I-I'd never wanna do that!"

Her mother grinned at her thoughtfully. "Must be nice to be so young and pure, eh?"

« « «

_Pure, nothing, Mama! I've played with your toys without you knowing,_ thought Madoka, recalling afternoons of shy experimentation with battery-powered accessories she'd snuck from her mother's underwear drawer after school. ..._Though, well, I didn't stick them all the way in..._

And so the girl who was brave enough to play with toys that had been inside her own mother's vagina bravely rushed forward into the crowd:

"No! You can't! It's dangerous!"

Grabbing the bucket out of their midst, she dashed away. Zombies suddenly gave chase.

_I've got to get rid of this!_ she thought desperately as she ran. _I've got to—gbloohf—_

Madoka hit the floor, having caught a whiff of concentrated hydrogen sulfide and passing out instantly. Sorry, Madoka. You are not a winner. Thanks for playing.

The bucket's contents spilled everywhere and the gas quickly dispersed, becoming scarcely more than a nauseating smell of rotten eggs. Protip: use small cars instead of huge, spacious warehouses. Grunting zombies homed in on Madoka as she lay face down. Soon they had her limp body within their grasp. After making some more threatening grunts, they suddenly became still.

"...Now what do we do?" said one man.

"Uhhh..." said another.

Before long they had laid out Madoka in their midst, as they sat gathered about her like a council in deliberation.

"I mean, usually the menacing horde doesn't catch the protagonist. I'm kinda feeling at a loss here," said the man.

Hitomi piped up. "I know! Let's rape her!" She grabbed Madoka by the uniform and ripped it open, revealing Madoka's bra-clad breasts.

The others groaned. "Naaaah," they all said.

"Let's shoot 'er up with heroin and turn her into a junkie!" another grinned, pulling out a syringe and some smack.

More groans went round. "Naaaah."

"Let's hack her to pieces and cook her in a pot of nabe!" said one art student wearing her hair up in twin hair buns, who had an assload of axes and chainsaws gathered in her arms. Courtesy of the warehouse's stash of hardware.

"Naaaaah."

"Let's call for medical help and stay with her until the medics arrive to make sure she's okay," another suggested.

"You sick bastard," someone retorted.

"I say we dye 'er hair black like a proper Japanese citizen and send 'er on home!" one cranky old fart grumbled. "Damn kids these days, colorin' their hair all kinds o' crazy colors..."

"But that's the color her hair's always been," Hitomi said.

"They ain't no way that's her natural hair color!" the old fart boomed. "Watch!"

Grabbing the front of Madoka's skirt and panties, the old fart yanked them down. Pink pubes greeted him from about Madoka's delicious yet stinky cunt.

"OH MY GAH‼"

"Guys, guys! We're gettin' sidetracked here!" someone else commented. "Didn't we all come here to catch the bus to a better, more wonderful world?" General murmurs and nods of agreement soon followed from the rest of the group.

"But we're outta killjuice now," a woman said. "How we gonna do it?"

"Plan B, motherfucker," the art student smiled happily as she held out axes and chainsaws for all.

And so like a pack of berserkers the suicide zombies hacked and sliced away at each other until only one victor remained standing — Hitomi.

"A winner is meee!" she cried girlishly, holding her chainsaw aloft as blood streamed from multiple wounds on her body. Throwing aside the saw, she rubbed her bloodied hands together, eyeing Madoka eagerly.

"And now...it's time for rape! I'll kill myself later!"

Forty-three seconds later, however, Hitomi suddenly felt the witch's influence dissipate. The kiss disappeared from her neck and she came to her senses, becoming herself again. Except that she had her mouth full of Madoka's bare breast while three of her fingers strained against Madoka's hymen.

Magical Girl Sayaka then strode in from a side door. "Phew, not bad for my first time, I guess. That was pretty easy!" she said cheerily to herself.

She caught sight of Hitomi and Madoka.

"あ!"

"Oopf. Thifs ihs awkfward," said Hitomi, right before falling off Madoka and passing out.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Over in the hospital, Kamijou stared disbelievingly at his left hand. He could move his fingers now. His hand felt strong again. Whole. Healed.

"No way..." he breathed.

He also stared disbelievingly at the girly scrawl that had mysteriously appeared on the palm of his hand. 'Happy playing!' it read. Part of Sayaka's wish.

Turning his hand over, he found another message in smaller writing on the back. '(And happy fapping, too~❤ )'

"Eh? I don't fap with my left," he said, puzzled.

Ah, well. At least Sayaka's heart was in the right place. Kamijou licked the back of his hand and rubbed at the message with his fingers. "I hope this comes off before the doctors check on me tomorrow..."

— Ep 04 End —


	5. Ep 05

a/n: and now, presenting the worst chapter of this thing, in my opinion. for one thing, it's too long. you can decide for yourself about the rest.

still, some parts make me laugh when i re-read them. because i'm a creepy-ass pervert.

also, a bit of redacting on the naughtier parts, just in case of ff-net content police. just use your imagination to fill in the [NICE BOAT]-style substitute phrases.

i'd like to put something on Cirno's butt and see how cold it gets.

* * *

><p>— Ep 05 —<p>

At school the next morning, Hitomi sat between Madoka and Sayaka, staring dull-eyed at her desk.

"I think I killed four people with a chainsaw last night," she muttered numbly.

Sayaka cringed and let one of those "Hii-i-i!" anime squeals spew from her throat. She hadn't expected Hitomi to remember anything, much less _that_. She and Homura had goggled at the scene of the bloodbath in the warehouse last night. Blood and body parts splattered and strewn everywhere, Hitomi and Madoka the only survivors, with Hitomi herself badly bloodied and lacerated. Madoka had appeared to be the only one unscathed, although they'd found her rather naked, her uniform, bra and panties having been ripped and torn from her body, her skirt jumbled about her waist.

Well, Sayaka had goggled at it, anyway. Homura just shrugged and thought, _Meh_.

At any rate, given Hitomi's hacked-up condition, they surmised that she must have taken active part in the carnage, even though they hadn't actually witnessed it. Witches could make people do insane things, Homura knew.

"I once saw someone who'd been kissed by a witch screaming, writhing and making all sorts of deranged dances and movements in the middle of a street," Homura had told Sayaka in the warehouse. "Right in the middle of day with hundreds of people around."

"Oh, I've seen stuff like that too," Sayaka had seconded. "That's like those crazy street performers. They're not kissed by witches, though."

Homura had then frowned. "Fuck. What the hell is our country coming to⁉"

Back in the present, Hitomi sniffed her hand. "And why do my fingers smell funny?" she wondered.

Sayaka laughed nervously. "Ahahahaha! That must've been some dream you had last night, huh?"

On the other side of Hitomi, Madoka sat in sullen silence. She knew exactly where Hitomi's fingers had been, as well as her mouth, after Sayaka had accidentally let the truth slip last night. Poor Madoka felt dirty today.

Hitomi rounded on Sayaka. "It wasn't a dream that the police arrested me and grilled me for three hours!" she whined. "I dunno what would've happened to me if I weren't from a rich family who could pull strings with the higher-ups!" She trailed off into a cutesy fit of sniffles worth about 40,000 yen apiece.

From across the room, Sayaka could feel Homura shooting her an I-Told-You-So glare. Last night, Homura had flatly stated that Hitomi should be left as she was, injuries and all. Sayaka refused, worried that Hitomi might die before help arrived. She turned a deaf ear to Homura's warning that the police would treat Hitomi as a suspect instead of a victim if she were the only one found without a scratch on her. Using hew new azure powers of spiffy, Sayaka did her best to heal up Hitomi and repair Madoka's clothes. Though it took her several fuckups before she got it right — during which, the unconscious Madoka and Hitomi had sprouted cat ears and cat tails, then transformed into seifuku-wearing bishounen, then had their chests flattened as they turned into swimsuited lolis. Meanwhile, Homura had given the frustrated Sayaka several rounds of stone-faced applause.

Sayaka folded her arms and gave Hitomi a knowing smile. "I've said it before and I'll say it again; it must be nice to be born wealthy."

"Hmph," Hitomi puffed.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Later, at Kamijou's physical therapy juke joint, Kamijou was talking with Sayaka, describing his doctor's dumbfounded reaction to finding his hand completely healed earlier that morning.

"...And that was the first time I ever heard a doctor say, 'Well, fuck my nurses and call me a harem king!'" Kamijou laughed.

"Ahahahahaha! So then, they'll be releasing you soon, right?" said Sayaka.

"Not yet. I have to do more rehab for my legs. I still can't completely walk yet."

The smile faded from Sayaka's face. "Oh. I see." Meanwhile, inside her head, she spent the next ten seconds slapping herself mentally and shouting, _Shit! I forgot about his legs!_

"They said they don't know why my hand healed all of a sudden," Kamijou went on, "and I thought, 'Duh, of course nobody knows why,' since it must be some kind of miracle, but they wanted to—"

Sayaka anxiously interrupted. "Um...h-hold on a sec! I'll be right back!" She then dashed out of Kamijou's room.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Back at the hospital rooftop, Sayaka once again faced off with Kyuubey.

"Eeehh? You wanna add an amendment to your wish?"

Sayaka brought her hands together. "Can I?"

"Hmm." Kyuubey took a thoughtful swig from a Kyuubey-sized bottle of Morning Rescue. Sayaka tried not to think of exploding Mami torsos.

"Okay, sure!" Kyuubey beamed. "But then, you'll have to spend two of your lives fighting the witches."

"What⁉ But I only have one life!"

"Not if I append to your wish. If you get killed...you'll just come back to life and have to fight more witches until you get killed again."

Sayaka looked at Kyuubey as though he were made of peanut butter. She'd thought that if she got another wish she'd have to deal with two Kyuubeys instead of one, not this. Then again, technically she was not being granted a second wish. Besides, if she came back to life after being killed, that would mean...

Sayaka clenched her fists with spritzy-eyed enthusiasm. "Hot shit! It'll be like I have an extra life!"

"So you're good with that, then?"

"DO IT, FAGGOT! As they say on American image boards."

"American? I thought you sucked at English."

"Well, I know all the dirty words at least. And some of those websites are nothing but."

Derp. Anyway, Kyuubey then flared his ears out to touch Sayaka's boobies once again, as he had done when he first brought forth her Soul Gem. Sayaka put her arms up in protest.

"Hey! Why do you have to touch me again⁉"

"So I can append your wish, duh."

"But I already have a Soul Gem! I thought you only had to touch me for that!"

"But I gotta touch your boobs again for this," he smiled innocently.

"Can't you just append my wish and, poof, make it happen?"

"It doesn't work that way. Oh, and also, you'll need to take off your top this time."

"EEEHH⁉"

"And your bra."

"WHAT THE HELL FOR⁉"

"I gotta get closer to your heart. This sort of wish operation is trickier, you know."

Sayaka worked her mental gears, and within moments had come to the conclusion that...

"You're shitting me, aren't you?"

"Aw, come on! Whatcha got to hide?" Kyuubey grinned. "I already saw you take a pee once."

"That was different! I had to go bad and you weren't touching me then!"

"Well, if you don't want your wish amended, that's fine. Poor Kamijou-kun, though...he'll have to learn to walk again the hard way...and who knows how long that will take..." Kyuubey turned to go.

"W-Waitaminnit!" Sayaka cried. Kyuubey stopped and waitedaminnit.

Sayaka took a deep breath. "All right...f-fine. I-I'll do it."

"Alrighty!" Kyuubey said happily, bounding back around.

"But put up a privacy wall around us or something, wouldja? We're in public here." Sayaka looked about her anxiously.

"You got it."

Kyuubey flared his ears. His rings glowed with brilliance as a dense wall of luminescent buttercups, daisies, hearts and other girly sparkly shit appeared all around and above them. Not to Sayaka's taste, but—

"You're sure nobody can see in?" she asked.

"Can you see out?"

Sayaka carefully checked all about her until she felt satisfied that the magical private wall was indeed private. Then she hesitantly removed her outer blazer and her bow.

_I just have to think of him like a stupid cat,_ she thought to herself. _If Madoka didn't have a problem bathing with the furball watching, then I shouldn't_—

_I can still hear you, ya know,_ Kyuubey thought back at her.

_Really. You ever cough up any hairballs, then?_ Sayaka thought, having slipped off her blouse and now working on her bra.

_No, but I have coughed up rainbows. I'm magical that way,_ Kyuubey grinned.

Sayaka decided that as nifty as that sounded, she wouldn't want to see it. She carefully laid her bra aside with the rest of her clothes and, at last, stood bare-breasted before Kyuubey.

"All right, pervert...let's go, then."

Kyuubey reached out with his ears and laid hold of Sayaka's breasts. A blue glow ignited between her body and Kyuubey's ears as she felt power flow between them. His ears were warm, and surprisingly gentle. In spite of herself, she felt a hot rush of lasciviousness from Kyuubey's caressing and kneading...which she promptly stuffed down.

_Like hell he's like a cat!_ Sayaka flared in her thoughts. _Cats don't try to turn you on!_

_Who, meee? I'm just appending your wish, ahaha!_

Kyuubey then started rolling Sayaka's nipples with the tips of his ears. Sayaka visibly stiffened.

Her body. Not her nipples. Yeah, that could've gone either way.

As Kyuubey continued playing with her breasts, alternating between caressing them and rolling her nipples, Sayaka felt the exchange beginning to drag on too long for her comfort. "H-Hurry up! Can't you do this any faster?" she stammered uneasily, her eyes shut tight.

Kyuubey smiled greasily to himself in a separate place within his mind where Sayaka couldn't hear. _Heh...I fucking love my job._

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"Sayaka-san! Look! It's another miracle!"

Kamijou was standing on his own without support, moving about on his healed legs as Sayaka watched, her heart bubbling over with joy like an overflowing toilet. They exchanged a few boring-ass sentences of happy which the writer didn't bother penning, after which, Sayaka then said:

"Come with me! Let's get some fresh air!"

One awkward elevator trip full of one-sided love later, Sayaka and Kamijou stood before a pack of grownups that stood like pins at the end of a lane. Sayaka felt a mysterious random urge to go bowling while the head pin, Kamijou's instructor, held out Kamijou's violin case to his pupil and said some heartfelt words of blah. After Kamijou got the violin case out of his eye, he took his violin within his hands, amidst "great trepidation" and shit. Sayaka took her place among the bowling pins and watched this first moment of Kamijou's return to fiddling, feeling such anticipation that she was about to pee her panties.

Kamijou played the opening notes of a piece. Everyone did a mental double-take. Though they kept the smiles pasted on their faces. Kamijou carried on for a few more measures, but he could tell something wasn't right. So could everyone else. The doctor and nurses had all heard about this kid being a violin prodigy. But listening to him playing now, he sucked donkey cocks.

Kamijou finally stopped mid-note, confused and uncertain. Sayaka lost her urge to pee. The doctor pulled Kamijou's instructor aside and spoke to him in low tones.

"I was afraid this might happen...the accident might have affected more than just his limbs. Especially when he was still in a coma."

The instructor felt this happy moment turning to barf. "You mean...his playing skills might have...?"

"Yup...gone to dogshit."

Kamijou couldn't hear their words, but Sayaka heard them. Her heart felt crushed. Crushed like ice. Then served in a paper cup with a splash of Blue Hawaii flavored syrup. Sold for 150 yen at a summer festival. Eat 50 cups without puking and you could win your very own takoyaki stand. This paragraph is now fucked. Let's all smoke tacos.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Later, at Sayaka's and Kyuubey's third date on the rooftop...

"You want to amend your wish again⁇"

"Please, Kyuubey!"

"All right...well, you know the drill." Kyuubey again summoned forth the privacy wall of luminescent buttercups, daisies, hearts and other girly sparkly shit.

"Yeah...I-I guess..." Sayaka mumbled. Soon she had herself stripped to her waist. She mentally prepared herself for much nipple-tweaking.

"Sorry, but this time, you gotta take it all off," Kyuubey said happily.

Sayaka glared. "I knew you'd say something like that! You wanna touch my privates now, right? For your information, my privates are FARTHER AWAY from my heart! So fat chance, pal!"

"Naw, I just need to wrap my ears around your whole naked body this time."

"WHAT⁉"

"I promise I won't touch your privates," Kyuubey smiled, holding up a paw scouts-honor-style.

Have you ever had the feeling that your innocence was slowly being torn away from you piece by piece?

Sayaka hesitated. "J...Just do it on top of my clothes! Here! I'll even take my shoes and socks off, too!" Sayaka kicked her shoes and began shucking stocking.

"Wellll, I could do that, but then the clothes you still have on might disintegrate from the heavier power influx. How'd you like walking home without a skirt or underwear?"

Sayaka thought.

And thought.

And thought.

And finally...lamented the fact that she had hoped Kamijou would have been the first to see her fully nude after puberty.

_But...if he could play beautifully again..._

Giving herself no more time for doubt or second-guessing, she unzipped her skirt and doffed her bottoms, baring her whole self to Kyuubey.

"Oho. So that _is_ your natural hair color."

Sayaka averted her red face. "Just shut up and do it already."

Kyuubey flared out his ears. They grew in breadth and length until they were easily large enough to envelop her body. Sayaka then felt herself wrapped snugly like a burrito. A soft, calming blue glow emanated from the surface of her skin and Kyuubey's ears. It actually felt warm and cozy...at first. Until Kyuubey's ears began rippling and undulating all over her body, that is. Sayaka felt as though hands were busily rubbing, caressing, and molesting her up and down her whole virgin being. Once again she squeezed her eyes shut in utmost discomfort.

"This f-feels so creepy!" her voice jittered. "Hurry it up!"

_I FUCKing love my job,_ Kyuubey grinned in his separate place.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"It's another miracle..." Kamijou's instructor breathed as he, Sayaka and the doctor and nurses listened to Kamijou's beautiful musicianship, all gathered together again up on the rooftop. Meanwhile, two of the nurses secretly coughed up cash after losing the bet that the kid would never recover his fiddler's finesse. Better luck next patient.

Sayaka was overjoyed. Everything was now as it should be. She felt so happy that she decided right then she would make her peace with Morning Rescue after she left the hospital that day.

Kamijou carefully laid his violin back into its case. His body healed and his skills recovered, the time was ripe for him to make a heartfelt speech full of lameass. He opened his mouth to speak.

"I—"

When suddenly, a handy gust of violent wind blustered over the rooftop, saving everyone from having to listen to Kamijou talk about himself. Everyone was thrown off balance as the wind whipped about their bodies, although Sayaka's magic skirt refused to flash her panties in the gale, in spite of its shortness. The violin case, still open, was caught in the wind like a sail and flew out of Kamijou's hands. Moments later, it smashed itself against the wrought iron fence surrounding the rooftop, violin-first. Toothpicks. And somewhere in Los Angeles, the Loser's Theme from The Price Is Right played on a tuba and a set of brass.

"No...!"

The gust having passed, Kamijou gathered up the splinters of his beloved instrument. 'Twas a very personal thing to him, as instruments can be to some musicians. He sobbed. An unmanly tear was shed.

"This is quite a blow..." his instructor said, the words sounding eerily like what he'd said to a hooker two nights ago.

"But, surely there are other violins?" said the doctor.

"Oh yes, there are always other violins...but there will never be another like this one. This will take some time for him to recover from. For now...let's just leave him be."

Sayaka herself didn't wholly understand. A violin was a violin, right? Yet still, Kamijou looked heartbroken. For a brief moment she wished that she were the violin, her broken and dying body being cradled in Kamijou's arms as Kamijou wept over her. Then she realized that having her body broken would probably fucking hurt, so she dropped the fantasy and turned her thoughts a different direction.

_I want Kyousuke to be happy..._

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"This better be necessary‼ THIS BETTER BE FUCKING NECESSARY‼"

Sayaka lay shuddering and naked on the rooftop in the midst of the garden of circles, wrapped in thick tentacles stretching out from the tips of Kyuubey's ears. Kyuubey fondled her body in his slithering grasp — especially her breasts, vagina and butthole.

_It's just like my ol' pappy Kyaapey said..._ Kyuubey thought privately. _Any day you get to feel up a teenage girl is a good day...and any day you get to feel up a NAKED teenage girl is a DAMN good day._

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"You had it fixed⁇ But...how⁇ It was smashed to bits!"

Kamijou and Sayaka were back at the rooftop, though alone this time. Kamijou was agog, staring at the restored violin in Sayaka's hands. Not a blemish on it. Like an unsoiled pair of cottony whites before Madoka put them on for the first time.

"Wellll, I know this guy who runs a violin repair shop..." Sayaka said vaguely.

Sayaka held out the violin to him, making sure that her fingers accidentally brushed his as he took it from her. Her vulva twitched pleasantly.

"It's like a miracle..." Kamijou breathed, turning it over in his hands. He then gave Sayaka a significant look. "This must have cost a fortune to have done."

"Eh? N-No—"

"Please! This is too great a gift for me to accept freely. Please let me repay you!"

"No, I-I-I-I didn't pay anything for it either, ahahaha!"

"What⁇ Don't tell me you let the guy screw you for it!"

"Uwa-a-a-a-ah! N-N-No, no! Nothing like that! It's just..."

Sayaka reached out and gently pushed the violin to Kamijou's chest, once again wishing that she and the fiddle could switch places.

"...Please take it," she said. "It would be enough for me just to see you enjoy your playing again."

Sayaka felt embarrassed from having said even that much. Kamijou felt touched. He didn't know what to say. But in the end, seeing her earnestness, he decided to accept.

You know what this smarmy little scene is missing? [CHESTNUTS].

Meanwhile at the Kaname household, Madoka was lying in bed on her stomach, still in her school uniform, rapidly [ROASTING] away at her engorged [CHESTNUT]. She'd come home from school incredibly horny, the victim of an unexpected rush of teenage hormones. "I'm such a perverted girl...my whole family is here at home and I'm doing this in my room..." she thought mournfully, tensing and relaxing her body as she approached [CARE-A-LOT].

"Madoka! Dinner's ready!" her Papa called from downstairs.

"Okaaay! I'll be down in a minute!" she called back, [SALTING] and [SEASONING] on her [CHESTNUT] now.

There. Much better.

"Hey! Did you know they're releasing me today?" Kamijou brightened, changing the subject.

"What? Really?"

Yeah, really. As if Kamijou would say that just for kicks. Kicks are for trids, by the way. Kamijou and Sayaka exchanged some celebratory wahoo before Kamijou then said:

"And come look! I want to show you something I haven't done in months!"

Leading her to the stairwell door on the roof, Kamijou threw —

Whaat? Didn't see a stairwell door in the anime? Animation studio oversight because of artsy-fartsy; every major building needs one for them maintenance boys. Besides, you can probably tell where this is going. Let us proceed.

— Kamijou threw it open and stepped inside, Sayaka following.

"Watch this!"

Boldly Kamijou employed his healthy legs to negotiate the stairs with quick, snappy steps. Too bad, however, that he failed to notice them maintenance boys had just mopped the flight. Then again, they'd also neglected to put up a 'Caution - Slick-Ass Floor, Stupid' sign, figuring, "Sheeyit, ain't nobody clime these stairs up here, ennyhow."

"WAAAAUGH!"

"KYOUSUKE!"

Sayaka saw Kamijou's back hit stair. She scrambled down the stairs, reaching for him, only to find that she slid and nearly fell herself. Gripping the railing in both arms, she watched helplessly as Kamijou crashed and tumbled down the flight, bounced off the stairwell wall and crashed and tumbled down another flight...then another, then another. Kamijou made lots of "Oogh!", "Guh!" and "Arrgh!" noises as all the bones in his body broke.

"KYOUSUKEEEEE!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"Fell down all 169 flights of stairs? It's a miracle that the boy's even alive," the doctor marveled later in the ICU. Kamijou was in critical condition. Sayaka waited outside in the visitor's area, crying many sad tears.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"Again?" Kyuubey said, back at the rooftop.

"Again..." Sayaka replied weakly.

Luminescent buttercups, daisies, hearts and other girly sparkly shit appeared all around them. Sayaka began taking off her clothes.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"I tell you...that boy is surrounded by miracles," the doctor remarked the next day to his staff. "From coma with massive internal bleeding to completely healed and walking about — in one day. God Himself must be watching out over him."

_Coool, now they're comparing me to God!_ Kyuubey beamed, perched invisibly on Sayaka's shoulder.

_There's no god I know of that would do the kinds of things to young girls that you do to me!_ Sayaka spat back in her thoughts.

_Heh. Not familiar with too many religious cults, are ya?_

Released later that evening, Kamijou took his first steps of freedom from the hospital, Sayaka accompanying. They decided to take a short walk together to savor the moment before Kamijou was to head home. Sayaka was absolutely giddy. This sort of closeness...walking and talking together with Kamijou in the pleasant cool of the early evening...surely this would not fail to bring them closer together...

"Hey, Kyousuke! How about we head over to that park?" Sayaka pointed across a busy street. You know where this is going.

"I don't know...I think it's about time for us to head back..."

Sayaka boldly took hold of his hand, flying high and unafraid. "C'mon, just for a little bit! It's such a nice evening, you know?"

Happily she flitted down the crosswalk, seeing that the walk signal had just turned green — and not seeing the very large truck trying to run the red light.

"SAYAKA-SAN!"

HONNNNK.

Kamijou charged. Sayaka felt a hard shove to her back. She smacked pavement. The truck smacked Kamijou.

And he didn't even like her all that much. Whatta guy.

"KYOUSUKEEEEE!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"Open wiiiide!" Kyuubey said happily, his ear-tentacles stretching forth, ready to penetrate.

Sayaka spread her legs and butt open before Kyuubey in the garden of circles. She told herself that she wasn't going to cry.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Meanwhile, one deserted observatory deck away, Kyouko gleefully peeped on Kyuubey's and Sayaka's magifucking over a fattening snack of four whole fried chickens and a Coke. Kyuubey's privacy wall was no match for her candy-goggles. With shorts and panties pulled down and [MORNING DEW ON AN OPEN FLOWER], she declared, "Goddamn! I need a third hand!" as she juggled between fapping, stuffing her face and keeping her binocs steady.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

And so the tragic life of the hapless Kamijou went. Several dozen disasters and corrective wish amendments later, Sayaka sat sullenly beside Madoka on a grassy knoll by the river, many windmills slowly churning in the background.

"Madoka...I'm not a virgin anymore." Her voice sounded used and empty.

"Eeehh⁉" Madoka squeaked. "B-But...how...? When...?"

"Or does it count if you do it with animals?" she added, almost to herself.

"...HUH⁇⁉"

Madoka involuntarily found herself edging away.

Finally catching on that she was creeping Madoka out, Sayaka turned and put on a happy face. "Um! Ahahahahahaha! I'm joking, just joking! That was just...like some crazy dream I had, you know?"

"You mean like Hitomi's 'dream'?" Madoka asked dubiously.

Sayaka tried distracting Madoka. She pulled out her lovely azure Soul Gem. "Look! Pretty!"

Madoka was not cheered by it at all.

"Don't make that face," Sayaka said. "Besides, I didn't tell you that I added a bunch of extra amendments to my wish."

"Eh? What do you mean?"

Sayaka explained. About how it started with Kamijou's legs, about the extra lives, the whole bit.

"And so, no need to worry about me," Sayaka said proudly, standing tall. "It's like I've got W-blue-sky lives now! You know? I'm practically unkillable!"

"...'W-blue'...what?"

That's the writer's cue to make something bad happen. Suddenly one of the windmills exploded for no good reason. For no good reason, one of the blades hurtled toward the girls. Madoka screamed and ducked. Sayaka said "Huh?", and turned just in time to see the flying blade lop her head clean off at the fourth vertebrae.

Sayaka's head bounced and rolled to a stop just short of falling into the river. Her body fountained blood from her neck, though it still stood on its feet and began to wander about looking for a head to attach itself to. A horrified Madoka wanted to scream and throw up and pass out all at the same time, but getting confused with herself, she ended up saying something like "Blgwoohfibtgp" and half-crawled, half-stumbled her way to Sayaka's head.

"Sayaka-...chan‼" Madoka cried, though her voice was scarcely more than a strained, choked whisper. Sayaka herself looked frightened and was frantically moving her mouth, though with her lungs elsewhere, no sound came out. Madoka thought she would never forget this horrific vision of her friend's final moments for as long as she lived.

That is, until she realized that Sayaka was actually trying to say something. Madoka tried to put aside her sheer panic long enough to read Sayaka's lips.

Put. My. Head. Back. On!

The terrified Madoka finally understood, nodded, and jibbering in all sorts of incoherent babbling, sobbing and moaning, took Sayaka's head in her hands and shakily made her way back to Sayaka's wandering body.

_Mustn't drop mustn't drop mustn't drop mustn't drop mustn't drop mustn't drop mustn't_—

Sayaka's body had stopped moving so much now, and the gusher of blood had faded to a steady stream. It looked weakened from blood loss. Madoka unsteadily put Sayaka's head back on her body. A blue glow flashed from her neck and gem, and Sayaka was whole again. The first thing she did was suck in a sharp breath. The second was to move her head about to be sure her neck still worked. The third was to pant:

"Th...thanks, Madoka..."

"Can I pass out now?" Madoka wheezed, paler than rice.

"No please...allow me..." Sayaka breathed.

And together their legs gave way as they both fainted on the grassy knoll. Aww. Isn't it just so moe to have two good friends pass out together from shared trauma? Or is the writer just lonely, deep down? Bah.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Later, on their first date at the upscale afterschool eathouse for Mitakihara kids...

Hairband. "So after all that at Tomoe Mami's apartment, you still wanted to meet with me?"

Twintails. "Well...I feel safer since we're in public."

"You overestimate your safety. I am a magical girl, after all."

Madoka gazed at Homura unflinchingly, her eyes a determined steely pink.

"I'm wearing bloomers, too."

Homura rolled her eyes. "Thanks for sharing."

"And bike shorts."

"Okay, the bike shorts you should take off just because they don't fit your image."

"But they're pink."

Homura closed her eyes and exhaled.

"That's even worse. Bike shorts should always be black. Any other color just isn't sexy."

Madoka's twintails flared. "Why do you care what color bike shorts I wear? WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS TRYING TO GET UNDER MY SKIRT, HOMURA-CHAN⁉"

Nice job, Madoka. That was loud enough for everyone in the eatery to hear. Other middle schoolers at nearby tables turned their heads.

Madoka and Homura glanced about, feeling themselves being stared at. Madoka's twintails deflated as she went pale, clapping her hand over her mouth. Ten seconds too late, kid.

Homura, however, was cool as frozen tofu on Cirno's butt. "Don't look at me. She's the lesbian here," she said evenly, motioning to Madoka. "I was only giving her some advice on dealing with her cycle."

"Ho-Homura-chan!" Madoka squeaked.

Yet among most schoolkids of their day, such news was hardly titter-worthy. So Kaname Madoka likes girls and has PMS issues. Meh. Just a couple more factoids to file away amongst all the other inanities of their school lives. The NPCs turned away and resumed their indistinct mumbling.

Homura glared at Madoka. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have better things to do than take collateral damage from your stupidity. So long."

She scooted her nice butt out of her seat and got up to go. Madoka reached out and grasped Homura's hand, clutching it in both of hers.

"Wait! Please don't go! I'm sorry I said that, but, I still want to talk with you!" she implored.

Homura looked down at Madoka's hands clasped longingly about hers.

"I'd only meant it as a joke, but you're more lesbian than I thought," she said.

So Homura sat her nice butt back down. "Coffee's on you, then. You know that, right?"

"No problem," Madoka said determinedly. "But I'm not a lesbian," she added.

"We'll see. There's still a few more episodes of this fic to go yet," Homura said.

"...Huh?"

"Nothing. What did you want to talk about?"

Madoka then spluttered out a few heartfelt words regarding her best friend Sayaka. That she was a good person, a courageous and kind-hearted person...who liked getting into fights. Yup. And could Homura please be friends with her...and work together with her...and Can't We All Just Get Along...etc, etc. Homura played a quick mental game of shogi to pass the time.

"Just give up on Miki Sayaka," Homura said at last. "She's Dead Girl Walking at this point."

Madoka shed tears in an awkward-looking animation sequence. "Why..." she breathed.

"Besides. Lately, any character wearing two hair clips should just be killed off, anyhow. Hirasawa Yui...Kousaka Kirino..."

"B-But...Sayaka-chan said something about being unkillable, and—"

She broke off. The memory of a pulsing geyser of blood spewing from Sayaka's headless body rushed to the forefront of her mind.

Madoka tore from her seat, gagging and throwing a hand over her mouth. She only made it as far as the nearest trash can.

"Bbblaaaaaghh! Blauurrrrhgh!"

_Unkillable?_ Homura thought. This was intriguing. As far as she knew, no magical girl had ever possessed a stat enhancement of 'Unkillable' before. If it were true, and if Sayaka wasn't mistaken or just simply lying, Homura decided she would have to feel a skoosh jealous.

Madoka finally shuffled back to her seat, looking pinkish-green. "Sorry about that," she said, forcing herself to think about Hello Kitty TV specials instead.

"Let me guess. You already witnessed Miki Sayaka die a gruesome, bloody death right in fr—"

Madoka slammed her hands on her ears. "No, Bad Badtz-maru! You'll make a terrible Santa Claus!" she cried, breathing hard.

It was probably true then, Homura decided, as she watched Madoka spazz. Sayaka could get herself slaughtered by a witch and she wouldn't die. _Why is life never fucking fair?_ Homura grumbled to herself. She thumped Madoka on the stocking with her foot. Gradually, Madoka calmed down and unstopped her ears.

"Get a hold of yourself. If Miki Sayaka can't be killed, then she doesn't need me to fight alongside her." Once again, she got up to go, suppressing a fart as she stood up.

Don't make that face. As hot or sexy or whatever as Homura is, even she gets gas from time to time.

"But...Homura-ch—"

"Seems I've wasted your time. Sorry." Homura started off.

"But...your coffee..." Madoka called after her.

Homura kept walking. "You can have it."

"...And your cream..."

"You can use it."

"...And your little coffee-stirry thingie—"

Homura whirled. "Are you stupid⁈ If I left it behind, you're free to do as you like with it!" She turned and hastily marched off.

Madoka looked down sadly at her lonely table. Her eyes wandered over to Homura's coffee-stirry thingie. A stray thought entered into her head as she thought of something she could do with it...of some place she could try sticking it...

_N-No! Not letting my mind go there today!_ she chastised herself. She gathered her things and got up to go as well. _Besides, it'll probably hurt, and it might even break off inside my butt._ So with steadfast resolve, she strode away from the table, heading for Sayaka's place in hopes of catching her before she left on a witch hunt.

Eight seconds later, Madoka ran back up to the table, snatched the coffee-stirry thingie and ran back out of the joint. _I'm such a perverted girl..._ she sobbed inwardly as she stuffed it into her skirt pocket.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

And so, Madoka met Sayaka at the entrance to her apartment building. Madoka said she wanted to tag along like a puppy, even though she'd only be about as useful as one. Sayaka said sure, but she had to wonder—

"What are all those little bags?"

"Eh? Oh...j-just in case," Madoka replied, putting away her small stack of vomit bags in case of blood 'n' guts.

They set off. Walking the streets of the city at night, with traffic and people passing this way and that, the topic turned toward penises. For some reason.

"I think with this Gem I could give you a fake one for a while, if you wanted one," Sayaka smirked.

Madoka felt teased. "That was just a one-time dream. I dunno what I'd do with one, anyway."

"Have sex with me?" Sayaka winked.

Madoka cringed. "Blehhehheh!"

"Ahahahahaha! I kid, I kid!"

Yet somewhere, deep within a hidden part of herself, Sayaka felt a twinge of disappointment. Also somewhere, deep within a hidden part of herself, Madoka wondered if her vehement rejection of the idea may have been too strong.

"But from what I've seen, you always get scared and uncomfortable during sex," Kyuubey butted in.

Sayaka punched him off her shoulder.

"Boof!"

"What did Kyuubey mean by that?" Madoka asked.

"G-Gee! We should really be getting back to that witch hunt now, shouldn't we? Ahahaha!"

"Oh by the way," Kyuubey added, "you do realize that nobody else could see that privacy wall we were using, right? Only magical girls can see me or my magic. To ordinary people, it's invisible."

Sayaka stopped dead. Six slow, sickening seconds passed within her mind.

"YOU FUCKING—‼"

And once again, Kyuubey found his throat being throttled in Sayaka's tight fist. Finding the nearest very large oncoming delivery truck, she flung Kyuubey under its wheels. The truck driver felt two very hard, inexplicable bumps, like he'd just run over a cat that he hadn't seen. "Heh. Fuck Yamato Transport," he grinned to himself, and throwing his truck in reverse, backed up both axles over the invisible cat, then threw it in gear and ran over him again as he roared forward, feeling happy in his soul about running over a likeness of the mascot of his delivery company's largest competitor.

One minute later, Madoka walked quietly beside an angry Sayaka, still not knowing what was going on and yet feeling a bit caught in the middle. Kyuubey brought up the rear, his magical body unscathed...though now it was criss-crossed in black tire treads.

"Goddamn, that hurt," Kyuubey said.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"Nice performance on the rooftop, kiddo. I came buckets," Kyouko smirked nastily to her opponent. Sayaka was angrier than ever. Kyouko had a family-sized Wonka bar dangling from her teeth.

"Don't blame me for that one! I dunno how SHE saw through it," Kyuubey called from the sidelines.

"Why won't anyone tell me what's going on⁈" Madoka wailed.

Sayaka gritted her teeth at Kyouko. "Shut up! I have W-blue-sky lives! You can't kill me!"

Kyouko's Wonka bar nearly fell from her mouth. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Sayaka lunged. Kyouko easily parried. Kyouko slaughtered Sayaka in two shakes of a catgirl's tail.

"SAYAKA-CHAN‼"

"I dunno, you look pretty dead to me," said Kyouko. She scraped her heels on Sayaka's bloodied, lifeless body.

Sayaka suddenly stirred. She twisted about and grabbed Kyouko's boot.

"WHAT IF I HAD DIED⁉" she hollered.

Kyouko was unimpressed with the reference. So was Kyuubey. Madoka was clueless. However, secretly watching from a distance, the witch's familiar was laughing its guts out.

Amidst a snazzy flash of blue, Sayaka arose from the alley floor. She clutched twin blades and flew at Kyouko in a rage. Kyouko yawned and drove her spear through Sayaka's solar plexus. Sayaka split in half and spilled blood 'n' guts everywhere. Madoka whipped out a vomit bag and filled it. Kyouko stuffed down the Wonka, then opened up a Scrumdiddlyumptious.

Moments later, Sayaka arose again.

"Doesn't it hurt to keep dying like that?" Kyouko sighed.

"Fuck yes! But resurrection feels like fifty orgasms at once, so it evens out!" Sayaka spat.

_Fifty at once..._ Madoka said to herself. Her mouth hung slightly open. Her crotch grew just a teensy bit moist.

"So I'm doing you a favor by killing you. I'm good with that."

Grinning evilly, Kyouko splattered the alley with Sayaka juice three seconds later. Ten seconds later, Sayaka faced off against Kyouko once again. Twenty seconds later, juice and broken bones. Thirty seconds later, back in action. Thirty-three seconds — juice and stomach meats. Thirty-eight seconds — ready to fight. Thirty-nine seconds — headless quadraplegic. Forty-four seconds — raging blue heart.

"You know what's weird?" Kyuubey said casually beside the horrified, sickened Madoka. "I bet if we gathered up all the blood Sayaka's spilled all over the alley, it'd add up to a lot more than what the human body can hold."

The gushing bloodbath raged on. Madoka vomited again into a fresh bag as she witnessed a particularly spectacular bloody death of Sayaka's. She sank to her knees. "Can't you do anything about this?" she pleaded nauseously to Kyuubey.

"Wellll, if you wanna make a wish and get in between them as a magical girl..."

Madoka dumped out her puke on the magical critter.

Kyuubey sighed. "I gave myself this cute 'n' cuddly appearance designed specifically to appeal to young girls, in hopes that it would encourage them to have warm and fuzzy feelings about me. And what happens? I get punched, choked, thrown under trucks and puked on! WHY?"

"It's because you're an asshole," Homura said, flying in to step between the fighting girls.

Sayaka spied the new arrival. "You again! I don't need—"

Whack. Kyouko severed her head once again as Sayaka's lips formed the words '—your help!'

"Oh, really?" Homura said, stepping down into a large puddle of red. She looked about at the dripping scarlet throughout the alley. "Is all this blood yours?"

Sayaka's body came back together. "Don't worry about me," she insisted. "I have W-blue-sky lives!"

"Actually, Sayaka, I've been keeping count, and, um...I think you're down to your last life now," Kyuubey said.

Sayaka froze.

"Aw, crap."

"Awww, no more resurrectiongasms for you," Kyouko cooed, holding a fistful of chocolate cornets. "Poor baby."

Kyouko charged, mouth full of choco. Homura poofed Sayaka out of Kyouko's reach. Sayaka landed skirt-up elsewhere in the alley. Homura flic

— Ep 05 End —

...well, the anime episode ended suddenly, so...

* * *

><p>p.s.<p>

yeah "pappy Kyaapey" fails now, because Kyuubeys.

true story on those crazy Japanese street performers, though.


	6. Ep 06

warnings: EXPLICIT CONTENT, INCEST.

though if you've read up to this point, that probably won't bother you...maybe.

anyway, around the time when eps 06-07 of madoka aired, i got tired of doing just parody-porn and thought i would try sandwiching some straight-up porn in between the parody bits. here's the result. first porn i've ever written. i even gave it a title.

at first i was going to do more [NICE BOAT] redacting for the explicit content, but in the end i figured that would just make this ep read like crap because i would have to do a lot of it at a part when the tone has already shifted away from parody.

so i just left all the smut in. just so you know.

don't worry, i don't use the word "throbbing" once in this thing.

and if you think an incest scene might bother you, you should probably back out now. (though i tried to make it very rabu-rabu...)

* * *

><p>— Ep 06: "Kaname, 1 a.m." —<p>

Four girls in a back alley. Three of them magical. Two of them friends. One of them a blue pile of fail.

Sayaka rushed again at Kyouko. Homura stopped her cold and she hit the pavement.

"Sayaka-chan‼"

Madoka ran to her side. Kyouko addressed the new arrival.

"Who be you? And whom side am you're on?"

"My be on side — I mean, I am on the side of the levelheaded, and I am the enemy of idiots who start fights needlessly."

"Why is everyone fighting⁇" Madoka cried, interrupting. "You're all magical girls, aren't you? You're on the same side! And we're all involved in this together! Why aren't we spending our free time after school doing bonding activities like going to sing karaoke and stuff...?" She trailed off, sobbing goofily.

At hearing the suggestion of karaoke, however, their hearts of eastern youth gave pause.

"Karaoke, huh?" Kyouko said, considering.

Homura sighed. "I hate singing in front of people."

"But you have such a rich and beautiful voice!" Kyuubey chirped.

So they all went to sing karaoke. Madoka dragged Homura along, whining that she wanted to hear her rich and beautiful voice. One hour later, however, Kyouko got up from her spot on the sofa in a huff.

"Well that sucked. I'm outta here."

Yanking open the door to their room, she threw one last threat at Sayaka. "Oh by the way — I see you out on the street again, I'll kill ya."

The door slammed.

"Yeah⁈ Well same to you!" Sayaka bellowed. "I mean, same goes for me to you! I think! Well you know what I mean!"

Madoka let her face hit the table with a drink-rattling thunk. "And I thought we were doing so well," she whimpered.

Standing with mike still in hand, Homura had just finished another song, her blush-tinged cheeks full of dere. _Yeah...I-I was having fun, too..._ she thought secretly.

So, later that night, a sleepless Madoka sought out her mother, unable to get her concern over Sayaka out of her head and needing to talk things over in a mother-daughter heart-to-heart.

She found her mother at the table in the kitchen. "Mama? Can we talk for a bit?" she said softly from the stairs.

Mama, however, was already sloshed. Her words came out in a crass slur of vocal sludge.

"Goddammit, WHAT⁉ Can'tcha see I'm drinkin' here?"

Madoka's ponytail flared. She stomped over to the table where her mother sat half-slumped over. "Well I'm certainly glad my own mother is there for me when I need her the most!" she spat, putting hands to hips.

"Fuckin' shit..." Junko muttered under her breath. "All right, fine. Lemme guess...some friend o' yours 's fightin' wi'h some bitch and you wanna make errybody all happy again, right? Pfff! Fuck that schoolgirl drama shit. You've got no idea what REAL problems are at your age. Come back when yer a fuckin' adult."

"Oh you mean real problems like getting drunk in your own home⁈" She snatched the drink away from her mother.

"Heyyy! Gimme back my—"

Junko lurched to her feet, only to fall over and hit the floor. Madoka stepped back. She looked from her sprawled mother to the drink in her hands.

Junko eyed her daughter suspiciously. "Don't yeh DARE throw that out!" she drawled, pointing more or less at the drink. "I gave my hard-earned money for that!"

"I wasn't gonna throw it out! That'd be a waste!" Madoka answered back, her Japanese penchant for frugality showing through in spite of everything. "So, I'll, I'll..."

Though she wasn't exactly sure what she _would_ do with it — until inspiration struck.

"I'll just drink it myself!"

Madoka then chugged it like she would have chugged a plain glass of water. Junko looked impressed...until Madoka let out one very long and protracted raspy cough after the last drop had burned its way down her throat. Then Junko enjoyed herself a nice and hearty bellylaugh at her daughter's expense.

"Shit, Madoka! Not bad for yer first time!"

"...Th..That wasn't so bad," Madoka said huskily. Actually, she found the taste somewhat pleasant in retrospect.

"Tha's cuz it's quality shit. I don' drink garbage."

"C-Can I try some more, Mama?"

Junko held up two fingers. "I'm gunna give ya two answers. One: No fuckin' way. You're still a minor. And B...I'm gonna roll over and pretend you didn't just ask me that. And whatever ya choose ta do is your responsibility."

Junko sluggishly rolled over, turning her back to Madoka. Madoka got the message and poured herself another glass. She sat down at the table, wanting to savor this one more slowly.

After some time, her mother spoke again. "Hey. Aren'tcha gunna help me up? I wanna join ya."

"I thought you were busy pretending I didn't ask you anything," Madoka replied from behind her half-empty glass. "Besides, you've already had enough to drink for one night." She felt very adult as she took another sip.

A while later, however, Madoka herself was half-slumped over the table, sitting across from her mother and crying big blubbery tears. By now Junko had already hauled herself off the floor and sat staring stupidly at her babbling daughter. A week or so ago Madoka might have been a happy drunk gushing with love for everyone she knew. But with all the terrible things she'd witnessed in recent days...

"...It bit off her head, Mama!" she sobbed, her third glass partly empty and now seemingly forgotten. "I've never seen anything so awful happen to anybody...but Homura-chan was all cold and mean about it...and Kyuubey doesn't care, he was just all, 'C'mon! Make a contract! Make a contract!'...and witches are going around killing people...Hitomi-chan almost died...I almost died...but still I can't do it...I can't be a magical girl..._snif_...I dunno what I'd wish for, anyway...I'm such a coward...I promised Mami-san that I'd...but then I..._sob_...Mama, for my next birthday, I don't want a birthday cake...I never wanna eat cake again..._sob_..."

"Goddamn. I ne'er figured ya'd turn out to be one o' those crazy drunks," Junko said.

She reached out unsteadily for Madoka's drink to take it from her. Madoka's hand shot out and pulled it away with surprising accuracy.

"And Sayaka-chan's gonna get killed by a witch or by that new girl!" she wailed. "I don't wanna lose my friend! But she has to fight now...and Homura-chan..._sob_...she could help but she won't...I went on a date with her, you know...at that place where Sayaka-chan and Hitomi-chan and I go a lot..._snif_...just me and Homura-chan...does that make me a lesbian?...I just wanted to ask her not to fight with Sayaka-chan, but...Homura-chan's so pretty...and elegant...and talented...and she has such pretty hair...it felt kinda special just being alone with her...even if she's mean and cold and..." Madoka took another swig.

"I think you've had enough t' drink too, Madoka."

Madoka slammed her drink down, spilling some. She abruptly stood up and grabbed her pajama top. "Whaddya think about th—"

A sudden dizziness caught her off guard and she found herself unable to stand. She fell right over and crashed to the floor, ending up on her back. Her mother enjoyed herself another hearty bout of laughter.

Moving gingerly, Junko made her way over to her drunk daughter. "Hey, y'okay down there?" she grinned.

Strangely, she saw that Madoka had pulled up her pajama top as she lay on the floor. Her developing breasts fully exposed in the room's dim light mixed oddly with the sight of her saddened eyes still running with tears.

"Whaddya think about these breasts, Mama? Are they for a guy or a girl?"

"Ashually, they're f'r babies, y'know. You sucked mine when you wer'a baby yerself."

"I know, but...you know..."

Madoka had no memory of suckling at her mother's breasts. Naturally she knew that was because she'd been too young to remember. Still, she felt an odd urge to ask in a low murmur—

"Can I see yours again?"

Junko saw that Madoka stared at her own ample chest. She chuckled. "Sure, why not? One of us 's alrea'y half-naked anyway..."

Kneeling down carefully, she loosened her bathrobe and spread it open at the top, baring herself for Madoka. Her breasts hung firm and full in the soft light. Madoka appeared entranced, staring ceaselessly.

Junko took the opportunity to clean up Madoka's face. Taking a corner of her bathrobe, she wiped away her daughter's tears.

"Hmh...lookit me, I'm bein' all motherly now," she said, amused. "I must be sob'ring up a bit."

She then felt a hand caressing the curve of her breast. Fingers gently ran across her skin, areola, and nipple. Madoka's fingers. Junko looked down at her, not entirely surprised by her touch.

"You, on th' other hand, are completely hammered."

"Nooo I'm nott..." Madoka said, slurring a bit. She played idly with her mother's nipple.

"Are you sleepy?"

"...A liittlle."

"Well...maybe I c'n help relaxsh'ya for bed..."

"...Whaddyya meann?"

Junko took Madoka's hand and laid it down. "Jus' lie still...an' think about nice things..."

Madoka did lay still as she watched her mother lazily straddle her and place her warm hands upon her skin. She felt her mother's hands glide smoothly over her body, covering her shoulders, sides, stomach, hips and thighs. It felt nice. But those last words her mother had said only made the awful, terrible things from her memories jump unwanted into her mind. Frightening scenes replayed themselves in her head and she closed her eyes and tried not to cry, but a few shuddering sobs escaped her nevertheless. For Mami-san...for Sayaka-chan—

"Shhhh..." her mother hushed, hearing her daughter's tears.

—for her own family as well. What if a witch took one of them? Or all of them? What if a witch attacked her family next week, or even tomorrow?

Madoka took hold of her mother's hands. She guided them to her chest, passing them directly over her breasts and holding them to her heart. Her voice came forth watery and broken.

"Mamaa...I lovve yyou...ssoo muchh. Andd I..."

Junko listened, looking into her daughter's wet eyes.

"...I donn't everr wantt yyou t'leavve mme..."

"Ohh? Is tha' all...?" Junko smirked. "I was almos' exshpectin' my drunk li'l Madoka t'say somethin' more mushy than that..."

"Liike whaatt...?"

"Like, 'I wantcha t'make passionate LOVE t'me!'" she teased, giving Madoka's boobs a healthy squeeze.

And in spite of her tears, Madoka laughed a gentle laugh, like the spring rain. She relaxed a little and continued to hold onto her mother's hands, now encouraging them back and forth across her breasts, liking the feeling of being touched there. Junko obliged her, and every now and then she sneaked a soft pinch at Madoka's nipples, wondering how Madoka would react. Madoka didn't seem to mind at all.

"Aww, it's nnot fairr you're the onlly one naaked..." Madoka said.

Junko looked down at herself. Her bathrobe had fallen completely open from where she had loosened it earlier, allowing Madoka a clear view of her smooth, unclothed body. For a moment she wondered how long her robe had been like that, though she decided that it scarcely mattered. It was already way too late for modesty, anyhow.

"Well, what're y'gonna do abou' that?" Junko said, smirking again at her.

Madoka answered by pushing down her pajama bottoms and panties. She clumsily worked them the rest of the way down with her legs and finally kicked them off with her feet.

"How does that feel?"

"Cozy..." Madoka answered airily.

Junko continued caressing her daughter's body, no longer hesitating at stroking her breasts and even venturing into her inner thighs and lower abdomen. She caught herself staring at Madoka's pinkish pubic hair, not having seen that part of her since Madoka was a very young child, when they had still taken baths together. The hair brushed her hands lightly during some passes when her hands wandered close to Madoka's most intimate place.

"Hmmhhh..." Madoka sighed pleasantly, her eyes now closed. She was more deeply relaxed now, and appeared half-asleep.

Soon Junko noticed that Madoka had reached up to her own breasts and was fondling herself. She massaged them slowly, steadily, occasionally rolling and pulling a nipple in her fingers. Junko was amused, almost entertained by the sight. Madoka was getting worked up — and she was getting to watch.

"D'youu thinnk my tits'll get big liike yourrs?"

"I'm surre yours aren't done growin' yet," Junko said. That was the first time she'd heard a word like 'tits' come out of Madoka's mouth. Drunk Madoka was definitely amusing, she thought.

Madoka then slowly slid a hand down her body. Gliding past her belly button and through her pubic hair, her fingers stopped right at her clitoris. She pulled on it lightly. Junko felt Madoka's hips tensing beneath her hands.

"Whhat abouut this clit, Mama? Shhould it be forra guy or a girl?"

"Tha's som'thing you'll have t' decide on y'r own. Though mos'ly I'd say it's for yourself."

Madoka began circling her clit with her fingers while her other hand continued rolling and kneading a nipple. "Did y'knoww I play withh myself a lot?" she admitted. Her breaths began coming more deeply.

"I figured y' would. You're a healthy young girl, affter all..."

"Did y'knoww too thaat I somm'times have dreamms that I have a dick? ...Mmh..."

"Ohh? Well...did _you_ know tha' the tip o' your clit looks a lot like a dick?"

Madoka's eyes cracked open. "Ehh? Reeallyy?"

"But we'll have t' get it reeally stimulated t' get a good look..."

Junko brought two fingers to her mouth, wetting them thoroughly. She added her fingers to Madoka's, pressing and stroking Madoka on either side of where Madoka played with herself. Madoka was already soaking wet; Junko's fingers glided effortlessly along Madoka's swollen labia, her saliva unneeded.

"...Hahh...haah..."

"Hmmh...I wonnder how my daugh'er tastes..." Junko purred. She took Madoka's hand and brought it to her lips and sucked on Madoka's wet fingers.

"...How is it?" Madoka said, watching.

Junko smacked her lips and smirked. "Youu've been eating garrlic lately, haven't ya?"

Madoka gave a light grin. "Papa did make Italian the otherr day...'n then we had leftoverrs..." she said, still working her breast with her other hand.

"Ever taste yourrself before?" Junko asked. Madoka gave a slight shake of her head. So Junko stretched out her own fingers to Madoka's lips, to which Madoka responded by opening her mouth and taking them in. Yet Junko only got to enjoy the sensation of Madoka's tongue on her fingertips briefly before Madoka grimaced and pulled her mouth away.

"Too much for ya, huh?"

"No...it just tastes weird..."

Junko went back to stroking Madoka's clit while still running her other hand over Madoka's body. Madoka squirmed and moaned pleasantly under her mother's touch, playing harder with her breasts now. Presently Junko moved herself down and spread her daughter's legs a bit wider. She brought both her hands to Madoka's vulva and began working at the folds of skin surrounding her clitoris. By degrees she would gently try to spread the skin to expose more of Madoka's tiny shaft, being careful not to hurt her, while continuing to stroke it and play with it and move her fingertips about it in circles the way Madoka seemed to like, not wanting to deprive her daughter of any of her mounting pleasure.

"...Hah...haahh...ahh...ahhn...mmhh!..."

It was a bit tricky, as Madoka was tensing and moving her hips rhythmically, but Junko finally managed to uncover a bit more of its length.

"Yup...there it is..."

She had her face in Madoka's pussy now, and she examined Madoka's small phallic shape while drinking in Madoka's warm scent. Playfully she gave it a couple of squeezes between her fingers, masturbating it almost like she would a penis.

"Unh!"

Madoka grunted and twitched when she did so. Junko figured she might. Probably too sensitive for that kind of touch.

_Heh...such a tiny movement gets such a reaction..._ she mused to herself.

Aloud to Madoka she said, "...You wanna see?"

"I...I just wanna come, Mama..."

_Of course,_ Junko thought, lowering her tongue to meet Madoka's clit. She gave it a few featherlight flicks.

"Ahhn!"

Madoka's hips tensed harder. Her body seemed to be begging for release. Junko continued her tonguework, but it wasn't enough for Madoka.

"...Fingers...inside me...please...!"

_So you've done that to yourself too, huh?_ Junko thought as she promptly obliged her. Surprisingly though, she found Madoka's hymen still intact. She hesitantly slid in one finger, then two. Her hymen proved very elastic and stretchy; it seemed in no danger of breaking as Junko began thrusting her fingers in and out, in and out...tonguing her more fervently than ever...

"...ahnh...hnh...hahh...haah...ahh!...Mama...Mama...ah!...ahhn!..."

Madoka's feet were curled and her legs rigid as she felt the intense pleasure swelling inexorably throughout her body. Half of herself already felt in orgasm; she knew it would only be moments before the rest of her caught up...

"...Nooo...I'm going to...I'm gonna co—!"

The wave hit. Her back threw itself into an arch as pulsating pleasure swept powerfully through her small body.

"HAAUUHH! HAAHHNN!"

Madoka's vagina contracted hard about her mother's fingers. She writhed and moaned freely, utterly overcome by the sweet pulsing of her body. Junko kept up just the right amount of tonguing and penetrating to let Madoka feel her orgasm for as long as possible...

"...Haaauuu...aaahhhh...hhaaaahhhh...hmmmmhhh..."

Madoka felt so warm. Her whole body felt warmed through and through and she felt complete and whole. Like as though for this one moment, nothing would ever be wrong again.

Soon she felt the warmth of her mother as well. Junko clambered on top of her, straddling her like before, melding body against body. She began softly grinding her cunt against Madoka's, touching their breasts together as she looked expectantly into her daughter's eyes.

"And now, it's my turn," she smirked.

"...Huhh? Ohh...okay..." Madoka murmured, suddenly appearing very sleepy.

"Come on now, don't fall asleep on me yet," her mother chided. She took Madoka in her arms and rolled gently, hauling Madoka on top of herself as she ended up on her back. Madoka felt heavy, almost limp. Still, she seemed to know what her mother was asking of her, and lazily she reached a slow hand down to her mother's vagina and began sloppily playing with her clit. As an extra treat, since her head was already on her mother's chest she planted her mouth on a nipple and alternated between sucking on it and licking it.

"...Ohhh...that's nice...ahh..."

Yet Madoka's playing gradually became slower...then slower still. Finally, it stopped altogether.

"...Madoka...?"

Madoka lay still.

"Madoka?" Junko called again. But all she heard from Madoka now was her slow, heavy breathing. She'd fallen fast asleep.

"_Yare yare_..." Junko sighed. "Guess I'll have to finish myself up later, then. Well...come on, sleepyhead, let's get ya to bed..."

She fastened her bathrobe shut then got the panties and pajama bottoms back on Madoka. Thankfully she now felt sober enough to walk her daughter up the stairs to her room. Sure, they could have always slept on the floor, Junko thought...but it wouldn't have made a very flattering picture in the morning.

Madoka made whining noises in protest as Junko hauled her to her feet. Carefully she led her listless daughter to her room, then laid her down. Madoka was asleep again before Junko had even finished tucking her in.

_Hmh. Who'd 've thought I'd ever be tucking her in at her age?_

Junko eventually made her way to her own bed, after cleaning up what was left of the drinks in the kitchen. A while later, as she was busily using one of her toys to help finish herself off, she suddenly heard the sounds of puking coming from Madoka's room.

"Urrrlllpphh!...Bllaaaggh!"

"Aww, how sweet...my Madoka's having her first hangover. Ah, well...her night almost ended on a peaceful note."

— Ep 06 End —

* * *

><p>— "Kaname, 1 a.m.": Alternate Take —<p>

. . .

The wave hit. Madoka's back threw itself into an arch as pulsating pleasure swept powerfully through her small body.

"HAAUUHH! HAAHHNN!"

"What's going on out h—OH MY GAH!" Madoka's Papa said as he wandered blindly into the situation.

"Woops," said Junko, looking up, her face and fingers guiltily soaked.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"So that's how it happened," Junko explained to Papa half an hour later, after having finally gotten him calmed down enough to talk. Madoka, meanwhile, had fled to her room in shame and refused to come out.

"We didn't mean to do it, we just got drunk and caught up in...stuff."

Papa let out a very loooooooong sigh.

"You're not gonna divorce me or turn me in to the police, are you?" she asked hopefully.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't," Papa said with the cold, hard eyes of a pack of scorned yanderes.

Junko stood up and struck a cute pose for him. "Because I'm still hot even at my age and even after two kids?"

Papa suddenly seemed to be wavering.

"Come onnnn, you know you love meeee," Junko chimed sweetly, giving him a playful poke on the cheek.

"And here all this time I'd been worried about Madoka getting violated by some guy at school," he said wryly.

— Alternate End —


	7. Ep 07

a/n:

very short "what-if" scenario i hammered out just hours before ep 08 aired. madoka fags will speculah (at the time).

also, somber non-parody tone, which i did for a personal change of pace. put here for completeness even though it is nothing at all like the rest of this fic. i get back to parody in ep 08.

* * *

><p>Sayaka had nothing to do. So she merely waited, staring blankly at the path to school ahead. She had come early today to their usual meeting spot. Behind her, Madoka would surely come. And perhaps, Hitomi. Sayaka had her back to a tree just off the walkway, not particularly wanting to be seen by Hitomi from a distance — that is, if Hitomi chose to come this way at all today. Sayaka considered that Hitomi just might choose another route to school this morning just to avoid crossing paths with her, especially today. Or that even if Hitomi did walk this way, that she would avert her route and walk the long way around to the school's entrance, if she saw Sayaka standing ahead. So Sayaka had put her back to a tree and waited.<p>

Sayaka had nothing to feel. All of her crazed feelings from yesterday had broken something inside of her. The feelings of shock and of regret from her talk with Hitomi. The tears in front of her apartment with Madoka. That terrible witch battle. She told herself that she no longer had any need for feelings, now. She had power — and should that not be enough? But she did not try to answer the question. She only stared ahead and waited, empty.

Sayaka had nothing to dream. Her fate now hung in a ring about her finger, with only physical pain and the threat of death as her truest companions. There would be no loving relationship for her. No wedding ring to wish for someday. No home of her own to raise a family in. There would only be fighting and battling and killing until one day a witch claimed her, as one had claimed Mami...as one claimed every magical girl one day. But her body was soulless now. Soulless bodies had no need for dreams. So Sayaka waited by the tree, unmoving, undreaming.

Footsteps passed by and she would glance over to the walkway using only just her eyes, but it would only be someone else. Until finally, she thought she heard a familiar gait approach. She glanced over and saw at last the head of green hair. Hitomi had also come early. Sayaka watched her as she passed by their usual meeting place without stopping.

"Hitomi."

Hitomi paused. She turned but offered Sayaka no smile or greeting.

"Can we talk for a bit?"

Hitomi stiffened. "I've already said all that I needed to say yesterday."

Sayaka's voice was even and calm. "Then will you just listen to me?"

Sayaka saw the doubt in Hitomi's eyes in the silence between them. Finally, though, Hitomi sighed.

"Go ahead."

Sayaka lifted her back off the tree. It felt strange to move again, after standing there like a lifeless thing all this time. She stepped forward to the denser woods.

"C'mon." She motioned Hitomi to follow.

"Wait, where are you going?"

"I wanna talk more in private."

Hitomi looked around. "There's no one else here."

"There's other people walking by sometimes. And Madoka might come."

Hitomi scanned far down the path. "I don't see her for a long way off yet."

"I'd rather not still be standing here talking when she comes by."

"...How long is this going to take?"

Sayaka paused. "...I don't know."

"I have to get to school, you know."

"We're both early."

Hitomi paused, but she was out of ideas. So finally, with some annoyance, she stepped forward to follow Sayaka.

Their footsteps crunched through the brush as they made their way through the denser trees. Sayaka led the way with Hitomi trailing just behind. Neither spoke for some time.

"Isn't this far enough?" Hitomi said at length.

"Almost. There's actually a clearing further in that I wanted to go to. I go there sometimes when I need a place to think."

"Sayaka-san, if this is some kind of prank, I'm not really in the m—"

A sudden turn, a flash of metal, and Hitomi's head was no longer attached to her body. Two thumps hit the brush-covered ground. The sword in Sayaka's hand was spattered red. In her other hand, her Soul Gem glowed.

Sayaka walked up to Hitomi's head and looked down into her still-open eyes.

"Yeah. It's a prank. You see, I became a magical girl. And now my body no longer has a soul. My soul is in this." She held out her glowing gem for Hitomi to see.

"I can never be with Kyousuke, the way that I am. You, however, could take him away from me, because you're still human. But now your body no longer has a head."

Sayaka crouched down close to Hitomi, close enough to see her eyes beginning to glaze over.

"Isn't that funny?"

* . * . *

Madoka did not even ask about Hitomi when she met Sayaka later on the walkway. She had already guessed they would not be walking together with her that morning. She and Sayaka walked silently to school.

— fin —

* * *

><p>p.s.<p>

seems i'm getting more anon/unsigned reviews lately...

"FFFFUUU-" reviewer makes me wonder if i know this anon from elsewhere...

wpn: no hawt kyou x saya yuri action on the altar of the old abandoned church, sadly.

anon: heh, almost forgot about "do not throw souls"...meduka meguca was pure mastery. and by all means, fap. i'd be honored.

Sici: mmm, can't really see junko x homu...then again there was that papa x homumado doujin, so i guess maybe.

man: haha, haters.

Sandwhisper: thank ye, sir.


	8. Ep 08

a/n: haha, remember when it was theorized that Homu might be the cat?

* * *

><p>— Ep 08 —<p>

"Don't push yourself. Hold onto me."

Madoka offered her shoulders and back for Sayaka to hang onto. Sayaka accepted in spite of herself, feeling too Elsa-fucked to care about her pride now. She leaned heavily on her best friend.

"Unngh...!"

Madoka staggered sideways under the extra load. After a few raggedy steps, Sayaka slid from her shoulders.

"Oh no! I-I've got you, Sayaka-chan!"

Madoka grasped her arm, straining to keep her battle-weary friend from falling. Gradually she was able to haul Sayaka back upright again while trying to keep herself from making any more audible grunts.

"I'm sorry," she apologized, supporting Sayaka once more.

They staggered on. But Madoka began worrying to herself how long she could keep going like this, frustrated with her weakling girl self and praying she wouldn't let Sayaka drop.

Next thing she knew, she let Sayaka drop.

"Wah!" Madoka cried as Sayaka went thud. She apologized over and over while helping her friend back to her feet. "Sorry! Sorry!"

Kyouko had to facepalm and turn away. "I just can't watch this," she said.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Sayaka sat at the bus stop bench, her head hung low. Madoka had finally returned from the convenience store, two cans of Sparx 9% alcohol in her hands. She gave the blue one to Sayaka, then sat down and popped open the green can for herself and took a tasty sip. A small part of herself wished that she'd found a pink can instead, but no.

Sayaka stared wearily at her Sparx, eyeing the Asahi logo. "How'd you get these? You're a minor," she mumbled.

"I dunno, the clerk girl just let me have them," Madoka said, recalling that said clerk girl had looked a bit sauced herself. Oh, Japan.

Sayaka put hers down on the bench. "You drink them. I don't want any."

"But it's supposed to be just the thing to relax you after a stressful day. That smiling salaryman on TV said so, in the commercial. And my mother said—"

Sayaka suddenly flared and stood up. "God, Madoka! Are you stupid⁉ Do you believe everything you hear on TV⁇"

Madoka was shocked into silence.

"Oh, that's right, you do," Sayaka went on. "Because you thought that being a magical girl for real would be all about cute ribbons and pink frilly dresses and going about having silly madcap adventures while battling the monster of the week, and where the biggest thing you had to worry about was romance and who you were gonna hook up with in the end...didn't you? Just like on TV. DIDN'T YOU⁈⁇"

Madoka tried to find words. "...Um...well...you thought that too...right? At first. Before...before Mami-san..."

Madoka didn't finish her sentence. So Sayaka finished it for her.

"Before Mami-san got ahead of herself? Before she lost face? Before she stopped being on top of things? How many more bad puns would you like to hear about it, huh⁇"

"Sayaka-chan...don't..."

"Before she went Marie Antoinette on us? Naw, that just sounds stupid..."

"I just want you to be happy..."

"Well I can't be happy! I'll never be happy again because all I am now is a soulless chunk of unsexy girl meats! Now 'scuse me while I run off into the raining night in despair!"

And she dashed off, only to slam nose-first into the glass doors of the bus stop. Two shakes of a Homura's theoretical cat tail later, the doors finally opened. Sayaka cursed the doors with a belligerent "DAMMIT‼" as she tore off into the rain. The doors then shut behind her.

"Sayaka-chan!"

Madoka started off the bench to chase after her, only to slam nose-first into the glass doors of the bus stop, which apparently needed maintenance to fix their slow reaction time. Madoka cursed the doors with a cutesy "Darnit!" as they finally opened and she ran after Sayaka.

"Don't follow me!"

Madoka stopped, stunned. She watched, feeling helpless, as her best friend splashed away into the darkness.

_But...I care about your unsexy girl meats..._ she thought within her heart.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Meanwhile, over at Homura's digs, Homura and Kyouko started off their conversation with cheap instant ramen and some yesy fansub dialogue:

"The Walpurgis Night is predicted to appear in this area," Homura said, pointing to a spot on a map.

"What are you basing that on?" Kyouko countered.

"Statistics."

"Statistics? I've never heard of a Walpurgis coming to this city before. Just how reliable are these so-called "statistics" of yours?"

"Very. My statistics also say there's an 87% chance that within the next ten seconds you are going to drop your ramen bowl on my floor like a clumsy-ass."

Kyouko bristled. "The hell are you talkin' about⁉ I'm not clumsy! And I'd never waste food like th—"

In her excitement the broth in her bowl sloshed about. The balance of the bowl shifted in her hand and over it went, splat on Homura's floor.

Kyouko looked at the bowl as if her favorite pet goldfish had just died. She bellowed and stamped her foot.

"SHHHHIT!"

_89% next time,_ Homura said to herself, after a quick mental recalculation.

Kyuubey suddenly popped his head in from the shadows. "Oooo! Yummy! I haven't had cheap shitty ramen in a while!"

Eagerly he scampered over to the spilled ramen and began scarfing up noodle. Kyouko promptly punted him into a wall.

"Nobody invited you. Now get the fuck out."

"Mghrglfbhlmbhghfm..." Kyuubey muttered from where his face was implanted in the wall.

Homura sighed. "If you please, Sakura Kyouko, this is my home. I will decide who to tell to get the fuck out."

She walked over to Kyuubey and peeled him off the wall by his tail, then tossed him carelessly onto the floor.

"Now what were you saying."

"I said Sayaka's Soul Gem is starting to crap out. At the rate she's going, shit's gonna hit the uchiwa before Walpurgis Night comes."

"Eh? What're you talking about?" Kyouko said.

Homura showed no reaction. "Well, thank you for the information. Now get the fuck out."

"Aw! Can't I at least have some of that ramen first?" Kyuubey whined. "You girls aren't gonna eat it, right? And it'd be such a waste!"

Kyouko flinched. Homura, however, glared steadily at him...cold and hard.

A few minutes later, a misshapen Kyuubey tottered down the street, having been shoved into the gears of Homura's clockwork chandelier by Homura and yanked out the other side by Kyouko.

"Sheesh...a simple 'no' would've sufficed..." Kyuubey said.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Kyouko left some time later, flying off into the night. Homura watched her go. Soon as she was out of sight, Homura quickly returned to her living area and opened up a hidden compartment in one of her couches. Pulling out a magical remote control, she clicked a button.

All the pictures, articles and info related to Walpurgis Night flipped, replaced by loads of pictures of Madoka. Madoka at school, Madoka at home, Madoka in the shopping district, Madoka in bed, Madoka in the bath...Madoka in all states of dress and undress in between.

Homura sighed with relief. "Much better..." she breathed, relaxing on a couch and staring longingly at her precious gallery. Slowly she began lifting up her skirt.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

The next day, Hitomi dragged Kyousuke way the hell out of her way just so she could confess to him by the river waterfall, in spite of his still being on crutches. Because she cared about him so much.

Sayaka listened to them secretly just around a corner...listened to her man being taken away from her. She felt she had only two options now. One — just walk away and drown herself in anguish and bitterness. Two — crash the party.

Sayaka gritted her teeth. "Imma crash the party."

She stepped out and charged right into the midst of their happy moment. They both stopped mid-sentence.

"Kyousuke! Tell me!" Sayaka cried. "And I mean this with the utmost seriousness! I can't tell you why I'm asking, but I have to know this!"

Hitomi and Kyousuke were both too taken by surprise to respond. Sayaka took a deep breath.

"Would you kiss a zombie⁇"

A loooooong silence followed.

"...Uhhhhh...nnnnno?" Kyousuke finally drawled.

Sayaka deflated, utterly. "...No...no, of course you wouldn't. Nobody would...would they?"

And she suddenly tore off, bellowing out one last angry "NOBODY WOULD!" as she ran.

Kyousuke and Hitomi both stared after her, their faces full of WTF.

"I have no idea how I'm supposed to react to that," Kyousuke finally said.

Hitomi had no comment. She merely set about steering their conversation back to her main objective — fucking Kyousuke.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Spiralling downward like so much blue water in a filth-covered toilet bowl of despair, the crazed Sayaka sliced 'n' diced her way through another familiar. It's maze evaporated, and Homura sashayed onto the scene.

"Miki Sayaka. If you keep draining your Soul Gem like this, you are going to turn yourself into a witch."

Sayaka whirled. "Wha⁇"

"Oh, and I am in love with Kaname Madoka. And in another timeline, she was in love with me, and we had many great sexings together. Even though she does not remember that now, I would still do anything to protect her. So stop hurting her. Or I'll kill you."

Now see, Homura? That wasn't so hard, was it? Just try telling the complete truth to people once in a while and you might be surprised by how they react. Then again, Sayaka did look as though she'd just been told a pile of complete dogshit...

"LIES! There's no way Madoka would ever be a lesbian! She likes penises as much as I do!"

"Oh? Really? And where is your proof of that?"

Sayaka pondered. Come to think of it, whenever Sayaka had jokingly brought up the topic in the past, Madoka had always been pretty 'meh' about it, and had often tried to change the subject. As though she didn't want to talk about it. As though she found it distasteful. Yet Sayaka knew that she herself could be a bit of a perv about that sort of thing, and she never faulted Madoka for not wanting to play along. She had always thought that it was just typical Madoka having innocent-girl shyness about boy parts. But now, hearing Homura's challenge, she began to wonder. Doubt began to cloud her perception of the Madoka she thought she knew.

"As I thought," Homura said flatly. "You really know nothing about Kaname Madoka. The Kaname Madoka that she truly is, on the inside. Her deepest feelings. Her darkest secrets. Her most intimate thoughts. The way she likes to be touched in bed. Her favorite posi—"

Sayaka slapped palms to ears. "No! You lie! I'm gonna run away from you now because you're bad evil liar twisted shameless slut bitch magical hobag smelly cunt lips! With sushi stuffed in 'em!"

And off she ran — sloooooowly, one painful trudging step at a time.

"This is why I don't like telling the complete truth, dumbass," Homura grumbled at the writer. "Because no one ever believes me."

"Believes you about what?" said Kyouko, sauntering in. "That Pink Twintails is gay? Hell, I wouldn't buy that crap either. But I would buy that you're gay, though," she grinned.

Homura whipped out a grenade and detonated it in Kyouko's face. When the flash cleared, Homura was gone, and from somewhere on the floor Kyouko stamped her heel and said "Fuck."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Two guys in orange jumpsuits and white ball caps sat whining about women in a darkened train car late at night. Nearby, slouching Sayaka overheard.

"Yeeeah, every now and then I gotta shut 'er up by puttin' my Morning Lescue between her lips, if you know what I mean," said one. "She gets off on that shit, though, 'cuz I'm so tangy and refreshing."

"Bro-fuckin'-fist, my man," said the other. They touched their juicy fists.

"Hey, tell me more about her."

The guys looked up. Sayaka stood darkly before them.

"Huh?"

"The woman you were just talking about. Tell me more about her."

"Well, she's about medium height, slim, long straight hair, C-cup tits, cute ass, and...wait, why the fuck am I telling you?"

"Why was I fighting?" Sayaka murmured. "Tell me. I'm ordering you to tell me right now. If you don't, I'll..."

Horrid scratches crawled forth from her ring and began to spread all over her body. The two guys were frozen, dumbstruck...

...When suddenly, a polite whistle blew from one end of the car. Sayaka's awful transformation halted midway, and the three of them turned to see a smiling, uniformed line attendant addressing them.

"All passengers should please pay attention to the posted rules to ensure a pleasant ride for everyone," the line attendant said. He pointed to a nearby sign above their heads which clearly read: "No Magical Transformations — Good, Evil, Or Otherwise — Allowed In Main Cars".

"If you would like to continue your magical activities, then please be considerate of others and continue them in the standing area between cars," the line attendant finished pleasantly.

"Sorry," Sayaka and the guys all said together. And so like good, polite Japanese citizens, the three of them filed out of the main car to a small area between. Once there, Sayaka's horrid scratches unhalted and took over the rest of her body, and the two guys were viciously mahou-fucked off camera.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Elsewhere, Madoka opened a random mailbox and peered inside.

"Sayaka-chan...where are you?"

No luck. She shut the box and carried on.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"You humans make the snazziest fountains..."

Kyuubey stared fixedly at the brilliantly colored streams arcing from the plaza's kickass fountain. Madoka was not amused. It was late, she was worried, and getting pissed at Kyuubey's general lack of empathy.

"Kyuubey. Change Sayaka-chan back to normal," she said firmly.

"Sorry. Can't do that. But _you_ could. If ya make a wish and become the world's most powerful magical girl, that is..."

Sick of Kyuubey's bullshit, Madoka finally fired up a few brain cells and composed the following response:

"All right, then. I wish for Sayaka-chan to be returned back to normal and for me not to have my soul pulled out of my body and not to become a magical girl as a result of my wish. I also wish for Mami-san to be brought back to life, but not as a magical girl — I want her brought back as an ordinary girl like Sayaka-chan, Hitomi-chan, and myself, who just goes to school every day like we do, and for all of us to live simple, ordinary lives where nothing magical or unusual ever happens...and for you to never bother any of us ever again."

"Er...I just told ya I can't return Sayaka back to normal..."

"I thought you said any miracle was possible," Madoka sneered. "Wasn't that what you told us in the beginning, when we were all sitting around Mami-san's table?"

"Yeah, but, the Soul Gem...you still gotta—"

"So you _can't_ make any miracle happen then, is that it? Or maybe you just _won't_. Either way, that settles it. You're nothing but a fraud."

"But...h-hold on a—"

"Just go away. I'm not going to make a contract with a fraud like you," Madoka frowned.

A soft clapping broke through the night air as Homura stepped onto the scene.

"Well said, Kaname Madoka. Now I won't need to resort to using this if he tried to seduce you into contracting with him." She held up the pistol in her hand.

"Homura-chan..."

Homura glared coldly at Kyuubey. Without warning, she suddenly blew off his head anyway. Madoka flinched at the bang and the blood-sploot.

"Ho-Homura-chan! I thought you said...!"

"I changed my mind. He was a fucker, anyhow." She put a hand to Madoka's shoulder. "Now please, go home. Forget about Miki Sayaka. It's too late for her. Do not get any more involved in all of this."

"But...I can't just—"

Suddenly, Madoka froze. Something clicked in her brain...a faint trace of memory from somewhere beyond the reaches of all she knew.

Disquieted, Madoka looked down at Homura's clothes...only to realize that somehow, some way, she had the strange notion that she knew exactly what Homura's naked body looked like beneath those clothes.

"Homura-chan...have we...?"

And bedsheets. Something about pink, luxurious silken bedsheets...

"Have we had...⁇"

But she couldn't bring herself to spit out the word 'sex'. Instead she backed away slowly from Homura, then picked up her bag.

"I'm sorry...I need to look for Sayaka-chan..." She turned and hurried away.

Homura traipsed after her. "...Why? Why do you always sacrifice yourself⁉ How come you don't realize there are people who would be sad if they—"

In her haste, Homura suddenly tripped. Instinctively she reached her hands out for something to hold onto — Madoka's skirt. Moments later, both her face and the skirt smacked walkway. Madoka suddenly felt rather breezy.

"HO-HO-HO-HO-HOMURA-CHAN!"

Realizing what she'd done, Homura quickly looked up, jumping at the opportunity to have herself a delicious peek at Madoka's cotton whites. Madoka grabbed her skirt and frantically hiked it back up, all the while feeling Homura's lusting eyes dead on her crotch.

"Pervert! You PERVERT‼"

Madoka fled. Homura snapped back to her senses, feeling a bit squishier.

"Wait! Madoka!"

But it was no use. Madoka was gone.

"You know it's pointless trying," another Kyuubey's voice spoke from atop a wrought iron fence. "There are plenty of replacements, but it's still annoying when—"

Homura instantly blew the second Kyuubey's head off also. Kyuubey's rings flipped goofily in the air before they tinked onto the walkway.

"Will you cut that out⁈" a third Kyuubey said, stepping out from behind a lamp post. Two jiffies later, blood spattered the walkway as his head went blam, too.

"Can't we talk like civilized—" a fourth Kyuubey said, just before a fourth head went blam.

"Okay, I understand you're a little upset—" Fifth Kyuubey. Blam.

"I can do this longer than you caaan⁓❤" Blam.

"Sniff my groin!" Blam.

"At least I earned that last one—" Blam.

Soon the plaza was littered with dead Kyuubeys. And Homura was out of ammo.

Nth-Kyuubey surveyed the scene. "Well, shit. Stomach, you got your work cut out for ya." He commenced chowing down on all the fluffy corpses.

"Incubators sure are disgusting," Homura spat, walking off.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Kyouko recoiled at the sight of Sayaka's corrupted gem. It pained her just to look at it.

"Someone has to be cursed to balance out a wish for someone else's happiness," Sayaka said in a voice devoid of life. "That's how we magical girls work."

Kyouko quickly plucked the gem out of Sayaka's hand. "Don't be stupid! Let me show you how we magical girls are _supposed_ to work!"

She got to her feet and fished through a pocket, bringing out a Grief Seed. "I still have this from your last witch fight, you know! Just hang on!"

Kyouko put the Grief Seed alongside Sayaka's gem. It pulled out a puff of black smoke. Sayaka's soul brightened only a little, but it was enough for Kyouko to see a change in Sayaka's demeanor.

"Wh...What's happening to me?" Sayaka whimpered. She looked to Kyouko. "...What have I...?"

Kyouko was relieved. Sayaka appeared to be recovering a bit of her humanity. With some help and some caring-after, Sayaka would recover, Kyouko was sure.

Then the gem darkened to its worst once more. Kyouko gasped...and Sayaka's voice went dead again.

"Yeah. I know what's happened to me. Because I..._hurt_ people today. For no reason other than I hated them and their Morning Lescue jumpsuits. I'm really a..."

Kyouko gritted her teeth and gave the Soul Gem another hit of Grief Seed. It brightened once again, barely.

"Kyouko...I did something terrible today," Sayaka wailed, her voice a bit livelier again. "Are the police gonna come after me?"

But the gem only darkened again.

"Even if they did..." Sayaka said emptily, "...I would just _hurt_ them too. Because I don't know who or what I'm fighting anymore...and I don't care..."

_This one's too tainted now,_ Kyouko thought, tossing the Grief Seed aside. _Though luckily I've got another Grief Seed on me somewhere._

Yup. 'Luckily.'

She brought out another Grief Seed from her pockets and juiced Sayaka's soul a third time. Sayaka appeared to recover slightly just as before...only to fall back into black despair. Kyouko tried again...and then chanced a third try with the same Grief Seed, sweating and desperate. Sayaka's soul only rose and sank, rose and sank...

"Stop doing that already!" Sayaka finally sobbed, struggling to her feet. "I can't stand the emotional rollercoaster, goddammit‼"

She staggered toward Kyouko, reaching for her gem. Kyouko closed her fist about it and pulled it away.

"No! You need help before y—"

Yet Kyouko gripped the fragile gem just a squeeze too hard. It cracked, crumpled, then shattered in her hand. Kyouko's eyes bugged.

"Woops...!"

And so the train station's interior exploded with tragic rushing wind, Kyouko was blown away, and the soul that was once Miki Sayaka fell away into nothingness, leaving behind only a twisted, hideous witch. And other sad, depressing shit like that. Thanks heaps, Kyouko.

"SAYAKAAAA! I'M SORRYYYYY!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Atop a crane, Kyuubey #50382 watched the sight.

"Oooo, looky! A new witch is being born! Welp, time to fap to it⁓❤" He laid back and put paw to crotch.

— Ep 08 End —

* * *

><p>p.s.<p>

i was kinda disappointed that sparx never caught on.

anon1: heh, i still haven't finished higurashi yet. yeah, i'm late to the party.

chiptune: porn is never necessary. porn is just...wait, since when does this fic actually have a plot? (herp to the derp)

sici: for some reason i'm now reminded of a certain guro happysex pic of sayaka and kyousuke...

anon2: other forums where i've posted fanfics, perhaps. it'd be a pretty awesome coincidence, if so.


	9. Ep 09

— Ep 09 —

Oktavia's magicky maze certainly had a lot of weird shit in it as far as Kyouko was concerned. Yet she never would have expected to see something in there that would have made her squeal like a moeblob in sheer delight.

"STEAM ENGINES!" she bubbled happily, dropping the Sayaka she had been clinging to so dearly. The long wail of an olde-tyme train whistle played knick-knack on the shamisen of her soul as Sayaka hit the floor with a ka-thud.

"I've always wanted a steam engine train set of my very own! Ever since I was a little girl!" Kyouko glittered. Then with a sprinkle of mahou, she plucked a train engineer's hat out of thin air and plopped it on her head.

"Choo-Choooooo!" she blew, pulling down on an imaginary whistle cord.

Thankfully, Homura flew into this embarrassingly bad scene, swooped up to Kyouko and thwapped her across the schnozz.

"Will you quit OOC'ing and hold my hand⁉" Homura snapped. "We're getting out of here!"

Kyouko snatched the hat off her head and stuffed it out of sight. "No way! If there's any girl whose hand I'm gonna hold, it's gonna be Sayaka!" She scooped up her beloved blue sack of potatoes and clutched a Sayaka hand to her breastises.

"Lookit. I know how you feel. Really. Kaname Madoka is the only girl for me, as far as hand-holding goes. But if you want to make a quick escape with that bag of unsexy girl meats, then gimme your hand."

Homura stuck out her paw.

"Don't call her unsexy!" Kyouko blurted, gripping Homura's hand. Homura then hit the time-brakes and all went strange and stupid.

"At least my Sayaka has tits!" Kyouko griped as they fled, hand in hand. "Unlike your Pinkhair washboard girl! Has she even hit puberty yet? And since when does someone like you say, 'lookit'? Who's OOC'ing now⁇ You think you're so clever with your metafic comments 'n' shit—"

Homura threw down Kyouko's hand. Kyouko froze, mid-bellow, and Homura spent the next three minutes calmly chewing up several packs' worth of bubble gum and stuffing the softened pieces into Kyouko's wide open yap. She then casually took Kyouko's hand and they picked up from where they left off.

"Mfhblfmgbf!" Kyouko subsequently expounded.

_Ahh...sweet peace...I'm sure glad my Madoka isn't such a loudmouth..._ thought Homura; Kyouko, meanwhile, blew many accidental bubbles as she puffed and wheezed, trying to blow the wad out of her mouth.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Speaking of blowing wads, somewhere over the rainbow Kyousuke was just about to blow his as Hitomi sat before him, giving him his very first footjob. Still in her school uniform and stockings but with her lacy green panties pulled down past her knees, she lightly stroked herself for him to see, though she really wasn't all that into it.

_I've been training myself for weeks on how to take a guy's manhood into my mouth to prepare for this moment__...and THIS is what he wants?_ Hitomi sighed inwardly. She couldn't help feeling a tad let down.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

With bits of bubblegum still stuck to her face, Kyouko wordlessly set down Sayaka's body on the train tracks before Madoka. Homura gave Madoka the awful explanation with about as much emotion as though she were reading the list of ingredients off a bag of Doritos. Madoka's stomach felt like Alpo-vomit.

"...You're joking...right? ...Right?"

"Nope. She's dead," said Homura. "Dead as a doornail. Dead as a doorknob. Dead as a—"

Kyouko's fist smashed Homura on the nose.

"How dare you talk like that! She's her best friend!"

Homura merely blinked a few times.

"...Doorstop," she said finally.

Kyouko lunged, but only grabbed empty air. Homura reappeared behind her and gazed emotionlessly at Madoka, blood dripping from a nostril. Madoka sank to the ground.

"...This can't be...she only wanted to protect...so why did it end up like...?"

"Well I haven't given up on her yet," Kyouko declared with manly boldness. "I say she's not dead so long as we still have her body in one piece and know where to find the witch."

By the way, kiddies. It's not a good idea to stand in the middle of train tracks late at night where a train could come barrelling through at any given moment. Just so you know.

A rumble of wheels, a blare of sound and lights, and the three girls suddenly found themselves right in the path of an onrushing train. They all dodged with barely moments to spare amidst general shouts of panic and alarm (with the question of who bellowed what left as an exercise for the reader)—

"ZOMG!"

"LOOK OUT!"

"GUCK!"

Poor Sayaka's body, on the other hand...

"SAYAKA‼" Kyouko cried.

Kyouko heard the dull thunking and squishing noises of Sayaka being cut apart under the wheels.

"Sa...Sa...Sayaka...chan...?" Madoka murmured in shock.

Madoka thought she could see Sayaka bits scattered about on the tracks as the train roared past.

"Huh. Got smashed by a train this time. That's a new one," Homura said to herself.

Homura nonchalantly checked the time on her cell phone.

The train finally passed. Kyouko had ended up by herself on one side of the track, Madoka and Homura on the other. Slowly Kyouko crossed the track and joined the two, unable to keep her eyes off the bloody mess where Sayaka had been. Madoka had been right. A few body parts remained. Most of Sayaka, though, had been swept away.

Kyouko couldn't say anything.

Madoka couldn't say anything.

So good ol' Homura decided to say something.

"_Now_ do you give up, Sakura Kyouko? She's pretty dead now, I'd say."

Ain't she a peach?

But Kyouko was still too WTF'd to deliver a fiery retort. Her voice came out hollow.

"I'm mentally kicking you in the cunt right now," was all she said.

It was right about then that Madoka began giggling uncontrollably like a happy pink twintails with crazy eyes. Basket case time, people.

"Ehehehehehehehehehehehe...Ahahahahahahahahaha! I can't take it anymore, ahahahahaha! Magical girls...contracts...witches...Soul Gems...Grief Seeds...it's all so terrible, ahahahahahaha! Hey, Kyuubey! Mr. Dead Kyuubey! I wanna make a contract now. I wish for zqfmgb! Ahahahahahahaha! Zqfmgb, with a biiiig squeedlysquootch on top! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA‼"

Homura rolled her eyes. "Will somebody snap her out of it?"

"You snap her out of it. She's YOUR boyfriend," Kyouko said.

"Ehehehehehehe...My best friend...my best friend is dead, ahahahaha!" — here Madoka snorted loudly as she breathed in — "...and then, and then, she got run over by a train too! Eheeheeheeheehee! It's just too cruel, ahahahahahaha! And Mami-san is dead...and Kyuubey is dead...and my virginity is dead...everything's dead, dead, dead! Ahahahahahahahahahahaha‼"

Homura felt a sudden rush of dread. She hopped up to Madoka and smacked her across the twintails, then grabbed and shook her shoulders.

"What do you mean your virginity is dead⁇ When did THIS happen⁈"

For shame, Homu. Losing your cool and hitting a traumatized and emotionally fragile girl. You deserve to watch her face slowly turn from wacky giggles to heartbroken anguish while her eyes overflow with tears.

"UWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Kyouko frowned at the confuzzled Homura. "That's domestic abuse, you know," she spat.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Yeah. _Guck_.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Three a.m.

Madoka sitting on the bed in her pajamas, her knees drawn up to her chest.

Madoka's labia majora pressed snugly against her pajama bottoms, clearly outlined between her legs.

Or so you might have wished.

Because you know your eyes checked her crotch during that scene in the show, but there was nothing to see.

Madoka had scarcely moved since she'd first sat on the bed. She'd gone past all thought, past all feeling. Nothing but a numb emptiness remained in that solemn hour of her grieving.

The last thing she needed at that moment was a fucking 4chan meme, but lo, in the next few jiffies she heard a familiar sound effect coming from her parents' bedroom, followed by her mother talking in a squeaky voice.

POMF =3

"Wah! What are we gonna do on the bed?"

"Oh god, not now..." Madoka croaked. She sunk her head lower as she put her hands to her ears as usual, not eager to hear any more of her mother's bedroom vocalizations.

_Why doesn't Mama realize she's way too old for that stupid routine?_ she thought bitterly.

_You humans sure have needlessly complicated mating rituals,_ said Kyuubey, barging into her thoughts. _Back on my planet, if we want to mate, all we have to do is exchange a pre-secreted sample of genetic material, spread it on a cracker, then chomp — down the hatch. Our spiffy bodies take care of the rest. No muss, no fuss._

"So you're not dead," Madoka said wearily. "What are you?"

Kyuubey then gave her his technospiel. Entropy, thermodynamics, aliens, wave-particle duality, quantum mechanics, M-theory, emotions, young girls, their clitorises, and his grandpappy's old porn collection of genetic material on crackers in a nondescript box in the basement. Okay, so he didn't really talk about M-theory.

Madoka listened with despair to Kyuubey's happy chatter about milking young girls for their tender emotions as though they were merely farm animals. "If that's the way you think," she said coldly when Kyuubey finished, "then you really are our enemy. And don't EVER talk about my clitoris again."

"Aww. But doesn't stroking it do your soul some good? I've heard that for humans there's a strong connection between—"

"Soul? What soul. There is no soul."

"Um...huh?"

"What you call a 'soul' is only the electrical impulses firing off in our brains. That's all that we really are. Our thoughts, our emotions, our feelings, our personalities...it's all just a bunch of electric pulses in our heads. I learned that in Natural Science class the other day."

Kyuubey puffed. "Oh yeah? Well if you don't have a soul, then how come I can rip pretty little Soul Gems out of your bodies, eh? Explain that."

Madoka looked at Kyuubey with eyes deader than a dried-up squid girl washed up on some beach.

"And what happens when you emotionless whatever-you-ares try to do that to yourselves? What do you rip out of your own bodies?"

"About a quarter pound of moldy cheese," Kyuubey answered without missing a beat.

"Figures."

"And then the one from whom it was pulled dies soon after. So, yeah, we don't do that."

"So you use your 'technology' to kill us, instead," Madoka muttered. "By the way, since our emotions come from electric impulses...and since those electric impulses are made by our bodies...and since our bodies make energy from the food we eat...and since the food we eat comes from our world and the farms where we grow our food...then it's just like burning wood at a campfire. Like you'd said earlier. It's just converting energy from one form to another. So there's no way our 'emotional energy' can be greater than the energy we put into our bodies from eating. That's why your theory is bullshit. We are nothing but the food we eat and the electric pulses running around inside our heads."

"Sheesh, Madoka. That's pretty depressing and naturalistic for a girl like you. You keep thinking thoughts like that and you're gonna end up with a curse in your soul before you ever contract with me! C'mon, lighten up!"

"Sayaka-chan is dead...Mami-san is dead...and you want me to lighten up!⁇"

Kyuubey sighed again and pulled out a field manual — one of those cheap stapled-together foldover jobs that would be an insult to pay good money for. He then began thumbing through its tagged and dog-eared pages, paying no mind to the fact that he didn't even have thumbs to begin with. Dohoho. Madoka could clearly read the words, "Dealing With Emotional Energy Resources" written in Japanese on the front cover. She glared.

"Ah, yes. I keep forgetting about that whole friendship thing. Heh, what a concept," Kyuubey chirped as he clapped the manual shut.

"How come that book's in Japanese? Shouldn't it be in your own stupid alien language or whatever?"

Kyuubey did his best Asahina impression as he winked and said, "That's classified information."

Madoka promptly bashed him in the face for the lame-ass reference.

"Boof!"

"Just go away," she said wretchedly, sounding like a broken little girl who'd been raped by Santa Claus.

Kyuubey picked his face up off the floor and flipped again through the manual, muttering to himself.

"Hm. I think I saw a list of Plan B suggestions in here somewhere. Aha."

Next thing Madoka knew, Kyuubey had handily hauled out a small table setting of tea and cake from the cubbyhole on his back and spread it on the floor before them.

"Say, Madoka!" he said brightly. "Wanna be my friend? Lookie! I even brought us some yummy tea and cake to share!"

Tea and cake.

The words only reminded Madoka of one thing now. A certain apartment. Where a certain girl with a certain nice rack had once lived. Around whose table a certain discussion was had...and a certain soulfuck of a magical girl tale had begun alongside a serving of...

Tea and cake.

Madoka whimpered a sound of despair—

"_Heebeebeebee..._"

—as she crumpled herself, feeling stabbed through her soul by a six-pack of Urobuchis.

"Madoka? Yoo-hoo, Madoka~"

Madoka said nothing.

"Pfff. Fucking bureaucrats and their stupid-ass ideas," Kyuubey snorted, stuffing the manual roughly back into his cubbyhole. He then hopped up and out of Madoka's room and farted off into the night.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Kyuubey reappeared briefly beneath the pale lamps next to a small fast food joint that was now closed for the day — a hot dog stand with the name "Mitakihara Meatsticks" plastered in big bold kanji and katakana on a large sign across the top (the place was notorious for their Shota Weenies, a four-pack of mini-dogs smothered in white sauce). Squirting some weird alien juice that bore an uncanny resemblance to Morning Rescue out from his crotch, Kyuubey pissed a circle mark on Madoka's face — well, the image of her face anyway — printed out on a small checklist he held in his paws. He then glanced at the next face on his list.

"Heh. Time to go fuck with Kyouko next," he said greasily, giving her picture a quick slimy lick before pocketing the list and farting himself away.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Yet it was Kyuubey who felt fucked with as he took in the nauseating scene at Kyouko's hotel room. Sayaka was on the bed, or what was left of her. Painstakingly reassembled by Kyouko from all the body parts she could find on the tracks in the darkness of the night. Many pieces of Sayaka were still missing — her left elbow, an ear, several ribs, most of her right foot, a shoulder, four fingers, a hip joint and half of a butt cheek for starters — but Kyouko had done the best she could to make Sayaka look somewhat recognizable. Blood and gore stained the bed beyond sudsy redemption, and Kyouko's arms were up to her elbows in red. It had been a true labor of love.

Kyouko snacked on a hamburger as she took a break, standing beside the bed and looking over her handiwork. Kyuubey averted his eyes with a paw.

"Yeesh. How can you eat while looking at that? At least wash your hands or something."

Kyouko saw no need. This was her beloved Sayaka's blood. To Kyouko, her hands were still pure and clean.

"Say...is there a way to get her Soul Gem back?"

"Not that I know of. But you magicky girls defy logic 'n' stuff. I wouldn't be surprised if you could actually pull off some crazy shit like that. And you can believe me when I tell you so, 'cause where I come from, we don't have emotions, and so we are 100% incapable of deception!"

Kyouko whipped her spear into a chain and bashed Kyuubey hard enough to put him in the hospital for three months. Kyuubey slammed into a wall.

"MRRYYYEEOOOWWWW!"

He then blopped to the floor like a blob of white cheddar Easy Cheese.

"Dammit! That hurt!"

"For a stuffed toy with no emotions you sound pretty pissed," Kyouko said. "Meh, fuck it. I'll try to save her anyway. Somebody's gotta keep hope alive in all this shit."

She took another meaty bite as she looked over the tattered Sayaka again. She swallowed, then sighed.

_Sure hope I can restore her body, too,_ she thought. _...I've got to get her vag back, or she and I will never be able to..._

◕ ‿‿ ◕

The next morning on her way to school, Madoka found herself having to listen to Hitomi's ero-filled chattering about her first night with Kyousuke. Footjobs, breastjobs, hairjobs, neckjobs, armpitjobs, nostriljobs, behind-the-ear-jobs...Madoka politely listened, but honestly, she just wished Hitomi would shut the hell up. She already felt pukey from lack of sleep and the last thing she wanted to hear about was Kyousuke rubbing his penis all over Hitomi's body parts.

"He certainly has a lot of weird fetishes," Hitomi sighed. "Of course, he couldn't go all the way up my nose, but he was able to go in farther than you'd think...he's kinda small, ehehehe. It's so cute! And using some lotion helped too, but it was kinda hard to wash everything out afterwards...er, excuse me..." She pulled out yet another tissue and blew her nose in public for the fourth time that morning.

"Gross," came a girl's burly voice from somewhere ahead of them.

Madoka said, "Eh?"

Hitomi said, "Ara?"

Some salaryman's butt down the street said, "Thbbtt?"

The girls looked up to see Kyouko standing in their path. Madoka blinked twice when she saw that Kyouko had put Sayaka's yellow hair clippies in her hair, in exactly the same manner as Sayaka always had. She couldn't decide whether to think of that as a sweet gesture done in Sayaka's honor...or as fucking creepy pilfering of her dead friend's hair accessories.

In the next two seconds, however, Kyouko strode up to them and slugged Hitomi right on her fuckable nostrils. Hitomi fell down and went boom. Madoka yelped.

"Eek!"

Kyouko grabbed Madoka's hand and booked, forcing Madoka to stumble along in tow. "Don't 'Eek' me!" Kyouko blared. "I just did what half the fans of this show only wished they could do! Now c'mon, today's no day to be wasting your time at school! Come and help me rescue my sweet cheeks — I-I-I-I mean your friend!"

_Nobody even asked me if I wanted to be in this anime..._ Madoka whined to herself as she was dragged along.

Shut up, Mado. You're already the main character of one of the best and most popular shows in years, so quit your griping and go get naked in some more doujins for your adoring fans already.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Later that afternoon, as Madoka and Kyouko were groovin' on down beneath an overpass...

"You didn't have to hit Hitomi-chan, by the way," Madoka pouted.

"Actually, yeah, I did. I hate green things," said Kyouko, mouth half-full of dango.

Madoka thought for a moment. Her ribbons gave a girly twitch.

"Then do you hate green tea, too?"

"Eh? Er, well, no..."

"Or green tea Pocky?"

"Er, well, no..."

"What about green jelly beans?"

Kyouko swallowed.

"Okay, fine. I just hated that girl, okay? Because everyone knows what she did to Sayaka, and what happened to Sayaka as a result!"

Madoka dropped her pout and threw her tenderhearted nature into gear. Though she forgot to press the clutch. She coughed and jolted before speaking. Le Hurr.

"I thought it was because of how you were mean to Sayaka-chan in the beginning. If you had just tried to be friends with her instead of fighting, I don't think Sayaka-chan would have ended up thinking that everyone was against her."

"And how is that my fault?"

"It may not have been your fault, because Sayaka-chan is Sayaka-chan. But...you've changed now, haven't you? When you think back on it now...was there ever a reason to fight with her?"

Kyouko began to get flustered. If she'd had feathers, they'd have been — flustered.

"Well...I didn't feel like we were on the same side until I found out about the whole zombie thing! It's like...after that...things were different, you know⁉"

"But...you were both magical girls. You were always on the same side," Madoka said gently.

Gently, like the wise man whose words no one could refute...yet everyone still wanted to punch in the face anyway for being so damn smarmy.

Kyouko gritted her teeth but kept her fists in check. Instead, on a hunch, she pulled out a box of strawberry Pocky from behind her back. She held it out to Madoka.

"Want some?"

Madoka eyed the box. Her face lit up like Christmas.

"Really? For me⁇ I-Is it really okay?"

After seeing the yeah-of-course-it's-okay-stupidhead look on Kyouko's face, Madoka generously thanked her and took the box. Moments later she was happily munching away on fattening biscuit stick. Strawberry Pocky was her favorite, not the least of reasons for which being that they were pink.

Kyouko grinned to herself and reveled in the golden silence that followed. At least the Pocky had shut Madoka up.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Madoka and Kyouko stared at the grinning fishy-tailed horror that was once Sayaka.

_It's so creepy..._ thought Madoka, shivering.

_It's so phuncky..._ thought Kyouko, feeling a burp coming on.

"Alright, the Kyouko Survival Timer's already started, Kyuubeys. All bets are closed," a Kyuubey sporting a green gambling visor called to half a dozen of his compatriots as they watched the action from a hidden magicky space nearby. Piles of rare and valuable Grief Seeds were spread out amongst them.

"Hey, how come we're not betting on Madoka?" another Kyuubey observed. "She could get killed more easily than Kyouko."

"Madoka's not gonna get killed, dumbshit," a third one said. "Homura's already waiting on the sidelines to save her ass once Kyouko bites it."

The second Kyuubey craned his neck over to the side and, indeed, spotted Homura a short distance away. "Oh yeah..."

"Wait, Kyouko's gonna bite Madoka's ass? I'd like ta see that!" piped yet another.

"Shut up."

Kyouko strode forward and called out to her beloved. "Sayaka! I'm sorry I was such a bitch to you! Can we just kiss and make up and have us some hot forgiveness sex⁉"

Oktavia bashed her flat with an armored fist.

"Kyouko-chan!"

Madoka could hear Kyouko's muffled barking coming from within the new dent in the floor.

"I'm perfectly fine — just start talking to her!"

"Damn!" griped a Kyuubey who'd put bets on Kyouko being killed in the first 60 seconds.

Kyouko shoved her way out from beneath Oktavia-knuckle and raised a barrier in front of Madoka, while Madoka raised her sweet, mushy voice.

"Sayaka-chan! Can you hear me? It's me, Madoka. Do you remember me? Please remember..."

Madoka got a sudden inspiration. Jogging memories by recalling happy times together always worked in the movies...

"Remember all the things we've done together? Like the other day at the restaurant? We were snorting milk out of our noses from laughing so much and it grossed Hitomi out and she almost threw up at the table...and then you laughed so hard that you peed your panties, and I walked you home and you smelled like pee the whole way? Er, well...maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that part..."

"Or-or what about the time you spent the night at my house? And we ended up taking a bath together and you were like, 'Wah! Your pubes are pink!' and I was like, 'Well, yours are blue'...and then we spread our legs and compared each other's girl parts and...um, I mean...that is..."

Madoka caught Kyouko giving her very odd looks in the midst of dodging Oktavia's spoked wheelies.

"Or what about the time when I showed you my Mama's dildo collection? And then you wanted to try one so we sneaked one out, and we ended up taking turns with it in my roo — er, um...well..."

Kyouko scowled, flush-faced, at Madoka. "Don't you have any memories of your friendship that won't make me jealous⁈" she blasted while holding off a wheelie grinding on her spear.

Madoka focused her brain juice. "Ummmm! Oh yeah! Jumbo-sized Pocky sticks! Oh, no wait..."

"When we made Valentine's Day chocolate together! Oh, no wait..."

"The day of the opening ceremony at the shoe lockers! Oh, no wait...!"

Madoka cringed more with each, 'Oh, no wait', but Kyouko had no time to ponder how in the fuck Sayaka and Madoka could make a perverted memory around a bunch of shoe lockers. A wheelie blindsided her and she was dashed to the floor. Her battle skirt flew high and Madoka glimpsed the cutest little taiyaki designs printed on the panties hugging her butt.

"Kyouko-chan!"

"We shoulda placed bets on how many times Madoka would say, 'Kyouko-chan!'" another Kyuubey mused, falsetto-ing the 'Kyouko-chan!' bit.

Kyouko got spanked around by Oktavia some more, finally crashing into her own barrier, which fell apart. Oktavia grabbed Madoka next.

"Wah!"

Madoka was lifted right up to Oktavia's horrible face, then turned upside down. She could hear animalistic snuffling sounds as Oktavia appeared to be inspecting and sniffing her crotch.

"Sa-Sa-Sayaka-chan! What are you doing⁇"

Kyouko struggled to her feet. "Hey! I'm right HERE, Sayaka!" she blared, standing with her legs spread wide and pushing her pelvis forward. "Ah well. At least maybe she'll recognize your vagina odors..."

Madoka kicked her legs uselessly. "I don't want her to recognize my odors — AAAAHHHH‼"

Oktavia's grip tightened around squishy little Madoka. Kyouko's face went 'Grrr!' as she leapt to Madoka's morning rescue, lopping off an armored arm. Buttloads of Blue Hawaii gushed out from the stump.

"Geh! Shitty Blue Hawaii artificial flavoring!" Kyouko bellowed for no real reason.

"Sez you," said the bookie Kyuubey, who was sucking down a cup of Blue Hawaii on shaved ice.

Oktavia bashed the floor open with her crabby blade, and the three of them fell through. As they fell, Kyouko suddenly felt led to pray for the first time in years...

"I beg you, God...My life sucked. Let me have a happy dr—"

"Oh no! MADOKA‼" Homura screeched from behind her. Homura had leapt from the shadows to save the plummeting twintails, only to fumble her catch at the critical moment. Madoka smacked the floor with a crunchy thud.

Her heartfelt prayer rudely interrupted, Kyouko facepalmed as she and Homura touched down. Teary-eyed Homura rushed over to scoop up the Madoka-splat in her arms.

"Who would've thought you of all people could be such a butterfingers?" Kyouko groaned. "Well anyway...take care of her. I made her go along with my idiocy...etc yesy etc..."

Kyouko swept the black ribbon out of her hair and knelt down on her knees. Which is how most people kneel in the first place. Kids, don't write like this at home.

"Go," Kyouko said. "I'll take care of her."

And so, Butterfingers Homura hoofed it out of Oktavia's digs, carrying Madoka and hoping not to drop her a second time as she ran to—

"Shut up! I'm not a butterfingers!" Homura snarled at the narrator, right before stumbling on a loose rock.

Kyouko, meanwhile, said her final prayers and blasted herself and Sayakacchi sky high with the juice of her soul. Bookie Kyuubey turned to the others, all a-smug in his eyeballs.

"Well this makes things interesting. Kyouko killed herself in the end. But all of you guys were betting on how long she would last before the witch killed her. So, technically speaking...all of you lost your bets."

Half a dozen Kyuubeys flared up in fluffy indignation amidst general cries of "WHAT⁉" and "Like hell‼" and "No! You're not pullin' that shit!" and thingies like that.

To which Bookie Kyuubey merely blathered, "Sorry gents, them's me rules. Better luck next time." Two-tenths of a second later Bookie swooped up his profits and vanished in a fart of sparkly.

"After him‼"

"Yeah, we can do that too, foo'!"

They likewise farted themselves away and gave wacky magical chase. Homura found herself humming a Beatles love song for some reason as she whisked Madoka away...

◕ ‿‿ ◕

...back to the Homu Cave.

Homura sat in her living room, staring dejectedly down at the still-warm panties bunched in her hand. You shouldn't need to be told where she'd just gotten them from.

Soon, Kyuubey made an unwelcome appearance, intruding upon Homura's sad panty-gazing, a green gambling visor parked crookedly on his head.

"Whew! That was close," yapped Kyuubey. "Say Homura, did I miss anything?"

Homura raised a Smith & Wesson and shot him in the head, right through the visor.

She never even took her eyes off the panties.

Whatta gal.

"I will never let Madoka become a magical girl..." she murmured, absentmindedly rubbing a light crotch stain with her pinkie.

— Ep 09 End —

* * *

><p>p.s.<p>

wow, this sucked. so did ep 08. they just weren't as funny to me upon re-reading while cleaning them up for FF. i blame it on being burnt out by this point in the season.


	10. Ep 10

a/n: finally releasing ep 10 to the internets. never posted this on 4chan because (a) it's FUCKING LONG, and (b) madoka was over before i was finished with the draft, so, well, timing.

* * *

><p>— Ep 10 —<p>

"U...Um...I-I'm Akemi...Homura..."

Shy, twinbraids Homura stood fidgeting before the class, more nervous than a camera-shy Ume-sensei surrounded by a pack of fat otaku all holding their cells out and trying to take her picture. She wished she'd thought to go pee before coming to be introduced to her new class. A few minutes earlier the feeling in her bladder had been tolerable, but now she had to go badly.

_I hope Sensei will let me be excused just for a couple of minutes, even though I just got here,_ she thought, fumbling with her bag while Kazuko fell into a rant:

"Akemi-san was in the hospital for a long time due to problems with her heart. Hmph...it sure would be wonderful if hospitals could cure more than just physical problems with the heart, wouldn't it, class? I know a few certain individuals who could sure use a lengthy hospital stay to cure their heart problems...!"

Relax. That wasn't meant to be funny. The whole class cringed with Not-This-Shit-Again expressions on their faces as Kazuko blathered on. Half the kids (including Sayaka) wanted to shoot themselves in the head to put themselves out of Kazuko's misery. The other half (including Madoka and Hitomi), more wisely, just wanted to shoot Kazuko.

Meanwhile, Homura was trying to keep herself from doing the Pee Dance. _I don't think I can hold it until break...it's almost coming out as it is...!_

A momentary pause in Kazuko's yapping prompted Homura to ask for relief.

"Um, Sensei—"

"So everyone, make sure you help Akemi-san out, okay?" Kazuko said heartily, giving Homura a final thump on the back — hard.

"Wah!"

Not only did that make Homura stumble, but also the shock of being suddenly thwacked by the teacher gave her urethral sphincter the heebie-jeebies, and the next thing everyone in the classroom heard was the soothing, meditative sound of a golden Japanese waterfall splashing onto the floor.

"Oh no!" cried Homura.

"Oh my!" cried Kazuko.

"Oh shit!" cried the boy sitting closest to Homura, picking his feet up off the floor and backing away in his seat.

"Oh god that's hot‼" cried Sayaka, rising in her seat and sprouting a nosebleed.

Most of the class let out cries of general shock and alarm while a few perverts (including Sayaka) clapped and cheered her on. Homura cowered and hid her face, trying to stop the flow. In the end it was Madoka who came to her rescue that morning, offering to take her to the nurse's office to get her cleaned up.

Huh. Guess that would make it a Morning R—

Nah...won't say it. Too derpy.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"My name is Kaname Madoka, but you can call me Madoka," she said cheerfully as she led Homura down the hall. "May I call you Homura-chan?"

Tearful Homura waddled uncomfortably along, soaked to the loins. She was sure she stunk, too. She was correct.

"I...haven't been called by my first name very much..._snif_...It's a really weird name..." she said through sobs. She clutched the handkerchief Madoka had lent her, recalling Madoka's comforting "There, there" words and pat-pat on her shoulder from when Madoka had gently led her out of the classroom in a moment full of d'awww. If humiliated girls who had peed in public can be considered an element of d'awww, that is.

"Eh? That's not true," Madoka said with sparkle. "It feels really exciting and cool! And it kinda reminds me of baseball for some reason..."

Fucking hurr.

_Why is she being so nice to me?_ Homura wondered. Don't worry, Homu. In this pervy parody, there's a reason beyond lol-happy-girl for Mado's niceties.

The girls arrived at the nurse's office. Stuck on the door was a note scribbled in flustered handwriting addressed to "Kaname-san", which Madoka snatched off the door and pocketed before Homura could notice it.

"Here we are. Please come in," said Madoka, and the two stepped inside. No one else was around. Soon Homura had stepped behind a privacy partition next to the beds and began stripping off her wet clothes—

—while Madoka quietly closed and locked the door.

Homura tried to fill the awkward moment with some polite yackety-shmackety. "U-Um...th-thank you for coming here with me," she said clumsily.

_Ehehe...that's the idea,_ Madoka giggled to herself, running her eyes up and down Homura's faint silhouette. Aloud, she said, "No problem! Let me see if I can find something to dry you off with..."

While Madoka went digging through some cabinets, she cast a quick glance at the note from the door:

» _Kaname-san—  
>I give up. You and Tomoe-san do as you like in my office. Just PLEASE clean up after your own body fluids. I don't want to find my chair and desk all sticky again!<br>—Amahara-sensei_ «

Madoka grinned. _Oops...I must've made Mami-san squirt farther than I thought, last time we were here,_ she thought.

Meanwhile, Homura had finished removing her stockings and panties and was now standing stiffly in place, feeling rather drafty.

"Uh...K-Kaname-san? What should I do with...?" She trailed off.

"Hm? You mean your wet clothes? Oh, you can just give them to me."

"EHH!⁇ B-But...they're...!"

Finding a soft blanket that would make do as an improvised towel, Madoka walked up and poked her head around the partition. Homura twitched.

"_Hii_—!"

Madoka's clitoris twitched, too, at the sight of Homura's bare legs and the pee-soaked underclothes she clutched nervously in her hands. _She's naked under that skirt,_ her hormones whispered to her.

"It's all right, it's all right," Madoka said brightly, putting the blanket on a bed and offering her hand for the wet things. "I'm the class health monitor, after all. I deal with this kind of thing all the time," she lied, while showing the cutest smile.

"Er...um...well...i-if you're sure..."

Homura hesitatingly handed them over. _Why does Kaname-san look so happy?_ she wondered as Madoka eagerly took them.

"Thanks! Oh, but your skirt! Didn't it get wet, too?"

"Eh? Um. Yeah. A little. But it's all right, I can—"

"Come on then, we've gotta get that off you too!" she said, setting the clothes aside and taking Homura by the hand.

"EEH?⁉ B-B-But, but, then what will I—⁇"

"Don't worry, I have an idea," said Madoka, tugging the reluctant Homura toward the side of a bed. "Here, lay down for a minute."

Homura didn't feel good about this. Still, she lay down as Madoka directed. Such a polite, complaisant, gonna-get-herself-raped Japanese girl.

Madoka took the blanket and shook it open, then spread it out over Homura. Soon as the blanket was down, Madoka reached underneath it and whisked Homura's skirt right off of her.

"Waah!" Homura squealed, clamping her legs shut.

"There. This way you're still covered...and, uh...so you won't..."

Madoka trailed off, her eyes wandering to the wet panties and stockings. Suddenly, almost desperately, she grabbed them and put them and the skirt right to her nose and inhaled deeply.

Homura freaked. "K-K-Ka-Kaname-san! Wha-wha-what are you doing?⁉"

Madoka inhaled again, then let out a long, lusty sigh.

"Ehehe...sorry, I couldn't help myself," she said, looking half-drugged. She dropped the clothes and eyed Homura hungrily.

"It's just that..."

She suddenly hopped up onto the bed and straddled Homura, planting her palms down on either side of Homura's shoulders.

"...I like peeing girls too," she said, gazing straight into Homura's eyes, a gob of drool running down from her sweet smile. "Though I'm not so boorish as to go announcing it to everyone in the class, you know?"

Homura quivered beneath Madoka, thinking that she'd never before heard a girl her own age use the word 'boorish' in conversation. She thoughtfully said "Hgkh—!" in response.

"Oh, but your legs are still damp," Madoka murmured predatorily. "Here, let me help you dry them off..."

Moving herself further down Homura's body, she began patting, rubbing, caressing Homura's legs through the blanket. Homura made a lot of odd whimpery noises as she felt her legs getting somewhat drier while Madoka busied herself with the task.

"Okay, now let's spread your legs a bit," Madoka said finally, gently prying Homura open. She started in on Homura's inner thighs and pelvic region.

"K-Kaname-san! You really don't have to—!"

"There...doesn't that feel good?" said Madoka, her palms stroking Homura evenly, tenderly.

"Um...but...!"

"Be honest, now~❤"

"I...I dunno..."

It _did_ feel somewhat nice to be lying half-naked under a warm blanket, beneath this girl with her sweet voice and her gentle hands wandering over places that no one had ever touched her before. Not to mention that Madoka was not unpleasant to look at, for a girl. If it weren't for that sunny cheerful face and those poofy pink twintails, Homura wondered if she'd be screaming for help right about now.

Still, this was way too embarrassing.

And Homura's heart was doki-doki'ing hard.

And for her, not being long out of the hospital, doki-dokis were not a good thing.

Madoka spoke again, softly. "Say, Homura-chan...have you ever kissed a girl?"

"Eh⁉ Um...no...but...why-why do you ask?"

Duh, Homu.

Madoka slithered herself up to Homura until their faces were almost touching. Homura could feel the heat coming off the pink girl's face. And was that a knee being pressed between her legs?

"...Wanna try it?" she breathed, smiling cutely as ever.

Forget doki-dokis, Homura's heart was now thudding crazily in her chest.

She had to turn her face away. "Kaname-san...please! M-my heart...!"

Madoka glanced down and saw that Homura had put a hand to her chest. The sight quickly sobered her up from her horniness.

"Eh?...EHHH⁇ Oh no! I'm sorry, Homura-chan!" Straightaway she got off of Homura and hurried about the nurse's office, searching for whatever she could think of that might help. Shortly she returned with a damp washcloth, a cup of water and a bottle with Homura's name on it, which she'd found in the cabinet where the students' medications were kept (which was also kept locked, by the way, but she and Mami could easily pick it...which they'd done lots of times in hopes of finding powerful stimulants or narcotic painkillers to have fun with, but alas, kids their age generally didn't get prescribed those). Homura downed a dose and Madoka had her lay down, then gently began wiping her face with the washcloth, hoping it would help relax her.

A few minutes later Madoka was sitting quietly beside Homura, holding her hand. Homura seemed calmer now, resting with her eyes closed.

"Are you feeling better?" Madoka said at last.

"Yeah...I think so..."

"Thank goodness. I'm really sorry. Ehehe, I guess I tried too hard," she said with an embarrassed blush.

Something's probably wro-o-o-ong with that cutesy display of innocence, but the writer couldn't quite put his nail-bitten finger on it. And neither could Homura. Nevertheless, Madoka encouraged her to rest for as long as she needed, and she took Homura's wet things and rinsed and wrung out her panties and stockings (after giving them one last farewell sniff), and also spot-washed the pee spots on her skirt. She then left Homura's clothes folded neatly on the chair beside the bed, along with a fresh clean pair of Mami's panties (which she often carried as spares for similar situations between her and Mami, while Mami likewise often carried a pair of Madoka's, ain't they sweet?), and returned to class. "Don't worry, I'll be sure to tell Sensei what happened," she said vaguely just before she left.

_Surely she's gonna leave out a few details⁇_ Homura worried in the following silence.

Duh, Homu.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_'Homura-chan...you wanna try it?'_

Homura replayed Madoka's voice in her head as she tromped along, downcast, under the reddening sky.

_I can't do that. I'm too afraid. And my body's too weak..._

She gazed at the sidewalk passing beneath her feet, thinking about Madoka happily kissing lots of other girls while she sat alone in a corner.

_I'm always too afraid...and my body's always too weak. Will I be like this forever?_

_'Yep...forever alone, that'll be you,'_ said another voice inside her head. _'Maybe you're just better off dead, eh?'_

_...Maybe so._

_'Yeah, you're better off dead. Unless you WANT to end up lonely and depraved, nurturing weird fetishes like fapping to poopy diaper hentai or getting off from smelling your own farts!'_

_Smelling...my own..._

Suddenly she noticed that the scenery about her had changed. "Wh-Where am I?" she murmured as an angry-looking Arc de Triomphe raised itself into existence under the blood-red Starry Night. Artsy familiars in sepia lurched out from it like the Triplets of Belleville on buttloads of acid.

"No!"

Homura stumbled and fell backwards according to script, and according to script dem familiars lumbered ever closer to her—

—when suddenly, a salvo of golden blasts from magical bazookas ripped through the air — yeah, bazookas — and a pink shower of Xs like sharp shuriken danced about, flying like sakura leaves in the wind. The familiars were subsequently kablooied, and blah blah blah, and let's just skip to the point:

Yuno and Miyako of Hidamarisou stood smiling before Homura, decked out in full magical girl frilliness. Homura gaped at them with a face full of WUT DA HELL.

"Who are YOU people⁉"

"My name's Miyako, first year art student at Yamabuki High, and, Magical Girl!" Miyako said proudly. "And this here is Yunocchi—"

"M-Miya-chan! We were supposed to keep this a secret!" Yuno stammered in her Yuno-ish way.

"Eh?"

Yuno sighed. "Oh well...um, just don't tell anyone at Yamabuki, okay?" she said to Homura, before pulling out an array of deadly glowing Xs from the sides of her hair. Elegantly she tossed them through the air, sticking them all over Izabel. Miyako flung the twin bazookas off of her shoulders and summoned forth her Big Bazooka.

"GELATO FINALE!"

A tasty scoop of cold, golden destruction smashed through Izabel with a brain-freezing kaboom. Meanwhile, somebody, somewhere has now stopped reading this fic, finding this Hidamari Sketch twist too retarded for words. For the rest of you who have a high tolerance for stupid, however, have a random silly word: bliffenstimmers. It's googleable, too.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Later, over in Apartment 201...

"So you guys fight those scary things?" said Homura.

She, Yuno, Miyako and Sae were all gathered around Yuno's table, a cup of tea set before each of them. Hiro was in Yuno's kitchen, cutting up strawberry cake and setting out slices on plates for everyone. Wait, shouldn't Yuno be doing that? It's her apartment, so she should be the one showing the hospitali — meh. Hiro just likes being the mommy.

"Ehhh, they're not that scary," said Miyako, holding her hands behind her head, perfectly at ease.

Yuno sweatdropped. "Miya-chan, we can only say that because we've seen lots of witches," she grinned. "I'm sure it was pretty scary for Akemi-san."

Sae nodded. "Yep. But after a while, you just get used to it."

"I don't think I could ever get used to seeing cursed things like that. Witches just sound so terrible and cruel," Homura shivered.

"Ahahaha! It's not as bad as all that," laughed Sae. "It depends on the witch, really. Many of them are just kind of...misunderstood. But the more you know about them, the less you fear them."

Yuno piped up. "Yeah! And some witches are actually really good cooks!" she beamed.

"...Eh?" said Homu, as if someone had just told her Cat Soup was just a fanciful show about two kittens going on an adventure.

Just then Hiro walked up, carrying a tray and blushing visibly. "Ehehe, Yuno-san..." she said vaguely, setting the trayful of cake down on the table.

"Waaaai~! Cake!" cheered Miyako.

"Everyone, please enjoy it," Hiro then said pleasantly. As cakes and forks were passed around, she momentarily excused herself and thumped back to the kitchen, then began putting the rest of the cake away.

Suddenly, Yuno's door was kicked open by a bright red shoe with frilly laces. Madoka and Mami stormed into 201, transformed and with weapons drawn.

"Ara?" said Hiro, standing right in their way at Yuno's countertop.

Madoka twanged a pink missile right between those twin hair buns. Hiro's head exploded. But instead of bursting in a mass of blood, long and pale wriggling things flew out of it, along with a watery fluid the color of miso soup.

"KYAAAAAAAAA!"

Homura screamed like a girl — hurf le durf — and leapt onto the table. The pale wriggling things were now squirming crazily all over the floor. Yuno and Miyako jumped to their feet with determined faces and quickly transformed. Miyako got in too much of a hurry and ended up with her costume on backwards. It was rather tight in the chest and loose in the back.

"GYAAAAHH!"

Sae leapt up with a cry and charged at Madoka and Mami. Mami blasted her arm off at the shoulder. Looseleaf pages gushed forth from where Sae's shoulder had been, covered in hand-written witch runes chronicling the latest installment of a tale of eldritch romance. The pages formed a gigantic origami fist, raised high. Madoka and Mami dodged just as the fist came crashing down.

Yuno launched a barrage of pink glowing Xs at Madoka. Madoka let fly a multi-shot that took out every X with perfect accuracy. In a blink she had fired another arrow straight at Yuno; Yuno deflected the shot with a magical sketchpad.

Meanwhile, Mami was blasting holes in Sae's body, but Sae seemed resilient, though she was more paper than human now. Sae cast forth many tendrils of paper all at once, intent on shredding Mami with a thousand paper cuts. Mami leapt high and avoided the attack, but ran out of vertical clearance. Her boobs gave a mighty _boyoing_ as her head smacked the ceiling.

"Ow!"

Over at the table, Homura's squealing was reaching ear-piercing levels as the pale wriggling things had clumped themselves together and were clambering on top of the table. They then flung themselves at Homura, glomping themselves stickily all over her legs.

"NO! NOOOO!"

But what really ratcheted up Homura's ZOMGWTF meter was watching Miyako grab a fistful of the writhing things, and then, happily stuff them into her mouth.

"Blgkh!" said Homura, about to vomit.

"What?" said the munching Miyako. "It's just udon."

Canned_Laughter . mp3.

Indeed, Homura had failed to notice how noodle-like the things were, but before she could scream 'I've never heard of udon that MOVES!', a fiery blast ripped through Paper Sae, and Mami charged on forward. Flinging aside the spent rifle, she whipped out a golden ribbon and instantly bound Miyako hand and foot.

"Wah!"

"Kaname-san!" Mami called out.

_"Hai!"_ Madoka answered. Dodging a stray X, she rushed toward them, firing another multi-shot at Yuno, who defended herself with a wall of sketch pages from her pad. Madoka did a double-take as she saw one or two sketches that looked like BL. Yuno flung another salvo of Xs, but this time at Mami, who simply cast forth a ballooning ribbon that intercepted them all, then wrapped itself about Yuno and bound both her and her Xs just like she'd bound Miyako.

Firing a pair of rifles straight from underneath her skirt, Mami then blew out Yuno's balcony doors. Madoka grabbed the frightened Homura and leapt out onto the balcony. Mami was about to follow when her ankle suddenly went out from under her.

"Mami-san!"

Madoka had twisted about and seen that a huge and hideous tentacle of udon sprouting from Hiro's headless neck had grabbed Mami by the ankle and was now dangling her in midair. It then slammed her down breasts-first onto the cakes and tea cups on the table.

"Guh!"

Madoka immediately shot a powerful missile at the tentacle, blasting it apart. Hiro staggered back. Mami struggled to her feet and, seeing a teacup still standing, took a brief moment to sample it. Hiro recovered herself and began vomiting forth more wheaty nastiness from her neck, but just then, Mami spat the tea out from her lips.

"Your tea sucks," she said coldly, wiping her mouth. She tossed the teacup onto the floor.

Hiro stopped. "EEEEEEHHH⁉" she cried, but to Mami's ears Hiro's wail sounded more like mice being mulched in a garbage disposal.

"Hey! How rude!" Miyako bellowed. Yuno seconded, declaring, "Yeah! You're gonna make Hiro-san cry!" And indeed, Hiro's hands shakily went up to her quivering tentacles and she began making sounds that Mami guessed was supposed to be sobbing, though she found it hard to feel sympathy when the sickening sobs reminded her of old dogs barfing.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Madoka carried Homura under one arm as she and Mami fled the scene, leaping from building to building.

"What were those things⁉" a panic-stricken Homura cried.

"Witches," said Madoka.

"EEEHH⁉ But...! How...? I thought that...! W-What about those other two girls? Are they really magical girls⁇"

"Yes. But they're allied with the witches. They're dangerous — don't trust them."

"B-But...aren't witches supposed to live in a maze or something? Yuno-san and Miyako-san told me that witches ...um...I mean..." Homura said, trailing off.

"You were caught in a witch maze just now," Mami answered.

"EH⁉"

Madoka and Mami alighted on the rooftop of a love hotel they'd once snuck into together for an overnight rest. "Look back," Madoka directed, pointing toward Hidamarisou.

Homura gasped. The apartment building was nothing but an abandoned, dilapidated wreck.

"But...it wasn't like that when...when they first brought me...wh...what's going on⁇"

Mami sighed, and the sad, melancholic melody of _Conturbatio_ from the Puella Magi Madoka Magica OST, Vol. 1, began to play. Homura's eyes momentarily wandered about, wondering to herself where the music was coming from. "From all I've heard," Mami began, "Hidamarisou used to be a nice place to live for high school girls who were enrolled in the arts program at Yamabuki High. It had a bit of an odd reputation, but it was close to school, and the landlady was easy to get along with. Yuno-san and Miyako-san were magical girls like us, back then. They hunted witches and spread love and hope. And they usually brought along tea and cookies, too.

"But one day...all of that had changed. Something bad must have happened to them, though I don't know what. But they became twisted and corrupt. They stopped fighting the witches and started fighting other magical girls instead. They even killed the landlady and took over the apartment building. And the tea and cookies stopped coming."

"No way..."

"Way."

Madoka clapped her cell shut, and the soundtrack music stopped abruptly. "Stop that, Mami-san. That kind of response is very outdated," she said.

"Sorry. You're right, Kaname-san. Play that music again though, would you?"

Madoka opened her cell, and the soundtrack music resumed from her cell's speaker.

"I'd still like to know how you got FLAC rips of the soundtrack two months ahead of the BD release date, Mami said with a twinge of jealousy.

"Privileges of being the title character, tee-hee," Madoka grinned with teeth.

"Anyway Akemi-san, those two are firmly on the side of the witches now," Mami went on. "I hate to say it, but we have to treat them as enemies. One time I even heard a rumor that there were once other magical girls also living at Hidamarisou. But I never got to meet them, or even learn what happened to them. For all I know, Yuno-san and Miyako-san may have killed those other girls as well."

"I wish I had known them when they were good," said Madoka.

"They wouldn't have screwed you, though. They were asexual back then."

"I know," Madoka sighed. "But now, the way they are..." She trailed off, giving a slight shudder.

"But...I don't understand..." Homura whimpered. "They were so nice and hospitable to me..."

"That's because they're complete psychopaths," Mami said. She laid a hand on Homura's shoulder. "If we hadn't rescued you, by now they might be torturing you for fun, or chopping you up while you were still alive and feeding you to their witch friends, like they've done to other girls. All the while chit-chatting about this and that like it was just another normal day. They think evil is _moe._"

"Or they might be raping you with their boy parts," Madoka said with some disgust.

Homura's eyes widened. "B...B-Boy parts⁉ Wh-What do you mean⁇"

Madoka gave a sidelong look at Homura. "You _do_ know what a futanari is, don't you?"

"A futa-what?"

"Oh dear," Mami said.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

And when they finally told her, Homura felt another piece of her innocence die horribly.

She stared blankly at the tea and cake before her, seated across from Mami and Madoka in the living room of Mami's apartment. The tea and cake looked to be much higher quality than what she'd been offered in Yuno's small apartment. But still, she couldn't bring herself to eat or drink.

"Something still doesn't make sense though," she mumbled. "If Yuno-san and Miyako-san are on the witches' side, why did they destroy that one witch that was trying to kill me?"

"That _is_ odd," said Mami. "I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that one."

Zipping on over to Hidamarisou — and the reader may perhaps imagine one of those zip pans in cartoons where a bunch of blurry crap flies across the screen while a fluttery _woodle-woodle-woodle_ sound effect plays...okay, so that doesn't work as well in a non-visual medium such as this —

"Well, if nothing else, at least we blew up Izabel," Miyako said happily as she chowed on convenience store snacks. The four were seated around Yuno's table with an assload of snacks spread between them, courtesy of BerryMart. Actually, courtesy of BerryMart from when Yuno and Miyako had looted the place after torturing the kindly shopkeeper throughout the night with their magic until she had gone insane.

Yuno, however, looked a bit glum. "I still wish we could have Befriended her though," she said, resting her chin in her hands.

"We did try, Yuno," said Sae. "But there are some entities of horror and despair that you just can't Befriend."

"Eeeehhh⁈" Miyako grumbled. "I wouldn't have wanted to Befriend her. All she ever did was insult our artwork, when she herself was always just copying from other famous works of art!"

"I still remember the one time when she called me a fat, uncultured philistine!" Hiro pouted, stuffing a whole piece of daifuku in her mouth.

Miyako flared. "What⁈ How dare she call you uncultured!"

'Hwooooo' went the wind outside.

Four seconds later, Miyako was nursing a bump on her head as a thick tentacle of udon retracted itself back into place and became Hiro's arm again.

Zipping on back to Mami's apartment — woodle-woodle-woodle —

"Are you sure you don't want to stay and join us, Homura-chan?" Madoka said to Homura sometime later. She smiled sweetly as she knelt on the floor, crouched over Mami while Mami lay on her back. Mami's top was already shed and her undershirt and bra pried open, with one plump and yummy breast bared. Madoka then lowered her lips to it and kissed and sucked on the nipple. Mami moaned contentedly, closing her eyes and running her fingers through Madoka's poofy twintails.

"U-U-U-Um, n-n-n-n-no, no I-I'm fine, ahaha!" stammered Homura, schoolbag in hand and preparing to leave. "Y-You two go on and have, um...fun without me. But, thank you so much for having me over!" She gave a quick bow. "I-I'll see you guys at school tomorrow!"

"Okuh...sfhee youf," said Madoka through a mouthful of boob.

"...hah...See you later, Akemi-sa-_ahhn!_" breathed Mami as Madoka tugged with her lips.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_If only Kaname-san had asked me if I wanted to try a kiss, like she did before,_ Homura thought on her way home. _Maybe...just maybe I might have tried it this time. But...n-n-no way am I ready for THAT yet!_ she added, recalling with a shiver Madoka's mouth planted on Mami's breasticle.

Still, it felt nice to have been Befriended by two magical girls who went to her school. _...And maybe someday...maybe someday I can even be ready for more than just trying a kiss...ahh! Wh-What am I saying⁇ Sigh. I guess...I guess for now, just wait for me, Kaname-san. Wait for me. And perhaps one day..._

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Walpurgis Night.

Three magical girls lay dead, sprawled out beneath the black sky. Yuno...Miyako...Mami. Yuno's and Miyako's clothes had been torn to almost nothing in the heat of their final battle against Mami and Madoka. Yet in the end, it was the Walpurgis Night who had merely shrugged her gears at the curious scene of magical girls fighting magical girls and slaughtered them all anyway. Homura gave a shudder as she looked upon Yuno's and Miyako's exposed bodies. She quickly turned her eyes away.

"Th...They really do have boy parts...!" she squeaked.

"If only they had fought on our side, even as they were," Madoka said solemnly. "The Walpurgis Night was no friend of theirs. Well, I'm off to protect everyone at the cost of my own life, then. Look after Takkun for me, will ya? Offer to babysit him once in a while for my parents. But don't feed him too much broccoli. It gives him the farts."

"But you can't stop that thing! It's hopeless!"

"Ten thousand yen says I can," Madoka smiled. She held up a crispy Fukuzawa-san.

"I don't want to make bets on your life!" Homura sobbed.

"Aw, come on. This'll buy an assload of Morning Rescue."

"What's the point of betting if you know you're going to die⁈"

"True. You've got me there." Madoka symbolically let go of the bill and it flew off with the wind. Off in the distance, Kyuubey greedily snapped it up in midair, also symbolically.

"Please...let's run away."

"Homura-chan...I'm glad I could be friends with you—"

"No! Don't go, Kaname-san!"

And interrupting her parting words, Homura rushed up to Madoka and planted a wet one right on her smacker. She squeezed Madoka tightly as their tongues explored each other's mouths, their saliva mixing and sloshing about erotically. If sloshing saliva can be called erotic.

Spit-stringies trailed from their lips as they finally parted and came up for air.

"...hah...Homura-chan, you finally kissed me...I'm so happy..."

"Kaname-san..._snif...sob_..."

"It's too bad we never got a chance to screw," Madoka said, turning to go. "...Fap when you think of me. Take care."

She flew away.

"KANAME-SAAAAN!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"I want to relive meeting her for the first time again!"

Homura wept, clutching her friend's dead hand and pleading with Kyuubey.

"Only this time...I want to screw Kaname-san!"

_"Yare yare,"_ Kyuubey shrugged. "I'm glad my species doesn't have hormones...we don't have to deal with urges like this..."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Timeline #2.

Morning time again at Mitakihara Middle School in Saotome-sensei's homeroom.

Homura hopped on into class eagerly as Kazuko invited her to come in. Her eyes quickly went to a familiar desk, scarcely able to wait to see and speak with the girl in pink poofy twintails whose warm butt had always sat there.

"Okay! Try introducing yourself to every—"

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

Kazuko was cut short by a piercing scream from Homura's throat. Though all Homura could do after that was point with a frightened, quivering finger.

"Akemi-san? What's wrong?" said Kazuko.

Homura finally found her voice. "...Y...You! YOU! What are you doing here⁈"

Over in the desk where Madoka used to sit, Yuno blinked back at Homura with confused, moe-filled eyes.

"M-Me?" Yuno squirmed.

Homura whirled to face Kazuko. "What is SHE doing here⁈" she cried. "Where's Kaname-san⁇"

"Who?"

"Kaname Madoka! Cute girl, pink poofy twintails, a lesbian and a pervert who likes to sniff pee and who's the health officer for this class!"

"Uhhhh, w-we don't have a Kaname-san in our class," said Kazuko, smiling politely.

No, this isn't suddenly fucking Disappearance of What's-Her-Face. Though Homura did bolt out of the classroom in a panic and race down the halls, heading to check on Mami's homeroom class. And when Miyako's face turned to meet hers from Mami's desk as Homura pounded the glass, she let out another scream and tore off, almost peeing herself again as she ran.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_This is all wrong...this is all wrong! What happened to Kaname-san and Tomoe-san⁇ Where are they⁈ Kyuubey...Kyuubey!_

But Kyuubey didn't answer her thoughts. He was too busy sleeping off another hangover with Ume-sensei upon the rooftop of Hidamarisou.

Speaking of which, Homura eventually decided to head there after wandering directionlessly for some time, not knowing what else to do or where else to go.

_Maybe they've just switched places? But...what if the apartment building's abandoned, like last time? Please don't let it be abandoned! Please be there...Kaname-san, Tomoe-san! I'll gladly pee for you both again...! Just please be there!_

At this point the writer considered keeping the reader in some semblance of suspense by describing Homura's approach toward Hidamarisou, and her tense knocking at 201. But then the writer thought, fuck it, this fic's getting too long already, let's just cut to the chase:

Homura gasped a happy gasp of joy. Finding the door to 201 unlocked, she had let herself in and found Madoka and Mami, naked, curled up in each other's arms on Madoka's bed, fast asleep. D'awww.

"Kaname-san!" Homura cried, so glad to see Madoka that she couldn't hold back from hugging Madoka's shoulders. Homura buried her nose in those poofy twintails and took a deep whiff of Madoka's dandruff.

Madoka stirred. She turned her head and looked up blearily into Homura's face. It took a moment before she suddenly snapped to full alertness.

"WAUGH! Wh-Wh-Wh-Who are you⁈?" she yelped, scrambling away from Homura and throwing a bedsheet splotched with sticky wet spots over herself and Mami. A couple of still-moist dildoes rolled off the bed from her jostling and bonked onto the floor.

Mami then awoke next. Her eyes fluttered open and fell on Homura. She smiled.

"_Ara?_ We have a visitor?"

Just then, a few sharp knocks came on Madoka's door. A girl's voice called to them from outside.

"O-o-o-o-i! Madoka! Mami-san! Did you get your lazy butts out of bed yet⁈"

"Sayaka-chan..." said Madoka.

"Two visitors, it seems," added Mami.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Dressed in high school girls' uniforms for the Yamabuki arts program, Sayaka and Madoka sat on opposite sides of Mami's table in 202, with Homura sitting in between. Homura was surprised to see that Sayaka wore glasses this time around, similar in style to her own. Naturally, as the resident of 102, the glasses were a must on Sayaka. Sayaka chowed on a bento while Mami was in her kitchen, preparing a quick lunch for Madoka, Homura and herself.

"Geez! It's lunchtime already!" groaned Sayaka. "Were you guys gonna sleep naked the whole day⁈"

The girls usually didn't come home to eat lunch on schooldays, but Sayaka had complained that she felt compelled to come check on them, knowing that Madoka and Mami were only skipping school because they had been "up really late" last night. So she had come to prod them into attending their afternoon classes, at least.

"Maybe not sleep, ehehe...but being naked the whole day sounds nice..." smiled Mami.

Mami herself was still mostly naked, by the way. She stood in the kitchen busily chopping something, wearing nothing but an apron. Madoka was staring at her, utterly transfixed and drooling.

Mami turned to Madoka and Homura, and smiled. "It'll be just a couple more minutes, okay?" she called kindly over her bare shoulder.

Sayaka rolled her eyes. "At least put some clothes on, will ya? Or Madoka's gonna start fapping at the table again." She stuffed more omelet into her mouth, noticing how Madoka's hands were already wandering beneath her skirt.

Homura was feeling a touch of disappoint. She wished Madoka could be in the apron. Or better yet, she wondered if Madoka would fap to her if she herself were in the apron.

_I wonder if my butt is pretty,_ she thought.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"Still, Homura-chan...that's so cool that you're a magical girl!"

Madoka's face beamed with sugoi as she praised Homura. Their bowls and glasses were mostly empty now; Mami's lunch had been scrumdiddly. Mami had also finally decided to get herself dressed for school. As Mami had been putting her clothes on, Homura had recognized with a bit of a start the very same panties that Madoka had lent her in the previous timeline.

"I suppose so...though I don't understand why none of you are," said Homura. "I mean...I was really looking forward to working with you guys."

"Meh. Nothing cool ever happens to us in this timeline," said Sayaka. "It'd be nice if I didn't have to wear glasses though, like the other me you knew."

Sayaka, Madoka and Mami continued to chit-chat back and forth for a bit, and Homura's mind began to wander. Everything may not have turned out as she expected, but in this timeline, since Madoka was no longer a magical girl, that would mean...

_...She's safe now. She won't have to fight the witches anymore. She won't die._

As that realization grew within her, Homura's eyeballs began tearing up. Cute little choked sobs began escaping her throat. The other girls stopped and turned to her.

"Akemi-san?"

"Homura-chan? What's wrong?"

Homura suddenly lurched forward and hugged Madoka by the shoulders. "Kaname-saaan! I'm so happy! I'm glad you're safe and alive and well!" Those cute little choked sobs suddenly became loud, goofy-sounding ones.

Madoka wasn't quite sure what to do. "Uhhhh...I-I'm glad I'm safe and alive and well, too," she said awkwardly.

"Kaname-san...there's something I want to ask you," Homura blubbered. "Y...You're pretty open about being a lesbian and a pervert, right?"

Madoka blushed a little. "Um, well, yeah...but when you put it so bluntly like that, it's kinda..."

"Then please! Would you consider letting me...letting me...um...j-join you in your happy girlsex love circle? I-I know you haven't known me very long in this timeline, but, um, I'm sure we will get along well together! I'm not very experienced, but I'll try very hard!"

She gave a bow, much as she could while still crying on Madoka's uniform. Madoka herself wasn't exactly sure what "happy girlsex love circle" was supposed to mean, but she knew well enough when a girl was begging for a screw.

"Well let me see..." said Madoka. "Let me check something first...by the way, are those just stockings you're wearing or is it hose?"

"Hose."

"Could you pull it down a little bit?"

"Eh⁈ Um..."

Without argument, Homura did as she was asked, feeling excited and scared at the same time.

_Does she want to do something already? I didn't think it would be so soo—_

All at once, Madoka pushed Homura to the floor. Not roughly, though her hand was firm. Homura didn't have time to think before she felt two fingers pry her panties aside and stick into her vagina. It brought a squeal out of her.

"_HII!_"

_So sudden!_

Madoka's fingers were only in for a moment, though. Lifting them to her lips, she sucked on her middle finger, sampling Homura's moisture with all the air of a connoisseur.

"Mami-san?"

She then held out her index to Mami, who sucked upon it pensively. After a few moments of silent reflection, they looked at each other and nodded. They both then turned to Homura and smiled. Madoka gave her a thumbs up.

"Congratulations. They'll happily fuck your vag now," Sayaka said rather blandly.

Homura grinned and laughed a small giddy laugh. This was turning out better and better. In her heart she gave a quick praise to Kyuubey and his magical soul-ripping voodoo rings. Though she didn't quite phrase it that way.

"Oh! But, Miki-san..." Homura wondered, pulling her hose back up. "Are you, uh..._with_ Kaname-san and Tomoe-san, too?"

"Nope. I like the menfolk." She turned to Madoka and Mami. "Now c'mon, you two! We're gonna be late for class!"

They agreed to let Homura stay the afternoon in Madoka's room, seeing as she wasn't ready to return to her own school yet, not after all that had happened today. While arranging that, Homura had made a random comment that it sure would be nice if she could live at Hidamarisou too. Being that she lived alone already, she'd be free to move. Mami did note that three of the rooms were currently vacant, but as for moving in—

"You'll have to talk to the landlady," she said.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"Eeeehhh? You wanna move in?" said Kyouko.

Homura clasped her hands together. "May I?"

The five of them stood on the sidewalk beside Hidamarisou later that evening. Kyouko jammed her Pocky stick into her mouth and chewed it up, then immediately took out another and stuck it between her lips.

"But, you don't go to Yamabuki," Kyouko said, eyeballing Homura's uniform. "Why do you wanna live here?"

"Well, actually, I'm transferring to Yamabuki."

Three girls behind Homura suddenly blared "EEEEHHH⁈"

"What's with them going 'Eeehh' like that?" said Kyouko to Homura.

"Er, well, they're just a little...surprised, ehehe."

"Hm. And what about your parents?"

"I live alone."

"A transfer student, huh..." Kyouko said after a brief pause. "Hold on...let me walk away a few paces and stare thoughtfully into the sky while I think about this a minute..."

And off she went to walk away a few paces and stare thoughtfully into the sky while she thought about it a minute. Ba-dum-pum. She also started downing a lot more Pocky sticks for some reason.

"She's really the landlady?" Homura said to Madoka. "She looks like she's our age..."

"Sshh! She _is_ our age," Madoka whispered back. "Her father used to be the landlord. But one day he went wacky and killed her mother and then himself. Tried to kill her too, but she escaped. So the building passed down to her...so tragic, sob..."

Madoka actually said the word 'sob'. Meanwhile, Homura heard Kyouko give a meaty belch and observed her scratching her butt. She considered that Kyouko didn't exactly fit with the 'tragic' image.

"Akemi-san, how will you attend Yamabuki?" whispered Mami. "You're still a middle-schooler. Unless you're some kind of prodigy I don't think they would admit you."

"M-Maybe I can figure something out using my magic..." said Homura.

"Even if you manage that," hissed Sayaka, "do you have any artistic talent? If you're gonna attend Yamabuki, you have to go with the Arts program! The Gen Ed program is for faggots!"

"Ummm..."

Kyouko returned, however, before such plotholes could be glossed over. On the other hand, a plothole would imply that this fic actually has a plot.

"Damn, these things just don't hold off the cravings," Kyouko said, eyeing her nearly empty Pocky box. "Sometimes you just gotta have a smoke, you know?"

The other girls looked blankly at her. No. They didn't know.

"Well, anyway, so long as you can pay the rent, Akemi-san, I don't have a problem with it. Just gimme a day or two to get a room cleaned up and you can move in when you're ready."

_"Yatta!"_ cried Homura and Madoka together, cutely grabbing each other's hands and giggling like they were suddenly elementary schoolgirls from an episode of Hamtaro or something.

Until, that is, when they locked lips and started french-kissing.

Kyouko had to turn away. _Blugh...so_ that's _the real reason why she wants to move in. Well, so much for your "No Boys" rule keeping the girls here pure, Dad. Girls these days don't mind fucking each other, heh..._

◕ ‿‿ ◕

If you are still reading this, congratulations. Treat yourself to ice cream or a beer or some shit.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Mitakihara's school administration, however, could not be confuddled into letting Homura transfer to Yamabuki, not even with her magic. Bureaucrats tend to be highly resistant to anything that does not involve paperwork that way. Har.

"Mitakihara is a top school," said the admissions counselor who had assisted Homura with re-entering school — a balding old fat guy with a face as cartoony as a Tezuka comic. "The faculty and facilities here are among the best in the prefecture. And perhaps more importantly for you, we have the best resources for handling a medical emergency of any school in the city, should anything happen to you while you're at school. Also, Yamabuki is a fine enough school, but its specialty is its arts program, so even when you graduate from middle school you really should not consider attending there unless you plan to study fine art. Because the Gen Ed program is for faggots."

Homura stood quietly in place and did a lot of blinking.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

"I'm sorry, Akemi-san, but the income you currently receive for living expenses would not cover renting an apartment of your own," a voice said to Homura over her cell, later that night. Homura sat on her bed and listened with dismay as the voice continued. "You're better off staying where you're at, since you're living there rent-free."

"I'll get a job, then!"

"You'll only hurt yourself. You can't run yourself too hard with your heart condition. Going to school and working at the same time? That'd be too much strain on your body. Besides, you're only young once. You should just enjoy your time being a student and living your school life, eh? Ohohohohoho!"

Homura didn't like the sound of those ohohohos. Later she surfed the internet for some Nanoha porn to help herself feel better, hoping Nanoha's twintails and mahou-ness would remind her of Madoka. It didn't work.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Plopped unhappily in her seat in Kazuko's homeroom, Homura moped. This timeline was turning out to be a six-pack of suckage after all.

"I'm not feeling too good..." she murmured, half to herself.

"Eh? Is something wrong, Akemi-san?" said a small voice belonging to a small girl beside her. Homura turned to see Yuno's widefaced mug.

"If you're not feeling well, I can show you where the nurse's office is. My name's Yuno — I'm the health officer for this cla—"

Yuno's eyes suddenly bugged and she gasped for joy. "You're a magical girl, too⁇" she said, pointing excitedly at the ring adorned with witch runes on Homura's finger. She immediately brought forth her own hand, showing off a similar ring. "So am I!"

Homura made a rather creeped-out face as Yuno happily grabbed Homura's hands.

"I hope we can work hard together!" Yuno smiled.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" Homura screamed, unable to cope any longer with this poor excuse of a replacement for Madoka. She transformed herself in the middle of the classroom, grabbed her shield, and—

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Timeline #3.

"Okay! Try introducing yourself to—" Kazuko began, right before she was cut off with a bellow of:

"KANAME-SAN!"

Homura stampeded up to Madoka and threw her arms around her, startling her and everyone else in homeroom.

"Kaname-san, Kaname-san!" Homura bawled. "I'm so glad you're here! I'm glad to see you! This is where you're supposed to be!"

"Er...well, th-this is my assigned seat, um, after all..." Madoka said awkwardly.

When suddenly — feh, the English language could use more phrases that work just as well as 'when suddenly' — they heard the clacking of boots running up the hall. Mami boyoing'd into the classroom in full magical girl gear, crying and utterly distraught.

"Kaname-saaan! I just found out that all magical girls eventually become witches!" she wailed. And before Homura knew what happened, Mami's golden ribbons had knocked her aside and wrapped themselves about Madoka's body, dangling Madoka in midair.

"M-Mami-san!" Madoka cried. "What are you—⁇"

Mami whipped out a rifle. You know what's coming, kiddies.

"If the Soul Gems give birth to witches, then we all have to die!"

"W-Wait! Mami-san, don't—"

The ribbons shifted and squeezed out Madoka's ring-bearing hand. Mami pulled the trigger and Madoka's soul went plooie. Madoka's body went limp as a pink sock puppet. Everyone in the classroom found this rather disconcerting.

"EEEEEEEEEE!"

"KYAAAAAAAA!"

"HEE-BEE-BEE-BEE-BEE!"

By the time Mami had flung the spent rifle aside, pulled out a fresh one, planted it to the side of her head and blasted her own Soul Gem to paradise, the whole class was in a screaming panic and running out the door. One guy hotfooted it down the halls yelling "HO-O-O-O-O CHI MINH!" for reasons that will never be known.

Madoka's body flopped to the floor as Mami's ribbons disintegrated. Homura rushed to her side.

"Kaname-san! Kaname-san!"

In life, she had enjoyed watching other girls pee themselves. In death, Kaname Madoka's final act was to wet her own panties as her bladder emptied itself for the last time.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Meanwhile, as Yuno and Miyako sat watching the news on TV at Hidamarisou...

_"...were left in shock today after the apparent murder-suicide of two students at Mitakihara Middle School. One student managed to capture video of the tragedy on a cell phone before fleeing the scene. We want to warn you that the video is...very disturbing."_

_"If the Soul Gems give birth to witches, then we all have to die!"_

_"W-Wait! Mami-san, don't—"_

Bang. Bang. Yuno yelped and covered her eyes.

"Wah! E-E-Even with the warning, why'd they show something like that on TV⁈"

"Whew. I'm glad we don't go to their school," said Miyako, fingering her own golden Soul Gem.

"Miya-chan, that's not very nice..."

"We're gonna sit out the rest of this episode," Miyako then informed the readers. "But be sure to watch for us again in the finale for Episodes 11 and 12! Waaaai~!"

"I don't think the writer's gonna include us in the finale, Miya-chan," Yuno sweatdropped.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Timeline #4.

Homura sat across from Madoka and Mami at their favorite fast food joint for having deep conversations. By the way, ever notice how no one actually eats the food they order there in the show?

"Well, uh, I think it's great that you want to screw me," Madoka said to Homura, "but um, can't we get to know each other first? Let's fight together as magical girls for a while before we, um...take that step."

Homura felt taken aback. This was different from the Madoka she'd known before, who'd never had any qualms about screwing a girl she just met. Still, she felt she had little choice but to say:

"Okay. I understand."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Homura lobbed her boom canister straight into Patricia's crotch. Direct hit. Critical damage.

Yet when the thread-filled maze lifted and the girls came back to their world, Homura was puzzled to see Blank White Eyes on both Madoka's and Mami's faces. Pff, "Blank White Eyes". Everything these days is a fucking trope.

"Agaa—!" Madoka and Mami ejaculated together. Once upon a time that word meant something else, so thbbt.

"W-What? Did I do something wrong?" said Homura.

"Y-Y...Y..Y-Y-Y-You blew up her _crotch!_" Madoka stuttered.

"Eh⁇ But...weren't we trying to destroy the witch?"

"Yeah, but still...that was her Happy Box!" Mami quivered.

Madoka and Mami both put their hands over their crotches. "Uuuu!" they shuddered together.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Timeline #7.

"I remember when she blew up that witch's crotch with her crazy bombs," Sayaka said, swishing her cape irritably. "How do i know my crotch is not gonna get blown up next⁈"

"Sayaka-chan, we're starting to fight with each other," said Madoka, trying to calm things.

Homura hadn't wanted to do it again, but it seemed to be Patricia's weak spot. She tried to stammer out a response. "But...I was only trying to..."

She trailed off, throwing a helpless look at Madoka. This only chafed Sayaka further.

"And why are you only interested in Madoka?" she spat. "We're all lezzies here, aren't we? What's wrong with my vulva? Too stinky for you? Or do you just not like blue pubes?"

To be honest, Homura had felt uneasy ever since learning that Sayaka now liked girls this time around. She didn't _not_ like Sayaka, but she never really thought of her as...

"No! It's not that, I—"

"Then what⁈ Or are you just trying to lure Madoka away so she can join you and that Kyouko girl⁈ You've done the nasty with her already, haven't you?"

"That isn't true! I'm not trying to take Kaname-san away from anyone. I-It's just that...you guys all share her and stuff, so I just wanted to, also—"

She took a step toward Madoka, a glimmer of desperation in her eye.

Madoka shrank back. "Homura-chan..."

"Akemi-san, I think you're making her uncomfortable," said Mami, putting herself partway between Madoka and Homura. "We know you've fought hard with us, but please try not to push things. If Kaname-san is not ready, she's not ready."

The girls were tensely silent for some moments. Homura thought bitterly how near, how very near to her was the treasure she sought most, hidden in the depths of that petticoat beneath the frilly pink skirt. Scarcely more than two meters away, physically...and yet, so far out of her reach.

"Can you find a way to cool your clitoris for a while?" Mami finally suggested. "Maybe find yourself some Hidamari Sketch hentai to fap to?"

Homura knew well that there was a dearth of fappable Hidasketch porn on the internets. If she went that route, she would have to look to other franchises for yuri fanworks. Black Rock Shooter popped into her head, but she hastily cast away that thought.

"I'll think of something," Homura said.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

The Walpurgis Night had been defeated, but now, the shadow of Kriemhild Gretchen towered into the clouded sky. Homura and Kyuubey stood beside each other in the aftermath, looking like a cute kitty cat and its tormentor.

And no, Kyuubey is not the kitty cat. In case you couldn't tell.

"Say, Kyuubey..." Homura began. "Getting to screw Kaname-san was supposed to be part of my wish. How come that part hasn't been granted?"

"Eh? Um, er..."

Kyuubey hesitated, scratching at some fleas. All of a sudden, he pointed a paw at a random spot in the sky behind Homura and yelled loud enough to make his rings jangle.

"ZOMG‼ WALPURGIS NIGHT IS BACK!"

Homura whirled about and looked up. Nothing but empty sky.

"I don't see anything, Kyuu—"

She turned back around and Kyuubey was gone. Homura stomped her pantyhosed foot.

"Dammit‼"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Timeline #43.

Kazuko had just welcomed the new transfer student into the classroom.

"Okay! Try introduc—"

Homura ran up to Madoka and grabbed her by the hand.

"I'm not feeling well! You're the health officer, aren't you? Show me to the nurse's office!"

"W-Wha? I — wah!"

Madoka was yanked out of her seat and led half-running, half-stumbling out of the classroom by Homura. They raced down the halls, Madoka barely able to keep pace.

"Wh...where are you taking me?"

They ended up at the nurse's office. Homura pulled Madoka inside and threw the door shut, then locked it.

"Wh-Wh-What are you—? Why are you locking the door⁇" Madoka whimpered.

She pulled back on Homura's grip, but Homura tugged her forward and turned her about, planting her shoulder blades against the door. She then fenced Madoka in with her arms on either side.

"Kaname Madoka. Please listen. Before anything else happens, I want to ask you this: will you have sex with me?"

Madoka jittered where she stood.

"I'll do anything you like that turns you on. I'll pee myself while you watch. I'll let you taste my vag juice. I'll strip naked for you and let you have your way with my butthole. I'll even go so far as to tenderly hold hands with you over a cup of tea at my house."

Madoka's eyes wandered about uncomfortably. "...Um...but...I..."

"Please, Kaname Madoka! I want to share my body with you before anything bad happens to you! Like Tomoe Mami going wacky and killing you! Or you turning into a witch! Or you going bestial and fucking 50 Kyuubeys at once and then turning into a witch! Or you and Tomoe Mami forcing Miki Sayaka to fuck 50 Kyuubeys at once while you took videos, and Miki Sayaka turning into a witch from the trauma, and Sakura Kyouko taking her revenge out on you by kidnapping you and force feeding you junk food until you turned into a blimp, and you having to exchange your cute frilly magical girl outfit for a pink 5x t-shirt and sweatpants, and you going into despair over your weight and turning into a witch!"

Homura zoomed in close. Madoka shrank back, looking terrified.

"I'll even settle for a kiss to start with, if nothing else! You may not remember it now, but in a different time, you were the one who wanted to kiss me first. So won't you kiss me now...Kaname Madoka?"

Homura closed her eyes and leaned in for a smooch. Madoka shrieked and ducked her head.

"Eeeek! Nooo! I'm not a lesbian!"

Homura stopped dead, mid-pucker.

"...You're not?"

"Why would I be?" Madoka sobbed, looking near tears.

Homura slowly backed away from her, staring in disbelieving silence at the poor, cringing Madoka. Finally, she threw her hands into her hair and yanked out a few tresses by the roots as she screamed into the heavens.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Timeline #502.

On a golden afternoon, by a lovely waterfall next to a large pond, two middle schoolers sat awkwardly next to each other on a bench, a boy and a girl. They had just confessed their feelings for one another, and now they sat talking about this and that for some time, happy that their relationship had grown into more than just friends, though uncertain and perhaps a little fearful over what the future may bring. Still, they hoped that they would continue to grow closer together, and be there for each other, as they learned more about each other as time went on.

"I'm really glad I was finally able to tell you how I felt today, Kamijou-kun...or maybe, I should say, Kyousuke-kun? Ehehe..." the girl giggled, hoping her change of address would be all right with the boy.

"Sure...if I may call you Madoka-chan."

Just around a corner, eavesdropping from within dark shadows, Homura clenched her fists in anguish.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

"What are YOU doing here⁈" Sayaka spat, shoving Homura aside and planting herself in them dark shadows. "This is MY spot, dammit! Go find your own place to drown yourself in swirling black despair!"

Homura ran off, transforming herself and giving her shield yet another spin—

◕ ‿‿ ◕

Timeline #aksljakjskdljf.

Two open hands lay across one other in the shallow water, in the aftermath of the Walpurgis Night's destruction. Two soul gems rested in those hands, blackened with despair and all but spent.

"It looks like it's over for both of us."

"Do you have any Grief Seeds?"

With a simple head shake, the other replied in the negative.

"I see. Do you just want to become monsters and destroy everything in the world? We'll destroy everything, and we'll keep destroying it until it looks like all the bad things — all the sad things — never even happened at all. Don't you think that sounds nice?"

"Heh. You've always wanted to destroy the world, Gen-san."

Shinbo's and Urobuchi's nearly lifeless bodies lay beside each other in the water, their Mitakihara schoolgirl uniforms tattered and bloodied. Homura stood some distance away watching the scene, horrified.

"WHY IN THE FUCK⁈⁇ Someone make me unseeee‼"

"Sheesh, it could be worse, y'know," said Kyuubey to Homura. "There could be pantyshots."

◕ ‿‿ ◕

And on...

...and on...

...and fucking on...

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_...I'll repeat it. I'll continue to repeat it over and over..._

"Now you know my secret," Madoka sobbed, lying naked beneath Homura in the clockwork living room of her home. "I was born without girl parts. I don't have a vagina! Uwaaaaah!"

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_...I'll continue to repeat it no matter how much weird shit I have to see!_

With a sick 'n' twisted glint in her eye, Mami forced Homura's eyes open. Bound and gagged in golden ribbons, Homura had no choice but to watch Madoka crying aloud in ecstasy atop the bed in Mami's bedroom.

"Ume-sensei's penis...it's filling me up! AHHHN!"

"Ahh! I'm feeling the vigor of youuuuuuuuth!" Ume-sensei cried, pumping her pole in and out of Madoka's core.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_Visiting the same time again and again..._

"Hmmm..."

Mami pondered the question as she sat across from Homura in the fast food joint whose food no one was ever supposed to eat. Earlier one kid actually started munching on his hamburger and his friends kicked his butt and threw him out.

"The only Kaname Madoka I've ever heard of is in an eroge called The Cherry Blossoms Fall But Once Per Year," Mami said. "It's a game about torturing and mutilating little girls. They can only feel sexual pleasure by being tortured nearly to death, but at the very brink of dying they have an insanely powerful orgasm and their bodies spontaneously regenerate. Kaname Madoka's the main girl. Nine years old, pink poofy twintails, doesn't seem very fappable at first, but once you get her in the bedroom with all the meat-grinding instruments...hehn hehn..."

"...Why does someone like you play games like that?" Homura asked in a weirded-out voice. To which Mami made no reply other than to smile inscrutably at Homura in her big-sisterly way.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_...until I can find the one way through._

Homura stared at her computer screen, at a complete loss for words. A search for Madoka on the internets had led her to a vid on Nico Nico Douga, with a title that punched her right through the aorta:

初音マドカオリジナル曲 「初音マドカの消失（LONG VERSION）」

Hatsune Madoka Original Track. "The Disappearance of Hatsune Madoka (With Extra Suffering)".

As spiffy as the song was, she could not enjoy a single note of it, tears tumbling down her rosy-hashed cheeks as she watched the vid with the cute pink-haired virtual songstress. Later that night, Homura lay in her dark, lonely bedroom, sadly hugging a hastily-bought box of Vocaloid software, one corner of the box squished and damp from where she'd already enjoyed her purchase between her legs before even having installed it on her computer. She lay still now, holding the box close to her heart as if it were the most precious thing in the world.

Meanwhile, somewhere in real-world Japan, some hikikomori NEET kid has probably done something similar for real with a box of Miku and a healthy serving of man-juice. Just so you know.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_Until I..._

After school, Homura sat across from Madoka and a bespectacled Mami in a booth at the fast food joint. Labels on their food and drinks warned, "Caution: Do Not Consume". Ostensibly the labels were to protect the establishment from frivolous litigation.

"So you're a normal magical girl?" Homura asked Madoka.

"Yes."

"And you're a lesbian, and a pervert, and you will happily screw a girl you just met if your hormones urge you to?"

"Yes."

"And you don't have a penis or vaginal agenesis or any other weird abnormalities? You are a physically healthy and sex-hungry girl?"

"Yes."

"Then please! Will you please screw me, too⁇" Homura begged with teary, puppy-dog eyes.

Madoka held up a hand. "Sorry. I only like glasses-girls."

Homura glanced over at Mami's classy specs. She'd already fixed her own eyes ages ago and done away with her glasses; still, it only took a quick dash of mahou to poof some facsimiles back into dorky existence on the bridge of her nose.

"Those are fakes," Madoka said flatly. "And don't cheat by using your magic to mess up your eyes so that you need glasses. It wouldn't be the same."

"But—!"

"I'm sorry, Homura-chan," Madoka said stiffly.

Homura crumpled in her seat. She had no words, no thoughts, to put to the cruelty of this timeline. She could only sit and stare into her lap and make "K-k-k-k-kh!" noises as she felt a metaphoric knife slowly twisting Urobuchi holes in her heart.

◕ ‿‿ ◕

_...get to screw her!_

— Ep 10 End —

* * *

><p>p.s.<p>

just one installment left to go for the finale.

angel0wonder : thank ye...just doing my part to help make the world a better place through perversion.

Alamo Fox : heh, sorry, didn't mean to make anyone think i was searching for ideas. though when thinking about Kyouko, etc., meeting up in the afterlife, first thing that pops into my head is Kyouko bellowing, "WHAT? I didn't get to go to Heaven? GODDAMMIT! WHAT A RIP!" to which Mami deadpans, "Nice to see you too," and Sayaka snarks, "And you wonder WHY you didn't go to Heaven?"

anon : yeah, the eps were written to be more or less independent of each other, so that those on /a/ who hadn't read previous eps could still enjoy the current one. though i couldn't resist a few backreferences here and there.

..."Walpurgisnacht/Tomohisa intercourse" ...wtf am i reading...


End file.
